


She's Too Good for Me

by atigerlilyangel



Series: Bound Together [1]
Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, First Meetings, Imprinting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2016-02-27
Packaged: 2018-04-14 10:17:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 81,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4560789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atigerlilyangel/pseuds/atigerlilyangel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part of the Bound Together Series. Paul sees Rachel for the first time and his whole world changes. But he knows it's not fair to her because he's just not good at being good for someone. Can Rachel change his mind? Will Paul grow up?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. An Unlikely Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of a series that was/is still posted at ff.net. We wanted to reach a wider audience, so we decided to post it here also. Hope you all enjoy it!

PAUL

Sometimes you think you're having an ordinary day. Like you go to school, you morph into a big wolf during lunch to cover your patrol shift, you phase back and finish the school day, make out with that girl in your English class out in the woods because she thinks it's dangerous and danger turns her on and because you know it's safe. Anywhere for me is pretty much safe these days, though, like I said, I turn into a giant wolf. The only thing I really have to fear is getting ganged up on by too many vampires. And that hasn't happened yet, not even when we fought the war with the newborns. So, anyway, like I said, you can pull into a gas station, thinking you're having a normal day. You get out. You fill the gas tank. You're about to walk away....and then it happens. The one thing I can't stop. The second thing I fear, the one thing I should have been smart enough to fear before it happened. 

As I put the gas pump back I hear an aggravated sigh. I smirk. Someone's not having a good day. I on the other hand, have had an excellent day as visions of English girl dance through my head. A very good day. And then I hear sniffling. Like that person's crying. Okay, so gas prices are high but that's not really a reason to have a meltdown. I can't resist casting a glance over my shoulder. And that's when it happens, when I see her. Everything disappears, I don't hear the cars passing on the road nearby, I don't even see the gas station around me. All there is is her and the water pooling in her eyes that she's battling with to not let go. I feel tied to her, tethered to her. She is my everything. It's happened. Why the fuck did I have to go and imprint! And why on someone so perfect. I wasn't made for this. For love. For doing the right thing. For being the hero. I messed up everything with my big mouth and quick temper, so how was I going to fix her?

She sniffled again and I immediately felt the pull. As I continued to gaze at her long silky hair, the curves of her body, my mind racing far ahead of itself as I thought of the two of us together, naked, of her rasping out my name breathlessly, as I watched, every sniff put a crack in my heart. And I came back to reality. She wasn't panting my name, like my mind desperately imagined that she was, she was upset. And I was supposed to help her. Somehow. I pondered how as I put the gas cap back on, fiddling a little longer to think, but I was no closer to any real solution. But I couldn't keep away any longer, the pull was undeniable, as was the desire to touch her, be close to her. So while my eyes were still taking in her every feature, my feet were carrying me forward, forward. 

And now I was at her side. What was I supposed to say? I clenched my fists and unclenched them to keep from impulsively touching her hair, the skin on her cheek, her neck, grabbing her butt. None of that would be smooth. She behaved as if I weren't there, trying another credit card in the machine. When the words "Not Approved" flashed across the screen, I realized the problem. And I didn't have a lot of money. A monthly allowance, a part time job that I was rapidly losing time for because of pack responsibilities, but I could surely put gas in her car. That was easy. An easy fix. 

I look at her, full on, and I feel something in me shatter. She looks completely grief stricken, depressed, frustrated, embarrassed. "Don't cry, please," I say to her in a quiet tone that I previously had no idea that I even possessed. I just wanted to know she would be okay. Before she could respond, I pulled out my bank card and swiped it for her, then I grabbed the pump, removing the gas cap and beginning to pump gas into her tank for her. I guess sometimes, even I, Paul, king of screw-ups, can be a hero.

RACHEL

Okay. Get home. Take a shower. Do the laundry. Fix dinner. I make a mental list of what I’ve got to do when I get home. I roll my eyes at myself as I realise how I seem to have slipped into this dull routine of domestic life lately, something I’ve always known I’d never want. The whole floor-scrubbing, cookie-baking deal that Rebecca’s happy to settle for. I’ve always wanted to make something of myself, not have to depend on anybody, not have to pick up after anybody. But here I am driving home from work, thinking about what to cook tonight. Work being standing behind the cash register at the supermarket. Funny how they told me that my college qualifications would actually be worth something when I got out. I guess they lied.

I give a yawn as I pull into the gas station. Somehow it already feels like it’s been a long day. I’ve been feeling so tired lately, stressing out about how to make things work at home. With Dad, with Jake. With keeping things together. And keeping us out of debt. Maybe I should take a nap first when I get home, worry about it all later. Yeah, I think that’s what I’ll do. Right after I fill up the tank, because I’m running low.

And then all thoughts of sleep vanish in a wisp of smoke as my credit card gets its response from the machine. Apparently I’m not allowed to worry about it later. “Come on, please don’t do this to me,” I mutter under my breath, shifting the weight between my feet as I swipe again. Not Approved. Again. Not Approved. I feel the panic start to rise in my chest as I try to ignore the tears stinging the back of my eyes. Not Approved. This can’t be happening. I knew we were having problems, but now I can’t even pay for gas.

I chew on my lip as I reach into my wallet. I’ve got a back-up. It should be okay, I tell myself. No need to get ahead of myself. Things can’t be this– Not Approved. …bad. Apparently they can. Apparently they can get worse. As I feel the first tears start to slide, I realise that someone’s come to stand beside me. I thought it was one of the attendants or something, but when I look up it’s pretty obvious that he’s not. He asks me not to cry, his voice so gentle that it makes me want to cry even more, I’m so embarrassed.

And then he does something completely unexpected. He swipes his card through the machine, grabs the pump, and starts filling up my tank. I stare at him wide-eyed, stunned. For a long moment, I just stand there not knowing what to say. Did I just get myself into so much trouble that I’ve actually resorted to imagining a kind, handsome stranger coming to my rescue? “I…” I’m at a loss for words. I wipe my damp cheeks with the back of my hands and start over. “I…” Nothing. This is embarrassing. “You… you didn’t have to do that…”

PAUL

For a moment as she watches me begin to pump her gas, she looks like she might cry more. Crap! Even when I think I'm doing something right, I'm doing something wrong. All I did was help her, but she looks closer to tears now than she did before. Please don't cry more, I silently plead with her, unaware that the look in my eyes is pleading for her to be okay too. When it dawns on me, I realize I must look like a loser. A loser in love with a stranger. And I tear my eyes away from her to look down at the asphalt. I stare at it, memorizing the oil and gas stains as if my life would later depend on that knowledge. I couldn't risk looking at her again. And looking once again like a loser in love with a stranger. Even if it was the truth. How would I possibly explain it to her? Oh, yeah, by the way, you're forever bound to me, whether you like it or not, because of some magic, because I'm a big giant wolf when I wanna be. And why the hell would someone as beautiful and perfect as her want to be bound to me? I don't know the first thing about how to love something. How do I love her? How do I make her happy? It's just not in my nature. 

And then her reason for wanting to cry deeper becomes apparent. She's nervous. And probably thinks that I'm loco for doing this. We are after all, like I said, strangers. She doesn't know me from Adam. And I don't know her from Eve. Other than the fact that I crave to be near to her. I crave to touch her, to hold her, to wipe her tears away, to comfort her somehow. But I'm not really good with that sort of thing, unless you want physical comfort. I'm not big on emotions, and even less big on talking about them. But she looks about to break so I say to her, again in that gentle voice I didn't know I possessed, "Don't worry about it." 

Then my eyes are directed back to the ground and I can't help but scowl at the seeming inability I had to even control my own tone of voice around her. Not that I wanted to talk harshly to her, but this tone made my voice sound foreign to me. Not that I wanted to raise my voice, especially not right now, when she looked so fragile, like glass. I couldn't be the one responsible for breaking her, shattering her into a million pieces. And I would seriously kill anyone who ever did. 

Then she said that I didn't have to and I spoke, somewhere between a murmur and a mumble. "Yes, I did." And I did. I had to help her. I had to be there when she needed me.

RACHEL

In the gentlest, sweetest tone he tells me not to worry about it, and it almost seems like a voice that doesn’t suit his strong, sturdy frame, yet at the same time I find it having a surprisingly calming effect on me. As if I really don’t have to worry about it, even though clearly I haven’t been worrying about it enough. But as I watch him, still rather dumbfounded, I notice the way his eyes lower to ground, the way the muscles of his jaw seem to tighten and his lips press together in a hard line. I don’t know what to make of that. Just a moment ago he seemed so kind, and I mean, he must be, considering he’s standing there filling up my tank for me like he’s got some kind of obligation to do it. 

And then I hear him say something. It’s barely audible and I wonder if I’m hearing it right. He says he did, in response to what I said, but he says it in a way that makes me rather confused. It somehow sounds like he’s hovering between doing it wholeheartedly and being forced to do it and feeling embarrassed about it. I don’t know how to respond to that. But as I watch him, my heart starts to feel all warm inside at how he stepped in to help me when, contrary to what he just said, he didn’t have to. I didn’t even ask, and he didn’t even offer to help – he just helped.

“Thanks…” I say quietly as I sniffle and try to get my emotions back under control. But it’s so hard to do that when just seeing him do this for me tells me just how bad my situation really must be. “Thanks… I... I’ll pay you back.” That sounds lame. He just saw the Not Approved Not Approved Not Approved practically jumping out of the screen. “Well… I mean… I can’t right now, but I’ll take down your number and, I promise I will once I can.” It seems trivial, but it’s already bad enough that I’m in debt without having to owe money to someone I don’t even know. Besides, accepting monetary help from a stranger doesn’t feel right. And face it, he doesn’t exactly look like he owns Microsoft.

PAUL

I feel her eyes burning into me as I pump the gas. She's definitely looking at me. Staring at me. Studying me maybe? But why? Why? I mean what is there to puzzle out. She was in a bad spot and I helped. Because that's what good people do. Or, in my case, generally good people who are smitten with their magically bound imprint. It's simple really. So what the hell has got her so confused? Or maybe, just maybe, she likes what she sees. Maybe she's checking me out. And while I would like to think that, I know that that probably isn't it. She wouldn't be thinking about that, while she's still so upset. 

The gas pump clicks, signaling that the tank is full. I hang it back up and replace her gas cap. She starts to thank me. And usually if I did something like this, something this seemingly selfless, I'd either want a parade thrown in my honor, or have ulterior motives, ones that would involve me, the girl, and a bed. And while I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't be thrilled if this ended with me, the girl, and a bed, that’s not the motivation. The reasons behind my helping are pure. Because I would never, could never use this beautiful woman standing in front of me. She needed help. And I needed to take away her tears. I needed to make sure she was okay, provided for, had what she needed. 

I stuffed my hands deep into my pockets as I walk over to her. I tried my hardest, but I couldn't stop the smile that began to spread across my lips, small and gentle, lighting up my face at her rambling. "You really don't have to worry about paying me back," I said to her gently, wanting to reach out and touch her, pushing my hands deeper into my pockets. She made swiping motions at her own tear stained cheeks, and I felt inadequate for not being able to dry her tears. "I'm sorry," I said to her quietly, as I saw it already starting. I was already letting her down. "But let me give you my number," I say, wanting her to have it, in case she ever needed help again but I didn't want this to sound like a come on. "You know, in case you ever have another gas emergency." She looks so embarrassed, that I want to smack myself. I hadn't meant anything by it. But she looked humiliated. What could I do to fix this? Why did I always have to put my goddamn foot in my mouth?

RACHEL

I feel the heat rise to my cheeks as he smiles at me. A warm, kind smile. On what I’m becoming increasing aware of as being an incredibly handsome face with strong, well-defined features. I can’t help but feel myself smiling back shyly as he tells me not to worry about paying him back. How can I feel so lucky and unlucky at the same time? He’s so sweet. And so when he says he’s sorry, I’m a bit confused. I assume that he’s referring to my little – well, kind of big – predicament, but it almost sounds like he’s actually apologising for himself. Apologising, when he just swooped in and came to my rescue. That sounds silly, maybe I really do need to get myself some good sleep.

He then goes on to say that he’ll give me his number anyway, and for some reason I feel my blush deepen. And I can’t help but give a small, embarrassed laugh when he mentions another gas emergency. “I sure hope it won’t come to that… But yeah, let me just get a pen.” I open my car door and lean in to reach across and grab one from my glove compartment. I can’t be bothered digging around to fish out some notepaper, so I figure my palm will have to do. That way I won’t lose it. When I hop back out again, I realise that we still haven’t even introduced ourselves yet. Now I feel kind of rude. “My name’s Rachel, by the way,” I tell him, holding my hand out to shake his. “Rachel Black.”

PAUL

She says that she sure hopes it won't come to that. And I do too. I hope it won't come to that because I hate to think of her going without anything. I wonder if she has money for food. Maybe I should take her out, get her something to eat. What else might she go without? What else might she need that I don't know about? I want to provide her with absolutely everything I can, everything she needs. I want her to know that she really can call me anytime for anything. "If you ever need anything..." I say to her as I gently take her hand into my warm one, afraid that if I'm not very careful I might hurt her, break her. But touching her hand. It's like nothing I've ever felt. It's a complete jolt through my whole body. Everything is tingling. I feel the pull even stronger now. And I feel at peace, like there had been a hole somewhere that had been filled now. God, I needed her like I needed to breath. And I hated that. I hated being dependent on someone. But I loved it at the same time too, because I needed her. 

When I'm done writing my number down on her hand, she introduces herself. "Rachel," I reiterate quietly. It's possibly the prettiest name I've ever heard. And I like how it feels in my mouth. When did I get to be so damn corny? I like how her name feels in my mouth? But I do. And I find myself saying it again, "Rachel." I smile slightly at her. And then she continues to say that she's Rachel Black. Black! Rachel Black! What the fuck?! My hand snaps away from her, like it's on fire. Jake's sister Rachel. The one who's been looking out for Billy? Rachel Black? I curse my fucking bad luck, as I growl a little. I would have to suck up to that asshole Jacob now? So not going to happen. I don't care what she needs, but I can't be all buddy buddy with whiny pathetic Jacob Black. Not happening. "Jacob Black's sister?" I question, hoping that she says no. If she agrees, I don't know if I will be able to hold back the string of profanities. 

I then realize that I'm being rude. Not that I care. I mean if she's Jake's sister I'm out of here. I really am. Imprint or no imprint. Gorgeous or not. Amazing smile. Beautiful laughter. I'm so not going to be able to go anywhere. I groaned inwardly. "I'm Paul," I tell her, "Paul Harwood." I wonder if she remembers me. I wonder if she'll hate me once she does. Because all she knows of me is that I was the kid who used to terrorize her brother.

RACHEL

I smile at how nice his hand feels over mine, how his touch sends an unanticipated shiver of pleasure down my spine. It’s firm and strong yet so gentle. It feels so natural there it’s kind of weird. He is, after all, still a stranger at a gas station. I wonder about how warm his skin is, hot even. Like I’ve noticed Jacob’s has been. I’d asked him several times if he was sick or something but he always brushed it of telling me I’m imagining things. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I’ve been away too long. 

But then he shocks me by pulling his hand away upon hearing my name, so sharply that I find myself taking a step back, wondering what I did. He stares at me, disbelief written all over his face. I feel my pulse pick up speed a little, trying to register his reaction. And then he mentions Jake, a tone of recognition in his voice. “Yeah, you know him?” I reply, even though it’s obvious that he does. And I can’t help but notice that he doesn’t seem all too thrilled about it.

When he snaps out of it and proceeds to introduce himself, it’s then that I realise why. “Paul… Harwood?” I repeat after him, wondering if I heard right. This can’t be the same Paul Harwood that Jake used to come home complaining about when he was a kid, the same Paul Harwood who gave my brother a black eye on his birthday because he was jealous of his new bike. Not that Paul. This guy doesn’t look that young. Then again, Jake doesn’t really look his age either… “You’re kidding, right?” I see the look on his face and can’t seem to hold back the laugh that escapes my lips. It is him, all grown up now, obviously. “Oh my gosh, we meet at last!”

PAUL

She's laughing! She's really laughing?! At what? This is so far from funny. I find the love of my life and she has to be related to one of the most annoying people that I know. That I've ever met. Probably that I ever will meet. This is no laughing matter. What if she's a whiner, like Jake? I have to deal with that double for the rest of time? After all I did find her crying at a gas pump. Could my luck be any worse? What do I do now? I shove my hands deep in my pockets. It's safer that way. No touching. I don't feel the peace if we don't touch. If we don't touch, I can ignore the pull. Really, I can. I can cut myself free from this bond. Besides she deserves better than me. She deserves somebody who didn't beat up her kid brother. 

But I find myself laughing despite myself, because her laughter is contagious. "So I guess my reputation precedes me," I said to her simply. And then I wasn't sure what else to say. And I needed to get away before I ruined her life. "I should go," I tell her, heading back towards my truck. She won't think this is funny when she finds out what's going on here. That her free will has been taken away. And that the universe's idea of a cosmic joke was to stick her with me.


	2. The Differences Between Legend and Reality

RACHEL

He has the nicest, deepest laugh. I grin at what he says. Somehow I can just imagine a little version of him jumping on Jake and punching him in the face. Then again, I can kind of imagine this big version of him doing the same… But just as I'm about to carry on with the conversation, he turns away and barely says he's leaving before actually, well, leaving. I stare after him for a moment, my gas station saviour, and then let out a sigh as I realise that I feel empty all of a sudden, that warm, pleasant feeling of lightheartedness now gone. That I have to get back home and do as I'd initially planned. What was that again? Right. Chores. Laundry. Dinner. And then worry about how I'm going to sort out these financial issues.

It doesn't help any when I finally get around to cooking and realise that we're out of so many things. I can't even afford to pay for the gas to run my car, and now we're running out of food? Please say it isn't so… I feel my head start to spin at the realisation that we're really getting into trouble here. Just as the tears are about to start, I hear Jacob letting himself in through the front door. I quickly pull myself together before he notices something's wrong.

That evening, we sit down for dinner together as usual. I'd somehow managed to dig around the kitchen and put something together. I try to keep myself smiling, even joking along with them. Dad compliments my cooking as he usually does, and Jake pokes fun at me, saying I'd make a great housewife. I reach up and grab a tuft of his hair, tugging at it until he laughingly relents and takes it back. I see the smile on Dad's face upon watching us, and seeing Jacob laugh when he hasn't much lately. He shakes his head and mocks us, "Now, children…" I stick my tongue out at Jake and get back to my food.

But the whole time, the happy mood starts to make me feel worse. I can't break it to them, especially my father, when he's in such good spirits. I have to find some way of fixing this without having to drag him down too. After dinner, Jacob gets up to wash the dishes while Dad goes off to watch TV. This sense of normalcy, sense of home, is something that I can't bear to break, and I know it'll put a strain on everyone if they find out. And what good would it do to tell them anyway? Jake's still at school and Dad can't work, so it's not like there's much point in just making them worried.

I choke back on my emotions long enough to get myself outside. I stand under the night sky, trying to calm my nerves by letting myself get enveloped by the cool night breeze, by breathing in the fresh air. But holding it back all evening winds up taking its toll on me and I burst into tears right there, covering a hand over my mouth as I start to cry, afraid that they might hear me.

PAUL

It's only been a few hours and already I'm feeling this weird, sick, twisted need to see her. My imprint. I want to stay away. I try to stay away, I don't even realize what I'm doing until it's too late. I've been patrolling for a while, but once I relaxed and let instinct take over, it led me here. Straight here. To the woods behind the Black house. I followed her damn scent without even realizing it. How the hell am I supposed to avoid her, for her own good mind you, if my body takes over and leads me to her all the time. Like she silently leads me to her, pulls me in. It's like my inability to stay away is all her fault. And as I smell the coconut and lime scent that I already know to be distinctly Rachel, I wouldn't want it any other way.

I stay in the shadows and watch and listen as they have dinner together, joking and laughing. I feel momentarily jealous that I'm out here while they're in there, seeing her smile, being in her presence. I feel a tension grow in my gut at our distance. I want her by me now. I want to phase and run up her steps, barge into her house, and kick her brother out of the seat next to her. I want to, but I don't. She probably already thinks I'm a mindless Neanderthal. All the times that I beat up her brother. I hear dinner ending. The television flips on. Probably Billy. And there's the clank of dishes. I wonder if she's doing them. But I know it's Jake as her scent grows stronger and then I see her on the porch. I am expecting to see her with a smile still on her lips, with the joy of the frivolity at dinner still on her face. But she looks small, stressed. And then she walks away from the house. And then the worst thing ever, she starts crying...again. The relevance of her maybe being a whiner is not lost on me.

But her pain is my pain and the urge to be near her, that grew with the sound of her voice, the strengthening of her smell becomes too strong when I see her cry. She needs someone. She needs comfort. I can't ignore the pull any longer. I barely remember to phase in my haste to get to her. I toss the shorts on as I move out of the forest. It's all I'm wearing, low slung cut-off sweats. She's going to think I'm crazy. But I can't give it much thought as I proceed to make my way to her. As I watch her cry.

"Rach," I say gently as I cup her face in my hands. She seems startled, and it's then that I forget that I don't make a lot of noise when I walk around. "I'm sorry...for scaring you," I say to her, my thumbs gently grazing her cheeks, wiping her tears away. I pull her close to me, pressing her against my chest, unsure what else to do, feeling helpless. I don't have the slightest clue what to do with a crying girl. My hand strokes her hair softly. "Is this okay?" I ask her quietly. Before I even get an answer I ask. "What's wrong?"

RACHEL

All of a sudden, I feel a pair of warm hands on my face. I jump and nearly let out a scream, but the next moment I realise who it is. Even in the dark, I can make out his features. I'm confused for a moment, confused as to what he's doing here. In the middle of the night. Without his shirt on. But the feel of his touch, it's so warm and comforting that right now I don't even care why he's here. For some reason, he's showed up to dry my tears again, for the second time in one day, as if he's my own personal guardian angel.

I let him pull me into his arms, let myself sink into his embrace. As he strokes my hair, I find myself sobbing against his chest, the tears flowing freely now that I finally have a shoulder to lean on. I can't cry to anyone else. Not to Jake, and not to my dad. I've had to constantly hold my chin high and pretend that I don't feel the humiliation of being stuck in a lousy job and barely being able to keep my family afloat.

When he asks me what's wrong, I start to cry even harder. Everything's wrong. Nothing's okay. Everything looks fine but it's not. If I can't find a way around this, everything's going to fall apart and it'll be all my fault and I won't be able to do anything about it and what then? What'll happen to us then? "First the cards… and then I came home… and we're running out of food… and Jake and Dad… and I'm trying so hard… but it's not good enough… I don't know what to do anymore…" The words come out in a tangled mess between choking breaths, I'm not even sure if he could've made out half of what I just said.

PAUL

"Shhh," I try to soothe, in a way that I feel like a toddler trying to soothe their crying mother for the first time. I feel like I have nothing to offer her. She can cry on me. And I'm physically warm. But I've never seen myself as too much of a warm or inviting person unless I wanted to turn the charm on for some girl. But I don't want to be charming. I want to be actually helpful and comforting. "Everything will be okay," I say, almost awkwardly. This is what people say in these situations, right? They say things will be okay.

"I have no idea what I'm doing here," I murmur honestly into her hair. That's probably the least comforting thing I could say, but I wanted her to know why I was so bad at this. I continue to stroke her hair, and rub her back as I hold her close. Her crying doesn't seem to be letting up. In fact for a moment she cries even harder. And my heart breaks. "Oh, Rachel," I say softly, just holding her. And then she tries to explain things to me. And I can only make out about every other word. I growl slightly when she mentions Jake. How dare he add to her problems?

"So wait..." I say, trying to sum it up. "Is this about money?" If it was, that would be so easy to fix. So easy. That was at least a problem I knew how to handle.

RACHEL

He holds me tighter, seeming not to care that my tears are rolling down his bare chest. There's something comforting about this feeling, my cheek against the heat of his skin, and if I were thinking straight I would be wondering why it doesn't feel weirder. In fact, why it actually makes me feel good. I mean, it's not every day that I cling to a half-naked stranger in the middle of the dark. I'm not really into that kind of thing…

"Everything will be okay." He tries to soothe me with those words, and even though I know he feels awkward saying them, even though he seems to feel unnatural playing this role, I actually do feel better. I do want to hear these words, despite the fact that he's not sure if he should say them. I don't care if it's not true. The way he says it makes it easy for me to pretend that it is.

But then he asks if it's about money and I feel embarrassed all over again, like I did this afternoon when the cards wouldn't work. Embarrassed that I've found myself in such a sticky financial situation and embarrassed about him knowing. I've always been a little proud that way. I've always been able to handle things, to keep things all nice and organised and together. And now that I can't, now that things aren't working out the way I want them to, it just makes me feel kind of useless really. Like I'm not doing enough, even though I've been working my butt off trying to save us.

I find myself pulling away slightly, hanging my head so that he can't see my eyes as I nod quietly, still shedding silent tears.

PAUL

The second she steps away it's like there's a part of me missing. I miss her already and she's standing just in front of me. And the way she hangs her head ashamed and gives me a small nod, breaks my heart. I reach out for her again. I don't want her to feel embarrassed. I don't want her to pull away from me. But maybe she doesn't want to be that close to me. I am practically a complete stranger. I wrap my hand around her arm gently, pulling her close, back into reach, but not back into my arms. I want to fix this so badly. But I don't have the first clue how to stop her tears. I place a finger under her chin and slowly raise her eyes up to look into mine. But she avoids my gaze all the same. "Baby, look at me," I say to her, realizing too late what I said. She probably thinks I'm a total creep now. Calling her baby. When we don't know each other. "Please," I beg her. I wait until her eyes hesitantly meet mine and find no judgment there.

"We can figure this out," I say to her gently with a small smile. "I can help you. You just have to tell me what you need." What does she need? If it's money, I'll find it. If it's food, I'll buy it. If it's someone to kick Jake's ungrateful ass, I'd be more than happy to oblige. I just need to know what she needs.

RACHEL

I still feel ashamed, but I gratefully welcome his touch, leaning against his side. He asks me to look at him, and I'm surprised at what he calls me. Baby. Surprised, but in a kind of nice, pleasant way. If it were anyone else I would've felt weird about it, but somehow with him I just don't. I'm not sure why. When he pleads with me again, I can't bring myself to keep avoiding his gaze anymore. Slowly, I raise my moist eyes back to his.

He's so reassuring. Like he could solve anything in the world for me. But this isn't as simple as filling up a gas tank. This is far bigger than that, and there's no way he can help me with this anymore than Jake or Dad can. After all, he is Jake's age, isn't he? I shake my head against his shoulder, sniffling quietly. "Thanks, you're so sweet," I say softly. "But you've already done so much, even just by being here. I couldn't possibly accept anymore help from you than that…"

PAUL

Now she was just being ridiculous. Of course she could ask me for help. Help with anything. Maybe she somehow knows that I suck at all of this, that I suck at comforting things and fixing things. I've never even really tried to fix anything before. Never cared enough to. But I feel like, with Rachel I could find a way to fly. I didn't like that she didn't want to tell me, that she didn't want to hand her burdens over to me. "Rach..." I prodded her, again taking her face between my hands as I faced her. Again wiping away her tears. "You can tell me anything," I say to her. And I want her to. I want her to say, Paul, I need groceries, or Paul, I need five hundred dollars, or whatever it is that she needs.

"We can go grocery shopping tomorrow," I say to her quietly, having made that out between her sobs. "I'll take you," I say to her. I wanted to fix this so badly. I wanted to take away the things that were causing pain. "And we'll start working on those credit cards too."

And as if I felt the need to seal it, like a promise, I leaned forward and kissed her lips gently. "Just don't cry anymore, baby, please."

I was probably scaring her at this point.

RACHEL

It's like he's known me forever, the way he calls me Rach. He insists on trying to help, even offering to take me grocery shopping tomorrow. Like he didn't just pay for my gas this afternoon too. I'm about to protest, to tell him that I honestly can't let him do that, but he takes me by surprise by leaning in and pressing his lips to mine, lightly. There's a soft, tingling feeling that lingers even after he pulls away, even when he begs me not to cry anymore. But his kiss startled me enough to stop my tears. "Tha–" I begin to thank him again, for being so sweet, but then I hear another voice, one that doesn't belong to Paul.

"Rachel?" I jump and turn around, my hands flying behind my back as if I have something to hide. I see my father just feet away, looking shocked. He must have realised I wasn't inside and come looking for me. "Dad! I–" But again I get cut off by him. "Paul?" I study his expression and wonder how much he'd just seen, if he saw the kiss. I mean, I'm grown up now, I've been to college and back, but I don't usually get kissed by guys lurking around outside my house in the middle of the night. Okay… that just sounds wrong, put that way. Right. So. This is just a little bit awkward. "Uh…"

PAUL

We're interrupted at that moment. And at first I think that it is Jacob. And I'm feeling the urge to pound the shit out of him for interrupting me and my Rachel. For pulling her away from me. But then I realize it's Billy. He's in on the secret because of Jake and because of the fact that he's an elder on the council, he knows all the legends. He's very tightly wound into this whole werewolf thing. "Hey, Billy," I call to him, with a wave, chuckling at how Rachel seems scared to be caught with a boy by her father. I wonder how much he's seen. I move closer to Rachel and rest my hand on her back. "Just looking out for Rachel for you."

He looks between the two of us and then realization dawns on his face. "Rachel, come inside." I feel disappointed that she's going to leave me. My face falls. "You too Paul," he says to me. And I can't help but smile at the fact that I get to stay with Rachel. I guide her through the yard by the small of her back, and I feel wrong standing in front of her dad and yearning to touch more of her as my fingers brush for a moment against her. "We need to talk," he says to Rachel. And I feel my stomach drop. She can't know the truth. There's no way she'd want me. No way she'd be okay with that. I give Billy a murderous look as we enter the house, but I still follow what he tells me to do.

I take Rachel's hand and lead her to the couch, sitting down and pulling her down next to me.

"No way," Jake exclaims as he comes into the room. "Guess we're gonna tell her."

Billy nods. Everyone sits. And then Billy begins. "We have something very important to tell you. Do you remember the legends?"

RACHEL

Dad calls us in. As we walk in, Paul seems to be getting bolder with the touching, which surprises me, but I don't really mind. I mean, I'm not the kind of girl who likes having random guys touch her or anything, but this time is different somehow. And well, he did just spend the last few minutes comforting me when he really didn't have to. Right, forget the fact that I have no idea what he was doing outside my house in the first place… he does kind of seem like the stalker type… but not in a bad way, I don't think. Are there good stalkers?

I wipe my cheeks and rub my eyes slightly, hoping Dad won't notice that I've been crying. Then he says we need to talk. "Talk? About what?" I ask, but no one answers. Why do we need to talk? It's not like I'm fifteen or something, come on. But once we get in and I see Jake's reaction, I realise that there's something else going on. But Dad and Jacob were fine over dinner, what's the deal now? "Tell me what?" I ask, but again no one answers. I turn and look at Paul. He's still holding my hand, but he almost seems nervous about something. Like he knows something about this too. What's gotten into everybody?

"We have something very important to tell you," Dad says at last, his tone solemn. More important than the fact that we're running out of food and the money to buy it, I wonder? And then he stuns me by asking if I remember the legends. I let out a laugh in spite of myself. "Legends?" But he's perfectly serious. I look at Jake and he's not laughing with me. And Paul still looks like he's not particularly thrilled. My smile fades. "What about the legends? Excuse me, but can someone just tell me what the heck is going on here?"

PAUL

She asks if someone can please just tell her what's going on here, I can hear the tinge of worry in her voice. And the way that her heartbeat picks up, shows me she's confused, freaking out a little. I squeeze her hand and then turn to face her on the couch. Her wish is my command. She wants to know. And I want to keep her from having a heart attack. Or at least a panic attack. I rub soothing circles on the back of her hand as I look her in the eyes. I gather my courage, because she could always run away screaming, telling me she never wants to see me again. She could call me a monster. Or she could think that we've all gone nuts. But either way, her rejection would make my life lack meaning.

"Shit," I mutter, not knowing if I had the strength to do this. "Do you remember the legends about us descending from wolves, being able to turn into them?" She nods. And I know it's not eloquent. It doesn't prepare her at all for what I'm about to say. But I can't listen to her heart thunder anymore. So before anyone else can speak, I say, "Well they're true. Jake and I... and some others. We turn into wolves."

Now I held my breath, waiting for her reaction.

RACHEL

"Shit." I raise an eyebrow. Okay, I ask them to explain whatever it is to me and he goes 'shit', while still rubbing my back. Hmmm… and why does this feel good? Right, Rachel, focus. He asks if I remember the legends about us descending from wolves and being able to turn into them. Eyebrow lifts higher. Yeah… "Well they're true. Jake and I... and some others. We turn into wolves."

I think I just slipped, and I'm sitting down. Did he just say that he and Jake turn into wolves? Like, seriously? I look from him to Jake to Dad to Jake to him and back to Dad. Why isn't anyone laughing yet and going 'Haha, Rach, gotcha!'? "Turn into wolves?" I echo lamely. "Oh come on guys, Halloween's ages away."

But not one of them is even cracking a smile. Okay, now they're starting to freak me out. Am I dreaming? Maybe all the stressing out is finally getting to my head. Thank God I'm sitting down or I think I might just faint. "This really isn't funny…" I say weakly, still waiting for someone to drop the act. "Next you're gonna start talking about aliens and vampires, right?"

PAUL

"Well not aliens," Jake chimes in.

I shoot him a death glare as Rachel's eyes go a little wide that he didn't dispute vampires. I continue to rub her back in soothing circles, starting to get worried that she really isn't going to take this well. My hand begins to slowly try to work out the tension that is newfound in her muscles. I know Billy's here. And I know he'd be better at telling her this than me. I'm not exactly full of tact. But I want to be the one to tell her. I feel like I have to be. But I can't think of the right words.

"I'm not kidding, Rach," I say to her as gently as I can manage with an audience. And while this tone isn't as gentle or soothing as the one that I used with her before, it still sounds slightly foreign to my ears, and gets Jake to look confused, like he didn't know that I possessed such a tone. "All the legends are true," I plow ahead, hoping I don't mess this up. "We're wolves. And we keep the village safe from vampires."

"The Cold Ones," Billy says, elaborating it into the terms that she probably heard it as a child. He rolls over to Rachel. "I know this is hard to accept," he says, taking Rachel's hand in his, "But try." He seems to wait to see Rachel's reaction, unwilling to push more information on her if she can't handle it. And for that I'm grateful because really there's so much to say.

RACHEL

Not aliens? What the hell is that supposed to mean? And they keep trying to insult my intelligence. The legends are true. They're wolves. And they keep the village safe from vampires. The Cold Ones from the stories. What kind of cheap joke are they trying to play on me? What kind of fool do they take me for? But then Dad looks me in the eye and asks me to try to accept it, and I realise that my father wouldn't intentionally subject me to this kind of torture. Which means…

My hand jerks out of Paul's as I jump to my feet. "You mean you…" I point at Jake, and then at Paul. "…and you…" And then I laugh. I rake my fingers through my hair and laugh. And step around to the back of the couch and pace. And laugh. Then I stop and look at them again. And then I shake my head and pace and laugh again. Because I feel like I need to since no one else will.

After a few moments I stop. And this time, finally, I don't start laughing again. Instead I cross my arms over my chest, dead serious now. "Prove it."

PAUL

I feel the air leave my body, my heart stops beating for just a moment as she jerks her hand out of mine. As she gets up, I jump to my feet too. I'm ready to run after her if she is going to run. But she doesn't, she just gets to a clear patch of floor and paces. And laughs. And paces. And laughs. What does she find so funny, I wonder. Or is she having some kind of psychotic break? I want to go to her, but I'm scared that I won't be received well. Then she stops dead and looks at us, looks me in the eye and says prove it. I stare back at her, not sure if it's the best of ideas. But she looks so determined. And I need her to accept me. I nod to her, "Okay." I hold my hand out to her and say, "Come on."

Jake jumps between us, lightning quick. And he growls deep in his throat. "That's not safe," he says to me. He doesn't trust me. He thinks I'm too volatile. But this is Rachel we're talking about. I would never hurt her. And so I tell him so between clenched teeth, the growl in my voice. "I would never hurt her."

Then Billy speaks. "Rachel, if we show you, you have to stay on the porch." He must know she'll agree because he continues to tell Jake to go get me and extra pair of pants because apparently I can't strip down in front of his baby girl. I smirk, thinking about how we'll both be doing that soon enough. And then it turns to a smirk of triumph as Jake sulks off to get another pair of sweats. And I again reach my hand out to Rachel. This time she takes it and I lead her outside. I want to kiss her before stepping away but I don't want to push my luck, so I give her a final, longing look before accepting the pants from Jake and trotting out into the yard.

I set the pants on the ground and then concentrate on the process of phasing. I feel the burn spreading through my body. And then it rips through. I feel the wolf parts of me come into control as I land on all fours and look up at the porch. My head cocking to the side as I watch Rachel, waiting for something.

RACHEL

He says okay and my determination wavers. So he can prove it to me? I bite my lip, hesitating as he holds his hand out to me. And then suddenly Jake's standing between us, growling at Paul. Growling like, I suppose, a wolf might. He says it's not safe. At first I wonder what he really means by that, and then it becomes clear when Paul says he would never hurt me. And even though I'm not really sure I believe this whole wild dog business, I find myself believing at least that much. I believe that he wouldn't hurt me.

Out on the porch, I wait for something to happen. Well, actually, I'm still kind of waiting for something to not happen. But then something does. I stare in shock as Paul, the same Paul I met today at the gas station, bursts out of his pants and I watch it all as if it's in slow motion. Until he lands on his feet… his paws. He's a wolf. A great big giant wolf. My jaw drops, my mouth hanging open. I turn to my dad in disbelief, pointing weakly at Paul. Or what was Paul just a few moments ago. "He just… he just… turned into a wolf. A wolf," I tell him, even though that's exactly what he kept trying to tell me that he could do.

I want to go closer. I want to know if this is really for real. But Dad grabs hold of my arm. "No," he says sternly. "Stay here." And his tone tells me that I can't protest. I turn back to Paul and stand there for a long moment, looking into the eyes of that massive gray wolf. And it's almost like he's pleading with me. And I realise that it's Paul that's pleading with me. I can't possibly not believe now. "He's... he's beautiful…"

But that doesn't make it any less crazy.

PAUL

I can't help but grin in my big wolfish form as she says that I'm beautiful. And those words make me feel amazing. She's accepting it, I think. She's accepting me. But she looks so flabbergasted. I let out a hacky chuckle as she says what we've been trying to tell her for the last thirty minutes. Yep. I'm a wolf. I kinda wish Billy would let her come down here. I wouldn't hurt her. I never could. Hell Quil gives Claire wolf rides, like he's a pony or something. But I guess I can't fault him. I am the least stable of all of the wolves. I want to go to her. I want to talk about this. I want to know if she's okay with it. And then we need to tell her the rest. We need to tell her she's my imprint. She's mine.

I don't even think about decency, or hiding. I don't think about the fact that they'll all see me naked. I just want to get to her as quickly as possible. So I phase on the spot, almost forgetting about the clothes as I start to walk, and stop just as quickly, remembering the pants. Remembering the decency I have to fake. Because I honestly don't mind in the slightest being naked around Rachel.

I run across the yard to her, standing in front of her, waiting for some sort of sign that all of this is okay. "How you holding up?" I ask her with a small smile, clasping my hands behind my back as I wait for an answer. Not wanting to touch her again until I'm sure it's okay.

RACHEL

His transformation back yet again takes me by surprise, but mostly because I thought he'd be, kind of, well, doing it without us looking. He did, after all, rip his clothes apart. But apparently he has no qualms about being buck naked in front of everyone. As he starts heading this way, I blush, grinning as I dip my head slightly. I guess it would be pretty inappropriate to say 'He's beautiful' again right now. The look on Dad's face is so priceless that I can't help but giggle. When Paul does get here, with Jake's pants on, both my father and my brother glare at him darkly. I clear my throat awkwardly, trying to stifle my laughter. And it's nice, to have my tension eased somewhat.

Then he asks how I'm holding up and I remember that, well, he did just turn into a giant wolf right before my eyes. "I'm okay… I guess," I answer slowly, and I am, but not completely. After all, it is quite a lot to take in. Part of me is still trying to convince myself that I'm awake. I go on to admit, "I can't say that that wasn't just the craziest thing I've ever seen though… crazy, but cool." A funny thought suddenly comes to mind and I tap my lip with the tip of my finger, grinning sheepishly as I contemplate whether or not I should ask. "Do you get like, hairballs?"

PAUL

As she blushes and ducks her head, trying to hold back her giggles, I can't help but give a grin, ignoring the glares from her father and brother. She's so damn cute. But her blush, the ducking of her head. It makes me wonder if she's just pretty shy. Or if she's innocent. She's been to college and back though. She's had to have seen guys before. Been with guys before. I feel jealousy roil in my stomach at those thoughts. At the thoughts of other men putting their hands all over my Rachel, probably not for the right reasons, and probably not with the respect that she deserves.

The second that she says she's okay with it, I move closer to her, not caring that the others are watching. She says it's cool. Strange, but cool. I can live with that. Then she seems to be contemplating something. when she finally speaks again, I can't help but give a heartfelt chuckle. Do we get hairballs? I move even closer, my hand reaching out to brush some hair behind her ear and then I leave it there, tangled in her hair as I gently raise her eyes to mine. The blush is still present on her cheeks. And I stroke her cheek gently with my thumb. She's gorgeous with the pink tinge in her cheeks. I want to kiss her, but I don't think that would be appropriate right now, in front of her family, especially when there's so much more to say. I shake my head. "No, no hairballs," I tell her, "But we do run a warmer body temperature, and we heal quickly..." I don't want to overwhelm her.

I capture her eyes with mine. "But, Rach, there's more."

RACHEL

He says no hairballs. "That's great, I think it would be kind of weird if you started hacking up hairballs all over me…" I comment with a grin, making a subtle reference to how close he is to me right now. Not that I mind. In fact, I kind of like it, the way his fingers are running through my hair. The part about the body temperature, I kind of guessed as much I suppose. I have noticed how warm his skin is, and Jake's as well. But healing quickly wasn't something I expected. I wonder how just quickly he means by that. Still, all this I think I can deal with. It's completely messing with my sense of reality, but in time, it'll probably start to sink in properly.

But then he says there's more, and his gaze is so intense it nearly takes my breath away. "More?" I echo, my voice sounding a bit more like a squeak now. What else could there possibly be? Santa Claus?

PAUL

My face twists up with disgust as she talks about me hacking up hairballs on her. "That's kind of gross," I tease her good naturedly. I know she meant no harm by the question. But I find it funny that out of everything that she could ask, that's what's on her mind. She's worried about hairballs. And not at all about me being dangerous, or vampires coming after her or anything. She's taking it all in stride. And I think that that's pretty amazing of her. I lean in closer, I know Jake will still hear, but I want the semblance of a private moment. I whisper in her ear. "You're amazing."

And then I lean back and nod when she asks if there's more. And it's then that I do want to be alone with her. I want to tell her that she's the one for me, my soulmate, in complete privacy. I don't want interlopers on that moment. It's personal. I look at Billy. "Could we be alone?" I asked him. He nodded and made Jake go with him, though he protested a lot, and they both went inside. "Thanks," I said to Billy, who nodded before closing the door.

Then I turned back to Rachel. "There's another wolf thing. Do you remember the story about the third wife? How she was the one Taha Aki loved above all others? How she sacrificed herself to save our people from the cold ones?" She gave me a confused nod. "Well she was his imprint." She looks even more confused. "And you're mine." I gave her a sheepish grin, before trying to explain it better. "Basically," I shifted from foot to foot. My free hand flexing and relaxing as I tried to say this right. "The second I saw you, my whole world changed." I reach out and take her hand in my free one, intertwining our fingers, pulling her body closer to mine, using our closeness as a distraction. "You became the most important thing in it," I continue as my fingers unlock from hers and my hand rests on her hip lightly. "You're my reason for being. All I want to do is make you happy." My thumb rubbed gentle circles on her hip. I decided that that was enough of an explanation, unless she had questions.

RACHEL

He tells me I'm amazing. And I blush even deeper. I can't deny the attraction that I feel towards him, even though he is kind of coming on a little strong. But then he asks Dad and Jake to leave us alone and I have a weird feeling about this. What more could there possibly be that he needs to tell me alone? Is big hairy wolf not enough for one night? He turns back to face me. Apparently not.

I raise an eyebrow, confused when he asks me if I remember the story about the third wife. I nod quietly, not seeing what this has to do with anything. Then he says I'm his imprint and my jaw drops for the second time tonight. Imprint? That's supposed to be like, what, a soulmate? Oh come on… But he's really not kidding. He says his world changed the second he saw me. He says I'm his reason for being. His reason for being, for crying out loud. What is this, Hans Christian Andersen? Do I get a fairy godmother too?

I smack his hand away and take a step back, my hands in the air. "Whoa, back up just a second here," I say in a voice that sounds too shrill to be my own. "I meet you at the gas station and now I'm supposed to be your, what, your mate for life?" Wolf, I can handle. Even hairballs I can handle! But this? He can't be serious. "You're a funny guy, Mr. Harwood. But I'm not laughing anymore."

PAUL

She blushes when I say that she's amazing. It's so cute how perfect she is. How beautiful. And she doesn't even know it. She blushes when I say it. I kinda wanna say things like that to her forever, just to watch the pink spread across her cheeks. But she's not reacting well to this news. She can handle us being wolves, but she can't handle being with me. I can't blame her. I'm pretty much the worst guy for this role ever. I don't know how to be good to someone, not like how Rachel deserves. And she could do better than me, I'm sure of it. After all, she is a woman, and she probably thinks of me as just a boy. But I want to be a man for her.

She smacks my hands away and I can't help but wince. Not because it hurts physically, but because I can see her walking away from me. Putting distance between us. She's going to reject me and my reason for living is going to evaporate. But I know I won't stop trying to make her happy, even if I have to find a way to do it from a distance. I care about her, I need her too much to simply pretend that she doesn't exist.

She's going to leave. She doesn't want me. She knows that I'm not made for this. My hands fall weakly to my side, feeling useless. How could I possibly do right by her? How could I possibly make her life any better? I feel completely ineffectual. But I can't let myself give up.

"Rachel," I say to her, my tone sounded defeated because I am sure of what her response will be. "Please..." I don't even try to reach out for her, feeling already too shattered to take any more rejection. But then I listen to her actual words. What is she afraid of? Why was it okay to cry into my bare chest, but now, nothing? Is she afraid of how fast this is happening? Is she afraid of not having a choice? I study her for a moment and take an unsure step towards her.

I swallow deeply before saying the hardest thing I've ever had to say. "You always have a choice," I said to her softly, "If you don't want to be with me, that's okay. So long as you're happy, I'm happy."

RACHEL

He pleads with me, looking positively crestfallen. And the look in his eyes makes me feel so rotten and suddenly all I want to do is take my words back. But then I remember what's going on here and I just feel so freaked out that I don't know what to make of it. I like him. I really like him. He's incredibly sweet, and kind, and though he may be a little rough around the edges – okay, maybe a lot rough around the edges – let's face it, he is really hot. But now I'm wondering if I'm actually thinking this or if that's just what's being fed into my head because of this… imprint thing. If it's even true.

Then he says I have a choice. That I don't have to be with him. Why, why, why does his tone break my heart? I feel awful now. He seems to think that I don't like him or something and that's not true. But just because I like him doesn't mean I'm ready to be his bitch. I mean, literally, since he's a wolf, right… I'm skeptical about what he's saying, that I have a choice. Because even now I feel like I do kind of, you know, want to be with him. And I don't know what to make of it. It feels like too much right now. "That's not it…" I say feebly. "I mean… I don't know what I mean. I'm just so confused. How am I supposed to have a choice when I'm your– your imprint?"

PAUL

She doesn't know what she means? Care to elaborate on that? Because I don't know what she means either. Frustration flashed through my eyes momentarily. I don't know what to do. I don't want her to be afraid. I don't want her to feel obligated to be with me now, even if it doesn't make her happy. I don't want her to reject me either though. But I could never handle her unhappiness. Fuck! That's what I want to scream right now to let all of my frustration out. As it bottles up, I feel my body vibrate. But one look at her and I know I can't let that happen. I can't phase. I'm too close to her. I might hurt her.

Maybe I should try and explain the imprint better. "It's not like that exactly," I try again. I mean all the imprints so far are couples. With the exception of Quil and Claire, but that's because Claire is two. Who knows what will happen when she grows up. "I mean, like I said, you're the most important person in my world. But that doesn't have to be the same for you. You're your own person, Rach, and I would never want to take that away. We're made to be whatever you need. Best friend. Big brother. Protector. Lover." I couldn't not mention it. Even now I wanted to be her lover. But I would be whatever she wanted me to be. I was already aching from not touching her. I wanted to touch her so badly. I crossed my arms over my chest to keep from reaching out to her. "Hell, even nanny." She gave me a quizzical look. I knew she would know Quil as Quil had been one of Jake's friends growing up. "Quil's the best nanny Claire could ask for...He imprinted on a two-year-old." She gave a disgusted look. "It's not like that. He's not a pedophile or anything. The thought has never crossed his mind. He just plays endless hours of tea party and Barbie and gives her extra cookies. He just wants to make her happy."

I looked at Rachel. "I just want to make you happy. However you need me, I'm here. Just please don't tell me I can't be a part of your life."

RACHEL

I take another step back when his body seems to shake, seemingly triggered by something I said. And I can't say that it doesn't scare me. It does. I don't know what he's going to do and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Is he angry at me for feeling the way I do about the whole situation? For saying or asking what I did? "I'm sorry," I say tentatively, even though I don't know what I did wrong. I watch him, now frozen in place, waiting for something to happen. But slowly, the shaking comes to a stop and the fire in his eyes starts to calm. Then he speaks again, trying to make me understand the so-called nature of the imprint thing.

So I do get to keep my free will. But I feel my heart constrict as he explains further. "We're made to be whatever you need," he says. So that means he's the one who doesn't get to keep his free will then. Like he's bound to me, and it's up to me to determine his role in my life and ultimately, his life. That's still not fair. In fact that's even less fair. Then he mentions nanny and my thoughts are momentarily sidetracked. "Nanny?" I echo, curious as to why he would stick that in.

And what he tells me makes me feel sick. Quil, the guy I remember as that cute little kid who used to hang out with Jake, imprinted on a two-year-old? A toddler? That is just vile. I'm about to say that he should be kept away or something but Paul is quick to try to explain that he's not a paedophile, that he just wants her to be happy. He says that the thoughts have never crossed his mind and I want to ask him how he would know. Who knows what goes on inside the head of a pretty much grown man playing tea party with a little girl? I shudder at thought.

But then he turns the attention back to us. And his eyes are begging me, pleading with me, to just let him be a part of my life. And the intensity of his gaze pulls me in – I can't refuse. I can't deny him that. And even in my confused state, I don't think I want to either. I nod quietly, moving closer again and touching his arm lightly. "This is… a lot to take in at once," I say softly, not wanting to see the hurt in his eyes anymore. "I need time to process this, to make some sense of it all. Just… let me sleep on it, okay?"

PAUL

She's moving closer to me and my heart soars, my eyes light up, I feel like life has just been breathed into me again. I think that I pretty much love her already. But I'm not going to tell her that. And I would gladly accept whatever she's willing to give. Whatever she sees as appropriate, I'll do. She's standing too close to me though. I can smell her sweet, tangy smell. I want to touch her again. And then she touches my arm and I feel my whole body relax, just from one touch. I still feel the pull though and I move a little closer. But I try to control myself. She's not okay. She's uncomfortable. She needs time to think. I nod my head at her, giving a small smile. "Take all the time, you need," I tell her quietly, breathing in deep to take in her scent, since this may have to hold me over for days. I can't resist leaning down and kissing her forehead one last time before moving a respectable distance away.

"I'll see you around," I tell her as I take the steps down her porch. I'm hoping I see her sooner rather than later.


	3. You Needed It and I Need You

PAUL

All night all that I can think about is Rachel. Her smile, her laugh, her blush, her lips against mine for just a moment in time, her curves, her long silky hair. I even miss the feel of her tears against my bare skin. I close my eyes and breathe deeply, trying to imagine her scent, trying to imagine the feel of her petite frame in my arms. I want to be near her so bad. More than once I resist the urge to leave before giving up. I run through the woods between our houses and sleep outside her room, under her window, needing to feel close to her. I don't even plan for the eventuality that she finds me. I mean what do I say, no I'm not a stalker, really. Like that would be believable. 

I don't have to worry about this though as I am woken by the first light of day and a quick surveillance of the house tells me that everyone is still asleep. I phase back to human form. I don't want to push her, so I know I have to leave, and I have to try and stay away, except for maybe these nocturnal visits to sleep below her window. But I want to help her. And while I can't get her to come shopping with me now, that would be pushy, I could still go for her. 

So I go back home for my truck and I venture out to the nearest store. As soon as I get there, I look around. I don't even know where to start. I don't know what she likes at all. But I do know what Billy and Jake eat. And I know that whatever Jake eats he eats a lot of it. Just like me. And honestly, I'm hoping to eat there soon. Though maybe I could invite her to Emily's one night when she's cooking, so she can have a night off. I'm sure Jake and Billy can fend for themselves for a night. So with this in mind, I begin to fill a cart with tons of food, to the point of overflowing. 

After the shopping trip, I go to the Black house and begin to unload the truck, it still being very early in the morning, though at least into the realm of decent hours now. I had planned to stay quiet, but to make just enough noise to get Jake's attention so that things wouldn't go bad sitting on the porch, but as I was carrying the last load from the truck to the porch, the door opened, and it wasn't Jake like I had hoped, or even Billy. It was Rachel. I set the bags down awkwardly. "Hey," I say to her, not sure what to do. "I was just dropping this off for you," I explain. I hadn't meant to make contact. I had meant to give her as much time as she needed.

RACHEL

I spend half the night awake, thinking. Trying to figure things out. Trying to work out which way’s up. And the more I think about it, the more the initial shock starts to wear off and it doesn’t seem quite as awful as I perceived it initially. I fall asleep with his face in my head, and wake up in the morning with it still there. It can’t really be that bad, right? I mean… I like him. A lot. And, well, even though I’ve only known him for less than a day, I already like having him around. So surely we can work this out somehow, in a civilised manner. Fine, it’s still crazy to think that he’s a wolf, that my brother’s a wolf, but I can learn to live with that, in time.

As I get out of bed, my head feels a lot clearer, everything seems to have sank in just a little bit. I give a yawn and stretch before making for the kitchen. All this thinking is making me hungry, I think I’ll grab myself some breakfast. But then I get there and open the cupboard and that’s when I remember why I was outside with Paul in the first place last night. My shoulders slump as I realise that I still have this mess to deal with. After closing the cupboard, I’m about to sink into a seat at the table when I hear some noise coming from outside. Curiously, I go to the door, still dressed in my pyjamas, my hair a mess. I peek out the window first.

Paul? And what’s he carrying?

I open the door to find a load of shopping bags filled with groceries lined up outside, with him setting the last ones down. Stunned, I look up at him as he greets me. “You bought all this?” I say in shock, even though I already know he did. My hand rests over my chest as I start to smile through my tears, touched. Yet again, he’s come to my rescue. “Oh Paul… you shouldn’t have...”

PAUL

I see tears in her eyes and even though I'm pretty sure that they are happy tears, I still feel like I've done something wrong somehow. And more importantly that I need to fix it. My instinct was to go to her. I wanted to hold her close. Tell her not to cry. Say it was okay. Tell her that she deserved this and so much more. But I couldn't. I didn't even know if I was welcome in her life yet. And I didn't know that I wanted her to decide that I was simply because I had bought groceries. 

I shifted from foot to foot as she said that I shouldn't have. Maybe she was right. Maybe it was too much. Or maybe she was trying to tell me that she didn't want me. "You needed it," I say in explanation, giving a shrug. I would give her anything she needed, ever, whether she asked for it or not, so long as I knew. I refuse to meet her eyes, but I look everywhere else. My eyes lingering a moment too long on her long, bare legs, courtesy of her night gown and robes. It would hurt way too much to look there and see some form of rejection, or to see her tears, either way. I look in her direction. I look at her face. At her lips as I speak again. "I didn't mean to wake you up." I hadn't. "I didn't mean to bother you..." And then I stepped back slowly, pulling out my keys, starting to walk to my truck. "I'll see you later, Rachel."

RACHEL

“No, wait, please don’t go!” I call as makes for his truck. When he turns back to look at me, I feel myself blush again. Geez, why do I keep blushing around him already! “I mean… you didn’t wake me up, and uh… I was kind of wondering if you’d…” I cast my eyes down a little. I’m not usually this shy around guys, but I guess with the whole imprint thing, everything still feels a little new and foreign. “I was wondering if you’d like to go for a walk with me. Maybe.”

I glance back up at him to see his reaction, and then realise that I’m still dressed for sleep. “I’ll have to wash up and get changed first,” I say with a sheepish grin before adding hopefully, “Why don’t you come in?”

PAUL

She tells me to stop and I halt immediately, spinning to face her, hope on my face. Please let her not just be saying thank you, or begging me to let her repay me somehow. I don't want her to. I just want to help her. I just want to be with her. I watch her intently. She's blushing again. Looking down at her feet. It's cute. But I wish she wouldn't be so shy around me. I want her to look me in the eye. Then she asks if maybe I want to go for a walk with her and I fly over the distance between us, taking the steps two at a time, excited. She wants to go on a walk with me. She wants to hang out with me. She wants to be around me. Hopefully with me. 

I put a finger under her chin and tilt her head up. "I would love to," I tell her sincerely. 

Then she mentions needing to get cleaned up. And I'll be sad to have such a clear view of certain parts of her body disappear, but I cherish every second she's willing to give me. "Well then get in there," I tell her playfully, turning her back to the house. "I'll bring these in and put them away while you get ready," I tell her, gesturing to the bags on the porch.

RACHEL

I grin when he tells me to get in and get ready. “Okay, thanks. I won’t be long,” I say before heading back in, going straight into my room. After brushing my teeth and washing my face, I get to work getting changed. I don’t usually bother much with appearances but today I want to look at least, well, nice. Presentable, you know. I throw on a bright yellow tank top and jeans. Not too shabby, but casual enough. After brushing my hair, I toss on a jacket and go back outside to meet him. 

I see him waiting in the living room, his hands stuffed in his pockets. I’ve noticed him doing that a lot. “All set,” I say, flashing him a smile before nodding towards the door. “Shall we get going?”

PAUL

She's absolutely gorgeous. I mean, I always knew she was beautiful, perfect in every way. But today, I don't see her sad, or stressed, and she's dressed up. And the effect is stunning. I want to tell her I think she's pretty. But I don't dare break whatever bond we have now. I don't want to ruin it. I don't want her to say we're just friends, or that now she doesn't want to go, so I stuff my hands inside my pockets to try and keep from being too touchy feely and grin. "We shall." 

I want to give her my hand. I want to guide her over the tree roots and bumps in the road. I want to make sure she's okay. And I want to fill the aching hole in me with her touch. I shove my hands deeper into my pockets as we began to amble aimlessly. It's then that I realize that we don't know much about each other. And I'm not sure what to talk to her about. "So, you went away to college, right?" I ask her. She nods. "Where at?" I ask again, trying to talk to her, trying to know her.

RACHEL

“Washington,” I say with a casual shrug. “Just got back a while ago. Gotta keep the boys at home in line you know.” Not really, I guess. Dad and Jake have made it this far just fine without us girls. But I guess deep down I’ve missed them. And even though coming back home was hard when I seemed to find Mom’s absence in everything, it’s getting easier, and it’s nice to be back with family. Money trouble aside, of course. 

I turn to look at him, studying his features again in the daylight. It’s funny how he really doesn’t seem his age, really doesn’t seem that much younger than me, so much so that it’s kind of easy to forget. “So… do you go to school with Jake?” I ask. I’m so distracted by him that I suddenly trip on a raised tree root. “Oops!”

PAUL

She tells me that she went to school at Washington. I wonder if she'll even want to stay here. I mean she's seen the world beyond La Push. She knows what's out there. And I can never leave. I'm bound here by duty. I already know that I need her to stay. After all I can't even sleep without being near her, knowing she's safe and close. She says that she came back to keep the boys in line and I chuckle. Before I can say anything she asks me a question. 

And that's when things go horribly wrong. she trips on a tree root and my hand shoot out immediately to make sure that she doesn't fall, and I catch her before she hits the ground. And this causes electricity to course through my body, our touch does. And that quenches the need to fill the ache inside of me. But now I want more. It's been too long. Simply holding her doesn't quench the thirst. And while that voice of rationality yells from somewhere in the back of my head that it's too soon, that she's still working on trusting me, that this could break everything she's agreed to so far, I can't help but hold onto both of her arms and move closer to her. My fingertips trail up her arms lightly until they get lost in her hair. "Be careful," I practically whisper to her. 

I take this moment to just be in awe of her beauty. I look into her eyes and she doesn't seem to be giving me a look that screams you're creepy, so I move closer, needing more of her, but only if she's willing to give it. I pull her closer, leaning down to press my lips against hers soft and gentle in the beginning. Her lips respond moving against mine. And her acceptance, her perfect body so close, I could hardly control myself. My hormones were taking over. I pressed closer to her. My hands trailing down her sides again as my kiss became more hungry. My hands hooked through the belt loops on her jeans and pulled her body close to mine. I held her close, one hand moving to massage her back. But then my hand started to casually makes its way under her shirt and she was still holding onto me, kissing me. My fingers caressed her bare skin and I spread my hand wide, my palm pressing into her back, holding her closer as my other hand loosened on the belt loops and moved to her butt, cupping it before giving it a squeeze. It was then and there as my lips moved down to her neck, that I decided she had the best ass I had ever held.

RACHEL

He catches me as soon as I start to fall, firmly grabbing hold of my arms before I can smash my head into something. But he doesn’t let me go… he’s got his fingers tangled in my hair, his eyes burning into mine. I’m stunned, speechless, and before I can work out what’s going on his lips are on mine and he’s kissing me softly. And it feels so good that I practically melt against him, my lips starting to move in sync with his, forgetting everything. And then it grows deeper, so much deeper, to the point that it’s like all the air has been expelled from my lungs and I’m desperate for his.

My senses are heightened as his searing-hot hand slips under my top, pressed against the bare skin of my back, but even then, I like it there. I like having him touch me, I like the feel of his warm skin against mine. Who cares if he’s that much younger than me, or that he’s a wolf, or that I’ve got money troubles demanding to be worried about? Right now I don’t care. Everything else can just wait while I kiss him like there’s no tomorrow.

Until I feel his hand make its way down to squeeze my butt. My eyes, which had been half-closed and dreamy, snap wide open as I realise what’s going on. I smack his hand away and pull away from him, away from his lips pressing kisses into my neck. “Hold it, hold it, hold it… Paul, not like this…” I give myself a moment to catch my breath. I see the hurt in his face, but… I really like him, and I want to get to know him, but not like this. This isn’t the way to go, not when we only just met yesterday. “No, it’s not that I don’t like you. It’s just that… you can’t go grabbing my ass like that okay? I hardly even know you yet. This is going too fast…”

PAUL

Everything seems to be perfect for a moment in time. And for that moment I get how the other two guys who have imprinted can feel that it's the most amazing thing ever. And I feel a little hungry to know what sex with your imprint is like. If it's as amazing as kissing her is, then it's going to be better than anything I've ever experienced. And it'll make all of the other pathetic things I've been doing: holding her when she cries, going grocery shopping for her, and a host of other things I'm sure to do as her bitch, worth it. Totally worth it. 

But then she freaks out on me again. She smacks my hands away, she backs up from me. She tells me I have to wait. I have to cool it. And for a moment I wonder what's wrong with me. Doesn't she feel the pull too? Doesn't she feel drawn to me like I'm drawn to her? I thought that was how this whole thing was supposed to work. And it hurts that she doesn't want me. Not even a little bit. I've never really been turned down so forcefully before. Most girls giggle and say no. They just don't want to seem easy. Or it's their first time, and they need some assurances. Usually lies, but I always know the right things to say. But Rachel was serious. She was dead serious. She wanted to wait. She wanted me to stop. And for the life of me. I couldn't come up with a reason why. 

"Why not, Rachel?" I thunder at her and immediately regret my tone. Deep breath Paul, deep breath. I try to move towards her. She's right, it's probably inappropriate. But it's what I want. It's what I need. I need to be close to her. And it's the only way I could maybe say to her what I want to say, that I love her. And she's rejecting it. "It's not like you have to worry about me going anywhere, is it?" I say to her, still a little cold, almost as if I resented the hold she had on me. And at that moment I did. Because even if she stormed off, it's not like I could go and get another girl. The only one I wanted was Rachel.

RACHEL

I would’ve been okay with it if he’d just given a nervous laugh and carried on walking. He wouldn’t even have had to apologise because he wasn’t the only one doing the kissing. But he’s shouting at me, and that’s stolen my calm. I wince at his tone. Has he no decency? “So?” I demand, crossing my arms with a frown. What happened to my having a choice? Can’t I choose to take things slowly? Just because he’s imprinted on me, just because he’s been nice to me doesn’t mean I’m obliged to be his whore in the middle of the woods just because he feels like it. “Excuse me, but that’s not the point. I’ve barely even known you for twenty-four hours, for crying out loud!”

He’s still giving me that cold, hard glare. I’m wondering if what his explanation about the imprint was true after all. That seems to be the only thing he cares about right now, and it’s not like it’s only just started. He was at it yesterday too – it’s just that yesterday it was a little subtler, he hadn’t yet crossed the line. I can’t help but wonder about Quil and the little girl he imprinted on. I stare back at him in disgust before turning on my heel. I may like him, but not enough to let him get away with behaving inappropriately.


	4. Flowers in the Rain

PAUL

It's been three days since I watched Rachel walk away from me in the woods that day. My pride was hurt, bruised. I needed to know somehow that she wanted me in some way. I just needed that desperately. But it seemed at every turn, she was denying that fact. She was proving to me that I wasn't good enough. And maybe she was right. Maybe I wasn't. Maybe I was too hormonal, too handsy. But to be physical and handsy was the only way I knew how to express any affection. I wasn't a touchy feely kind of guy. I just wasn't. And I wanted to know that things here weren't one sided. But maybe I had to take smaller steps. Maybe I had to try my hardest to be that guy, the touchy feely one, for her. And the worst part was that after three days without her, I was willing to try. I wanted her so badly. 

I had knocked on her door three hours ago with flowers, because I thought that might be what you do when you mess up. Jake had answered the door and yelled to Rachel that I was here. She had said she didn't want to see me. Jake had smiled the biggest grin I’ve ever seen on his face before giving me a fake sorry and then shutting the door. And I'd been standing out in the rain ever since, hoping that eventually she would come talk to me. I would wait right here, until I got to talk to her. And I had to keep assuring my already fragile heart that she would come.

RACHEL

I want to see him, so badly. Yet at the same time, I don’t. I don’t want to see him if he won’t learn how to respect me. Imprint or no imprint, there’s no excuse – it’s not okay for him to behave that way, especially not when we only just met. But somehow, ever since I turned my back on him, I started missing him. And he’s just everywhere. I still feel his touch on my skin, still smell the salty scent of his sweat as I buried my face in his bare chest, still hear his voice telling me everything’s going to be okay. He’s there every time I get into my car and drive, every time I open the pantry and see the groceries he bought.

And then suddenly he’s really here. At the door. Jake calls to me, saying that it’s Paul. I immediately get to my feet, but stop after taking two steps. No. I can’t face him, this guy that I like so much, when I know that he’s not going to treat me with the kind of respect that I want. That would hurt too much. “Tell him to go away, I don’t want to see him!” I yell back at Jake before going back to my desk and slumping back in my seat. If that’s what I really want, then why do I feel so miserable? You’re pathetic, Rachel Black, just pathetic.

I sit for a while, listening to the rain hitting the roof, trying to get lost in the sound of it. But a while later, I decide that I might as well stop moping around, get up and get started on dinner. But as I rise from my desk, my eye is drawn to something outside my window. I move closer to get a better look. I blink several times, not sure if I’m really seeing things right. Paul’s out there, soaked to the core with a drenched bouquet of flowers at his side. It’s been ages since I told Jake to get him to leave – has he really been standing there ever since?

I run out of my room and grab an umbrella before opening the door. He’s looking at me with imploring eyes. I want to say something nice, something caring to get him to smile again, but I can’t. I’m still furious with him. But not to the point that I would let him stand out there in the rain looking like an idiot. I open up the umbrella and walk towards him. “What are you, stupid?” I shout over the sound of the rain. I grab his hand and tug at it for him to follow. “Get in here.”

PAUL

"What are you stupid?" she barks at me, but I can't help but grin as I feel her fill up the hollow parts of me again as she takes my hand. And she did come out for me. So she obviously cares, right? Or maybe she's just bringing me in to yell at me, so that I'll leave her alone for good. But I could never really leave her alone for good. Even if I knew it was what she wanted. Even if I tried. She tells me to get in and gives me a shove towards her door, which wouldn't have moved me any, except for the fact that I wanted it to. I wanted to be in her house. I wanted to talk to her. To apologize. Even though I don't feel really like I'm sorry. And even though I know I'll do it again. It's just how I am. But that's something else. I want to explain. 

I hold the flowers out to her, though they are now battered and bruised from the rain. "These are for you," I say to her, wondering how she'll react. I shift from foot to foot, rubbing my brow nervously. "Do you have somewhere we can talk? Alone?" I don't really want to bear my soul in front of her dad and brother in the living room.

RACHEL

I scowl at him, but then he passes me the flowers. They look pathetic now, but it shows just how long he was out there. I feel my heart soften a little as I take them from him, barely muttering a thank you. I set them down temporarily on the table as he asks if we could talk alone. Great. Now he’s in my house and if I invite him into my room there’s going to be a bed and that’ll give him even more reason to act like a caveman. But that’s the only option, since I can’t exactly throw him back out into the rain. “Stay here,” I mutter before going to Jake’s room. I knock twice and then let myself in. He begins to protest when I head for his closet to pull out a towel, a pair of pants, and a shirt. “Hey Rach, come on, I don’t have that much clothes left, okay? I’ve already ripped, like, half of them.”

I’m not in the mood for Jacob’s whining right now. “Suck it up,” I grunt at him before walking back out, slamming the door behind me. Then I meet Paul again in the living room and toss him the stuff. “You. Bathroom. Change. Now. Then we’ll talk.”

PAUL

She disappears and I am momentarily confused, until I hear her in Jake's room. And he's whining about her handing out his clothes. I catch the clothes and the towel easily. "Whatever you say, Rach," I say to her with a smirk, since she's obviously concerned. Or maybe she just doesn't want me to put my wet clothes on her things. Which I can't blame her for, I don't guess. I go into the bathroom and change quickly. I would always do whatever she told me to. Even if I wasn't too keen on the idea. I returned to the living room a few minutes later. I reach my hand out to her, wondering if she'll take it. "Lead the way," I say to her. She doesn't take my hand, and it stings again, but I guess I should accept it. She's pissed. And why shouldn't she be? I'm close to my Momma, she knows all about the wolf stuff, and she knows all about how I am. She hates it, I know. But I had to finally go to her for advice on this one. And she had hit me upside the head with a book, to keep from hurting herself. And she tried to explain to me why Rachel would be upset. I had made her feel cheap, like she meant nothing to me. That had not been my intention. Ever. I wanted to try and set this right. She closes the door behind us when we get in her room and she looks nervous, like she's scared I might maul her or something. And I feel instantly guilty for making her scared and nervous around me. 

"Relax, please," I plead with her, my eyes imploring. I sit down on the corner of her desk, not going to the bed, not wanting to walk down the road that might lead to the wrong idea. I fidget for a moment as I try to figure out what to say. "Rach, I'm so sorry. You were right, I was completely out of line." I look over at her. "I've just never really done this before..." Wow, that sounded horrible. I wondered if that would put her off, since I was kind of admitting to being a man whore.

RACHEL

He offers me his hand. Shyeah, like that’s gonna happen after the last time. I scowl at it before walking past him huffily, leading him into my room. After shutting the door, I move over to the far end of the room, standing by the window. Relax? I’m so pissed with him right now I would grind the heel of a stiletto into his skull if I didn’t think it were too thick. And I’m even more pissed because I actually like him. You’re such a sucker, girl.

He begins to apologise, but it hardly sounds sincere. It just sounds awkward, like he’s just saying it because that’s what I want to hear. "I've just never really done this before..." Done what before? Been decent? I raise an eyebrow, unimpressed, but he’s stopped there, waiting for my response. I shake my head. I can’t believe him. I can’t believe my luck.

“Look, if, even in the middle of the woods, the only thing you’re going to think about when you’re around me is humping me, then I don’t care, imprint or no imprint, you’ve gotta go,” I tell him, crossing my arms as I lay it down for him plainly. Might as well get straight to the point. “I like you. I really do. You know that. But I need you to respect me. When I say no, I don’t mean please grope me, Paul.” Okay, that was blunt. But he doesn’t seem to understand subtleties. “There have to be boundaries.”

PAUL

She seems completely unimpressed by the effort that I'm making here. And I do feel like I'm making a huge effort. Because I don't ever do this. And I can't seem to get it right. And then she just tells me point blank what's on her mind, what the rules are. And I can't say that I'm loving the rules. It sounds kind of like the rules say I'm not allowed to touch her. I want to be able to touch her. But control. It's never been my strong suit. It's never had to be. But now it does, so it will be hard, but doable. I could try and make this work for Rachel. 

After she says what she has to say, I try again. I know she won't come to me, so when I get up, I take tentative steps closer to her. She doesn't seem to have a problem with it, so I stop in front of her and take her hands into mine. That's all I'm going do, hold her hands. I just need to be close to her. I sort of swing our arms from side to side, not knowing where to start again. 

"Let me try this whole apology thing again," I say to her honestly. "I'm not very good with them. Or with a lot of words really. But you deserve a real apology." I stop swinging our arms and look into her eyes. "I'm sorry for what I did to you in the woods. It wasn't appropriate. Not towards anyone, but especially not towards you, towards someone that I feel such a connection with, such a strong urge to protect. I just never thought I'd need to protect you from me." I give a nervous laugh. "And I'm sorry for not respecting you. I'm sorry if I made you feel like anything less than perfect. I didn't intend to make you feel cheap or anything." 

I rub small circles on the back of her hands. "I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not the perfect guy. I haven't treated girls in the past the best. It's always been physical. I'm not really sure how to do the rest of it. But I want to for you, with you. I want to be what you need. And you need a better man. So, can you be patient with me?" I hope she says yes, "While I try and figure out how to be a good guy, the kind of guy you deserve?"

RACHEL

I let him take my hands. It’s harmless enough, and even though I’m not about to admit it to him right now, I have been kind of missing his touch. What he does next, though, makes me want to laugh. He’s so nervous and awkward, like a five-year-old with a crush. I’m kind of wondering if his social skills have ever advanced beyond that of a five-year-old’s, but I recall the gas station encounter, and when he held me as I cried, and I decide that just isn’tfair. Clearly there are times when he does try, like he’s doing now. I’m tempted to smile, but I’m still mad at him and he needs to know that.

When he opens his mouth, he’s so nervous that I want to tell him not to worry, I don’t have cooties or anything. But of course if he were worried about that, he wouldn’t have grabbed my ass out in the woods. It turns out to be the strangest, cutest apology I’ve ever received. His lack of experience shows. Maybe I should have a little chat with his mother.

Then he admits to being… well, not the perfect guy. And I’m not sure if I really want to know how he’s treated girls in the past, but I figure I have a sort of rough idea. I’m not too thrilled about it, but I also know that he can’t change his past. What he can do is work towards bettering himself in the future, and he seems to be willing to take the first step. And that’s what matters, right? What more could I possibly expect him to do?

I stare at him for a while, but it doesn’t take long for the tiniest of smiles to creep onto my lips. I can’t resist. I don’t think I can stay mad at him for long. “Fine…” I say, patting his hand lightly. “But you’re really going to have to work on it, okay? No funny business.” He seems relieved and the way the tension seems to visibly leave his shoulders makes me laugh. “Not a bad apology, for a first-timer.”

PAUL

She teases me that my apology wasn't bad for a first timer. And I chuckle. I want to say that there will be no cause for my skills to improve because I really don't want to be messing up all the time. But I know that I probably will be apologizing all the time. It's already hard to not kiss her. She's standing there with that cute grin on her face and I just want to close the distance and place my lips on hers. Instead I tilt back on my heels and then raise her hand to my mouth, placing a kiss there. Then I let her hand go and take a step back from her. "Thanks, Rachel," I say to her, as I try to put appropriate distance between us again. I don't want to upset her again, when she's just accepted my apology. 

"Do you wanna do something today?" I ask her, "Hang out?"

RACHEL

I smile when he plants a kiss on the back of my hand. He looks kind of comical, trying to be a gentleman. Well he’s making an effort, at least. That should count for something. “Sure…I’d love to.” I reply after glancing at the clock. There’s still some time before I have to prepare dinner, so… well, why not? I don’t really know what to suggest now though, since last time the walk didn’t turn out too well. 

“Did you have anything in mind?” I ask him as I open the bedroom door and head back out. 

PAUL

I follow her out of the room, a little disappointed to leave it behind, even though I know that nothing would have happened in there. As we make our way down the hall, I hover my hand near the small of her back. I'm not quite touching her, but I feel the need to protect her, to guide her. She asks if I had anything in mind. "Well a walk is out, since it's pouring," I say to her. I try to think of something else that we could do that in no way involves any of my dirty thoughts. 

"We could just hang out here," I suggest, "You know...talk?" I look down at her, and she looks a little surprised at me. "Well you did say we need to know each other better," I say to her with a grin, glad that I could surprise her with a suggestion she might like. "And I want to get to know you," I tell her. It's not a lie. I do want to know her. 

I head towards her kitchen, trying to think of something I can do for her that might help me get back into her good graces. "I could make you some tea," I say to her as I pull a chair out for her at the kitchen table.

RACHEL

I’m pleasantly surprised by his suggestion that we just hang out at my place and talk, even more so since he doesn’t seem to be the wordy type. I mean, he’s already demonstrated and admitted as much. But I’m touched that he’s willing to try. I’m about to sit down when he surprises me even more by offering to make me tea. Tea! Says the guy who seems much more like the type to stick his head into a watering hole if he was thirsty. But I feel bad of course. After all, he is, well, my guest. And he’s already done so much for me that I would feel like I’d be taking advantage of his seemingly innate desire to please me. 

“No, no, I’ll get it,” I insist, bouncing right back up and heading over to pop the kettle on the stove. “So… uhm… tell me about yourself,” I say as I move around the kitchen. “All I really know about you is that you’re a wolf, you bought my groceries, and you used to bully my kid brother.”

PAUL

She says that she'll make the tea and before I can object, she's already on her feet and moving around the kitchen to get it all ready. And I'm left to do nothing with my hands that so desperately want to reach out and touch her. So I hold tightly on to the back of the chair as she moves around the kitchen. I watch her every move to make sure that she's safe, that she's okay. 

Then she asks me to tell her about myself and I'm not sure what to say. What should I tell her? Where should I start? What does she want to know? Obviously, I should leave out the fact that until her I was a womanizer. And I shouldn't tell her that I didn't only bully her kid brother. I'm pretty much just a bully. And to be honest. I don't want to tell her about school, and draw attention to our age difference. I need her to not think about our age difference because it might freak her out. 

So I decide to start safe. Talk about the family. "Well, I grew up without my dad. He left when I was five," I tell her. Maybe that's depressing. Maybe it's too heavy. "I have a little sister, named Mandy. She's twelve now. I spend a lot of time looking out for her. Protecting her from boys. And the cruel popular girls. But it's just been us and Momma for a long time. I'm really close to both of them." I haven't got much left. "I graduate in a few months, senior year will be over." I decide to try and get her to talk for a minute. "What did you major in?"

RACHEL

He seems to struggle at first, trying to think of what to say, but then he starts to tell me about his family. I think it’s sweet that he’s close to his mother and sister, and even sweeter that he protects his sister from boys. But I also get the impression that almost every other young girl needs a big brother to protect her from Paul. Then he says that he’ll be graduating soon and asks what I majored in.

I pull out two mugs from the cupboard. “Environmental science. You know, growing up in the reservation and all, close to nature… it just seemed to fit somehow,” I tell him. And even though I love the field that I decided to pursue, I can’t help but wonder if it was a wise choice after all. I mean, I work at a supermarket, for crying out loud. I don’t need a college degree for that. “Mmmm…” I trail off absentmindedly.

Then I force myself to snap out of it. “Right. Anyway… what do you plan to do once you graduate?” I ask him, curious because I’m not sure that he seems like the kind of guy who would pursue higher education. He looks more like the… soil and dirt and mud type.

PAUL

She asks about my plans for the future. I know what she wants to hear. She wants to hear that I'll go to school. That I'll graduate and go to college and get some kind of impressive job. But the second I became a wolf, that became an impossibility. I can't leave La Push like that. My brothers need me. The people need me to protect them. I never gave it much thought though since my goal never was to go to school. Get a good job. "Well I kind of have a duty to La Push. Giant wolf and all," I say to her, with a shrug. "I work for a construction company now. I figured that I would stick with that probably." It sounds very disorganized. She's probably not impressed. 

I take the focus off of me and on to her again. "A minute ago, you kinda went somewhere else," I say to her, "What was on your mind?" It seemed to be one of the things that was weighing on her that had been on her mind then. And I wanted to know about all of those things so that I could fix them.

RACHEL

I smile when he talks about his future plans. Or lack of them anyway. Yeah, I can’t really see him sitting at a desk behind a computer, working nine to five. Somehow the image won’t come. And there’s something about his rough, tough exterior that brings with it its own charm. Minus the ass-groping, that is.

But then he changes the subject. He asks about what I was thinking about before, sounding concerned. I work on the tea, pouring the hot water into the mugs. “Well…” Okay, this is embarrassing. I mean, I kind of feel inadequate somehow, ashamed about it. “Yeah, well, you already know about the, uh…” I rub my fingers together to indicate ‘money’ so that Jake won’t overhear. “…issues. I’m just worried about how I’m going to work it out, that’s all. My measly supermarket job’s hardly any use. So far my degree hasn’t helped with getting me anywhere, so now I’ve got this to worry about on top of my loan…”

PAUL

I can't help the good feeling that spreads through me at the fact that she's confiding in me. It feels good to know that I can be there for her in this way. That she will let me. I know that we have new rules now, and maybe I'm breaking all of them with what I do next, but I have to hold her. I have to offer her comfort with more than just words. I gently take the teapot from her hands and place it back down on the stove, before pulling her close to me, resting her head against my chest, resting my chin on top of her head. I'm serious when I say that there's no funny business here. Nothing is intended by my touch. I just want to give her this. I rub her back lightly. 

"Rach," I tell her softly. "It'll all work out." I don't know how exactly. But it will. It has to. "I'll help you." With money. With finding a job. With keeping things going here until she finds something better. I'll help her with whatever she needs. "However you need help, I'm here." And it's the truth. I couldn't let this girl down if I wanted to. 

After a few more minutes I move away from her, letting her go from my arms. I don't want her to think there was more on my mind there than there was. Just comfort. Only comfort. And I don't want to make her mad again. "So how about that tea?" I say a little awkwardly. Not sure what to do after releasing her.

RACHEL

I wasn’t expecting him to do this. To come over and hold me. But when he does, when he pulls me close to him, I can’t protest. Even though I told him there were boundaries, this isn’t one of them. This is a warm, comforting hug. And even if it’s just for a moment, he makes me feel like things might be all right after all. I nod against his chest as he tells me that it’ll all work out. But I’m skeptical when he offers his help. Not because I don’t believe that he will, or that he wants to. I believe that. I just doubt he can do very much. It’s so easy to forget, but he’s still a kid himself, still in school for crying out loud.

“I don’t know what it is that you can possibly do,” I say quietly. I don’t know if he understands that this is more than just gas and a round of groceries. “I know you mean it, and I really appreciate that, but… I don’t know, Paul…”

I smile faintly when he mentions the tea again. Maybe I should let him make it after all. He looks like he wants to have something to do. I gesture towards the cupboards. “Teabags are in there. Go for it,” I tell him, a slightly teasing tone to my voice.

PAUL

I'm left with a warm feeling even after I let her go because I know that it was okay, that I hadn't upset her. That what I had done was allowed. She tells me where the teabags are and I nod to her, leading her to the chair I had been leaning against before. And then I go to the cupboard and get the teabags out, placing them into the mugs.

I'm a little disappointed that she doesn't think I can help. That she thinks that my offer is well intentioned and meaningless. I don't know what to say next. What do I tell her? How do I convince her that despite my age I'm here for her, I'll support her, I can help her however she wants me to. I can do this. I may not age wise be a man yet, but the second that I saw Rachel, I knew I had to start trying to become one. Though I had a feeling I'd be fucking it up regularly. I'd probably never get it totally right. But maybe eventually I wouldn't be a disappointment to her. 

"Rach," I say, still not sure where to start. "I know I'm young. I know you think I can't handle this. But I can. I promise. I'll prove it to you. I'll give you whatever you need. I'll help you look for a job. I'll help you pay off those bills. I'll buy your groceries from now on. And your gas. Whatever you need. Just ask." Then I look into her eyes with great intensity. "What is it that you need, Rachel?" I wanted to call her baby again, but I figured that might be against the rules too.

RACHEL

He’s so sweet, so earnest, that it almost takes my breath away. And it would feel so bad, so mean of me to put him down again when he seems so sincere in his desire to help. I suppose… I suppose that it couldn’t hurt, to let him try. What is that I need, he asks. “The truth is, I need all of that…” I confess, looking down at my hands, embarrassed. “I guess, most of all, what I need is stability. Not just for me, but for this family, for this household.”

“Things are just starting to look like they’re going to keep spiraling downwards, and… I just… need to know that we’re going to be okay…” I trail off with a sigh, propping my elbows up on the table and resting my chin in my hands as I watch him handle the tea. I wonder if he can really understand. I guess being the ‘man of the house’ might give him some notion of the whole thing. It just amazes me that he would willingly take on another burden.

PAUL

I feel like I can handle things. Like I can help her. Now that I have a problem to face. So long as I know what's happening, I can handle anything when it comes to her. I finish up the tea and place a mug in front of her, sitting down in the other chair with my own mug. "Later we'll sit down with all the bills, we'll work something out." I reached out and took her hand in mine. "And I can be stable. I can be here for you every day. I want to be here for you every day." 

I squeezed her hand. "I promise Rachel, I'll help you through all of this. We'll make it to the other side. And you won't even remember these times, these problems." I leaned over and kissed her forehead and said again. "I promise."


	5. You're a What...?

RACHEL

It’s been months since I first met Paul, months since the mess all started. And over these long months, things have changed. To my surprise, kind of, Paul managed to stay true to his promise. He helped as much as he could with the household expenditure, even working extra hours to earn some extra cash. And that gave me time to start looking for a decent job. Of course, things weren’t easy. I got turned down several times, and every time Paul was there to comfort and reassure, and every time he helped me pick myself up again. 

But this evening there’s much to celebrate. I finally managed to secure myself a job, and a reasonably good one at that. The opening had only just come up two weeks ago, and I’d had such little time to prep myself that I didn’t think I stood a chance anyway, especially given the scale of the job – this was with the Department of Natural Resources. I’d almost decided against it, but Paul had encouraged me to go ahead, reasoning that there was nothing to lose. 

And now I’ve just gotten through my first week on the job, and I’m loving it. But I’ve been so busy that I’m glad to finally have some time to spare, to be with Paul. That’s another thing that has changed. My relationship with him. Over time it’s grown, blossomed, if you could possibly use such a pretty word in relation to anything to do with Paul. There were times when he came close to crossing the line, and sometimes took a step over, but he always tried his best to hold back and apologised gruffly if I said no. 

But lately I’ve started to realise that the line has been receding, getting further and further away. I haven’t been minding his physical advances quite as much anymore, in fact I’ve been almost inviting of them. I’ve always told myself that I wanted to wait, until I knew for sure that it was going to be with the right person. And now, well, there’s just really no denying anymore that I’m in love with him. Not just for the way he is with me, but for all of him, even – strangely enough – his flaws. So I’ve been toying with the idea. Considering taking things to the next level. And now I just feel that… it’s right, somehow. I want to be with him, in the same way that I think he’s wanted to be with me from the start.

I smile as I watch him start to clear the table. We’re at his place this evening. His mom and sister were out of town visiting relatives and he’d insisted on making me dinner to celebrate. It was pretty amusing when he accidentally set the chicken on fire and I’d ended up doing the cooking anyway, but I didn’t mind in the slightest. I move over and take the plates from his hand, placing them back down on the table before taking his hands and wrapping his arms around my waist. “Oh, leave that,” I tell him with a naughty smile as I reach up to hook my wrists at the back of his neck. I press myself against him, crushing my lips against his.

Tonight, we’ll take the boundaries down.

PAUL

I kiss her lips lightly when dinner's over and murmur against her lips. "I'll meet you in the living room." I don't want her to have to clean, especially since she cooked after I made a disastrous mess of things. Not that she seemed to mind much. She had laughed at me and just taken it all over, like she wanted to. And the whole time I spent hovering, trying to help, feeling guilty that I had ruined her relaxing dinner. The point was supposed to be that she got the night off. And I had been hoping that my cooking for her and everything would put her in a more agreeable mood for her to spend the night, since my family wasn't here. And I didn't have any lofty ideas of what would happen. But if I got to make out with her heavily and then hold her tight all night, I'd be content. 

Over the last few months, her rules had relaxed some. And I was always pushing at the boundaries of them, seeing if I could push them farther. Because I felt like my words were still lame. I wanted to show her so badly how much I loved her. I wanted her to see it to truly feel it. 

I was surprised when I realized as she settled the plates back onto the table, that she hadn't left the room. And then she gave me the most enchanting smile I'd ever seen. A kind of smile I'd never seen on her lips before. It was naughty. It promised me some sort of friskiness out of her tonight, some sort of action. And as she pressed her body close to mine, that desire was awakened completely. I wanted her so badly. I hoped that that smile meant I would be getting more than what I usually did. Not that I was complaining or anything. I loved every second with her. 

Her lips pressed to mine hungrily and that was all that I needed to let my hopes run away with me. My arms around her waist pulled her closer, pressing her as close to me as I could as I kissed her back, my tongue tracing her lower lip before plunging into her open mouth, battling for dominance with hers. I slowly moved her backwards towards the table since it was cleaner than the counter. I would take her to the bed. But right now I just needed to kiss her, to touch more of her. I grabbed her waist and lifted her up onto the table, moving to stand between her legs. My hands ran over her back and her arms, one hand slowly, so she'd have time to object if she wanted, moving under the front of her shirt. As the other held her chest close to mine. My lips trailed down her jaw line, until I reached her neck, leaving hot, open-mouthed kisses there.

RACHEL

He’s more than happy to oblige, like I knew he’d be, his kisses driving me senseless as I let him lift me onto the table, let his hands explore under my shirt. I want more than just his blundering words tonight. As crude as it seems, I want him like this, I want to know him when he’s in his element. I arch my neck back as his lips trail down along my neck, leaving me breathless. Desperately aching for him, I bury my fingers in his hair and pull his head down closer.

But right now my body is demanding more, more of what I know he can and will give me. Feeling bolder and more daring than I ever have, I hop off the table, throwing myself against him, my legs wrapping around his waist as my fingers start to paw at his shirt, trying to get under them and feel the searing heat of his skin as his lips come back up to meet mine again.

PAUL

I have to say I'm stunned. Not complaining. But stunned. Rachel's always the one to put the brakes on in our relationship. And she's always the one reminding me we have rules and what they are. She’s the one that makes me walk the line. I'm usually the one mauling her, but right now. Right now, she's all over me. And I'm loving every minute of it. And I'm not about to question it. So when she moves us off of the table and jumps into my arms, I catch her. And she's trying to get my shirt out of the way, her hands finally find their way under. And I long for both of us to lose our shirts. I long to feel her skin against mine. My lips return to hers passionately as I start to move us. 

In no time we've reached my room and I've closed the door behind us. My hands cupping her butt, supporting her in my arms, as I carry her over to the bed. My hands shift to her inner thighs while I lower her gently onto the bed. She slides up the bed to the pillow and I crawl after her, caressing every inch of her that I can reach as I do. Once she settles there, I pull my shirt off, giving her full access to my chest and back. I would love to feel her touch right now. I silently am begging that she doesn't back out now, as I move over, beginning to tug her shirt up. She sits up and lifts her arms over her head. And I slowly remove her shirt, letting my fingers trail against the skin of her sides and arms as I do. 

I toss her shirt to the floor and settle over her again as I look at her, drinking her in. She always looks so beautiful. I lean in again and kiss her passionately, until her body is arching into mine. Then I kiss her jaw, her neck, suck on her collar bone, my kisses continue to trail down between her breasts, not wanting to remove her bra without permission. I lick my tongue over the material where her nipple should be, giving it a soft tug with my teeth, until the material snaps back to her body, my hand paying attention to the other breast. She lets out a low moan. 

That moan is the most wonderful sound I've ever heard. I can't imagine there being any sound better anywhere in the world. I want to hear her make that sound again. I want to find out all of her secret spots. Everything that makes her quiver in my arms, makes her weak in the knees. My mouth moves away from her breast and she seems unhappy with this, but I just move my lips back to her skin, kissing the skin below her bra and then placing kisses all over her stomach, over every inch of her, my tongue dips into her belly button, then swirling around it before I gently nip at the skin between her belly button and the boundary of her pants. 

I'm not sure if I should go much further, though I am sure that at this point if nothing happens between us, I'll be blue. I slowly kiss and lick my way back up her body until my lips find hers again. 

And then I have to know that everything's okay, I have to be sure I didn't upset her. So I whisper against her ear. "Everything okay, baby?"

RACHEL

Everything he’s doing to my body is driving me crazy. My hands spread over the rippling muscles of his chest and on to the searing-hot skin of his back as his lips trail down my neck and make their way down to my breasts. The dual sensations as he works simultaneously on either side have the most mind-blowing effect. My heart starts racing, my breathing coming faster and more erratic, and I feel the moisture start to pool between my legs, soaking the thin cotton material of my panties. I moan in pleasure, arching my body against his, wishing he’d just do us both a favour and strip away the last few articles of clothing still standing in the way.

When he begins to work his way back up again, he teases my senses all over again, his kisses igniting flames in their wake. He asks me if everything’s okay and it annoys me slightly that his lips have paused even that long to ask a question. Okay? Everything’s more than okay. No. Actually it’s not okay. It’s not enough. I want more, I need more, I’m aching for more. “Mmhmm…” is all I can manage before I place my hands on either side of his face, moving his head slightly so that my lips can find his again, my tongue plunging hungrily into his mouth once more.

“Make love to me, Paul,” I murmur breathily as I let my hands travel down his front until they come to rest on his belt, fingers fumbling with the buckle, eager for him to shed those pants. I want him to shove the whole damn thing off and give me what I want.

But that’s when the very first hints of hesitation start to play in my head. My hands pause where they are momentarily. I want him to give me what I want. But suddenly I realise that that also means that I’m about to give him what he wants. And it’s not that I don’t want to – I want to so badly that there’s no way I’m backing down tonight. It’s just that the thing is, I’ve never done this before. And he has, heaps of times. I’m not entirely sure of what I should be expecting. I’m not sure of how much it’s going to hurt. I’m not sure of what I should be doing in order to do this right. 

Yet as I breathe in his warm, masculine scent and feel the heat of his skin against mine, I feel all apprehension start to fade away. “I’ve never been more ready in my life…” I whisper as I kiss him again to reinforce this sense of reassurance. And it’s true. I’ve never been more ready. Never been more ready for my first time. Never been more ready for him to take me, to fill me, completely

PAUL

I can smell her arousal and it's driving me wild. It's igniting a frenzy inside of me, like nothing I've ever experienced before. I want to claim her. I want to make her mine. But I also don't want to be a complete animal. I want to live up to her expectations, whatever those may be. I want to be everything she wants. Everything she likes in bed I want to do. It's then that I realize I have no idea what those things are. I've spent all of my time pushing the boundaries, trying to break the rules and get what I want, that I don't have the slightest clue what she wants. And I feel like a failure in some way. Because I've been so worried about me, and not at all worried about her, not at all thinking about her. I have to resist the urge to apologize, since her actions when I spoke earlier proved to me that tonight wasn't about talking. That’s not what Rachel wanted. 

Then she whispered, "Make love to me, Paul." I brought my lips back to hers in a slow, teasing kiss. If we were going to do this then I wanted to make everything amazing for her. I wanted to make her practically beg for it. I now knew what she wanted me to be. She wanted this to be slow and gentle and loving. Which is honestly something that I had never done before. Almost every time before now had been a little rough or fast, or maybe even degrading in some way. But I didn't want that for Rachel. I wanted her to have everything that making love entailed. I just hoped that I could do it, that I wouldn't fuck it up, like I seemed to fuck up so many other things. 

Her hands began to fumble with my belt. Until she paused. When she paused, I pulled away from her to look down, praying that she wouldn't say that to me and then take it all back. But then she told me, she was ready. That I knew already, I was unsure why she would tell me. But then again, she probably didn't know that I could smell it like I did. And I hadn't touched her yet. I helped her finish with my belt and then pushed my jeans down. Glad to be free of that denim prison. I always went commando, after all, you never knew when you would have to phase. 

I couldn't resist my desire to touch her any longer. My lips turned to hers again, this time attacking with fervor, making quick work of removing her bra. I wanted her so badly. I let out a small groan as her tongue slipped into my mouth, battling mine. My hands moved between the two of us, unfastening all the many buttons, clips, and zippers on her dress slacks. I pulled away from her lips, leaning back to pull her pants and underwear down her legs and completely off of her body. "You are so beautiful, Rach," I murmured as my hands brushed over her perfect skin back up her legs as I leaned down, pressing a kiss to her knee. I spread her legs wider as I kissed her lower thigh and then kissed her inner thigh. Then I placed a hard kiss on the sensitive bundle of nerves before trailing my tongue over the outside of her entrance. But instead of the moan I was expecting she seemed to shift slightly, almost tensing, like she was unsure. I wanted so badly to ignore it, to do this with her anyway. But I couldn't do this with her unless she was totally into it. Maybe she was one of the few girls that just wasn't into this sort of thing. Which would be a total shame because I kinda wanted to spend some time down here, maybe have her return the favor. 

I pulled away, looking up at her. "Baby?" I asked, my tone husky from desire.

RACHEL

I almost let out a gasp when he shoves his pants off. It’s not like I’ve never seen him stripped down before – he did it the very first day we met, and I’ve caught many a deliberate glimpse since then, usually after phasing. If there’s one thing Paul could never be, it’s shy. But of course I’ve never seen him like this. I guess it probably sounds silly, but it’s just the magnitude of the whole thing that’s really grabbing me now. It really goes without saying that he’s experienced, but this is going to be completely new for me. 

This pesky train of thought continues to bother me even as the rest of my body reacts with pleasure to his every touch and movement. I lift myself up slightly to help him pull my slacks off, shuddering a little at the sensation of his warm coarse hands running down along my legs and feeling their way back up again. When he spreads them wider, I gladly oblige, and he seems to like what he sees. 

But I’m nervous. I want this so badly right now, but I really am nervous. For one thing, well, there’s the sheer size of him. And then there’s the fact that I know he’s the rough sort. I’ve been enjoying everything up till now, but I’m worried that maybe I won’t like it. And I don’t want that, I want to like it. I feel myself tense a little, my fingers gripping the sheets even as his mouth works wonders on what he’s found, his tongue sliding teasingly over my opening. I just said I’m ready, didn’t I? So why am I feeling so anxious now, when I’m loving everything he’s doing to me, and craving for him to do more?

"Baby?"

There’s a slightly glazed look in his eyes, a hungry tone in his voice. “No, no, don’t stop, please don’t stop…” I murmur. I can handle this. I want this. But he’s stopped already, sensing my hesitation. Sighing, I prop myself up on my elbows, looking down at him. “I’m sorry, I’m just a little nervous,” I admit to him, realising that my own voice sounds different too, still breathless. “I mean, since I’ve never done this before… well, I just…” That’s when I see the look on his face and only then do I realise that this has never really come up before, that I’ve never told him that I’m still a virgin. 

PAUL

"No, no, don't stop, please don't stop…" She says using that breathless tone that I had imagined her saying my name with that first day we met, when I imprinted. And I want nothing more than to oblige that request, than to touch her, to please her, to hear her say my name in that same breathless tone, for real this time. But I can't. As much as I want it, she seems to be having reservations. Second thoughts. And as hard as it is to reign in, to hold back, I would rather stop now than continue and leave her full of regrets. 

"I'm sorry, I'm just a little nervous." She admits this almost like she's embarrassed to say so. And I want to know what she's nervous of. It's not like either of us has never had sex before. It'll be our first time together...maybe that's why. Sometimes it's hard to know if you'll be sexually compatible with someone. But I know that that won't be a problem with us, the way I'm drawn to her, the way I need her, the way I ache for her, feeling hollow without her. And the things she can do to me with just one look. Besides she was it for me, forever, and I was refusing to believe that fate would sentence me to lame sex for the rest of my life. My hand ran over her leg, from her knee to her hip and back as I placed a kiss on her knee, trying to offer comfort and listen, since she didn't seem done talking. 

"I mean, since I've never done this before… well, I just…" I'm floored. I don't even think I can think right now. She's never done this before? She's a virgin? My hand flies off of her leg as if I've been burned. She's a virgin and I've been pawing her like a horny dog for weeks. Assuming just because she had been a college graduate that she had these experiences and had been holding out on me. And really she was asking me to cool it, asking for boundaries because she was trying to do what she could handle. I pull away from her, my feet moving to rest on the floor. My elbows on my knees, my head lowered into my hands. Had I pushed her into this? Had she wanted this? Was she sure this was her decision and not mine? How could she be sure of that with how I'd been behaving? Was I forcing myself on her? On my imprint? And I was kind of skimping on the foreplay. This was not how a first time should be. All in a frenzy. There weren't even candles lit around the room. Nothing. It was completely unspecial in every way. And what if I messed it up? What if I was too rough or something? What if I ruined how she saw and thought of sex? What if she never wanted to do it again? What if she never wanted to touch me again? Or have me touch her? 

I stand up and find my jeans, unable to look at her. If I see her in this state of undress, I'll be helpless to do anything other than follow my urges. "Rachel, we can't do this." I tell her as I pull them on.

RACHEL

I flinch at the manner in which he pulls away. Like he’s been stung. I sit up, watching his reaction in utter confusion. I don’t get it. Did I do something wrong? It’s almost as if he’s disgusted by me or something. Is it so bad that I’m a virgin? I’ve never heard of a guy who doesn’t like doing a girl who’s never been done before. Why is it putting him off that I chose to save myself for the right guy, that I saved myself for him? I pull the covers over myself, staring at him in disbelief as he gets to his feet and starts to get dressed. The mood’s completely gone.

For him. But not for me. It’s only left me feeling empty and unsatisfied, aching so badly for his touch, for him. All of him. To give him all of me. And he says that we can’t do this. “What? Why not?” I ask him incredulously, finding it much too hard to believe that Paul, this Paul, my Paul, could go from totally turned on to completely shut off in just a heartbeat. 

PAUL

After I have my pants firmly in place, I turn around to face her again, having heard a rustle of covers, knowing she's probably covered now. She looks so confused, so betrayed. I even think that she feels rejected. And I want to tell her the real reasons why. I want to tell her that now I'm just as scared as she is. I want to tell her that I'm scared to ruin this for her. I want to tell her that I don't want to rush her. I want to tell her that I want it to be special for her. And there's a huge part of me that still just wants to chuck all of my clothes on the floor and take it back and make love to her right here, right now. 

I go over to her and lean down, my hand running through her hair as I kiss her forehead. "We just can't," is all I say before pulling away again. We've spent many nights together in the same bed, but I know that tonight I can't do that. The temptation would be too great. "I'll see you in the morning," I try to smile at her before walking out of the room to sleep on the couch. I know it's my house, but I could never throw her out. She can keep my bed. I want her to get a good night’s sleep. 

RACHEL

We just can’t. That’s all he’ll give me. He doesn’t even have a lame explanation for it. He won’t even stay with me tonight, like he usually does. He just says he’ll see me in the morning and that’s it. That’s it. I stare after him, too stunned even for tears. I was nervous, but by all means willing. More than willing. And I thought he wanted me. Hasn’t he always, from the very start? Up till a few minutes ago? He’s had sex with plenty of other girls I’m sure, so why not me? I don’t get it. Not at all.

At first I get up and get dressed in a hurry, feeling humiliated and wanting to leave. To just get away from him and go home. But then I open the door slowly and see him lying on the couch, and know that there’s no way I can walk away, even after tonight. I have to fight to resist the urge to go to him, even to just curl up with him on the couch if he will do nothing else with me tonight. But instead I shut the door quietly and crawl back into his bed, breathing in the scent of him lingering in his pillow, his sheets, and wondering what just went wrong.


	6. Marry Me, Rach

PAUL

It had been about a month since the night that Rachel came over to my house for dinner and things had gotten carried away. I had been struggling for the past month to try and keep it from coming up again for a while. I tried to come up with plans for Rachel and I instead of just randomly hanging out. And I tried to avoid being alone with her at one of our houses. I just wasn't sure I was ready to deal with that situation again. I wasn't sure that I was ready to take her virginity. I was so scared I'd ruin everything for her where sex was concerned. 

But Rachel had become almost sex crazed it seemed. Anything practically could be some kind of innuendo. And she took every opportunity to try and turn me on. And if we're being honest there was no try about it. She turned me on. All the time. With everything she did. I loved her. And it was so hard to resist her. It was so hard to turn her down. It was impossibly hard to watch the pain of rejection move across her face. 

And today was no exception. We'd been out most of the day together, and now we were at her house, watching some TV. Her father and brother were both at Charlie's. Jake was no doubt panting after that leech lover some more. And somehow things had gone from me placing a kiss on Rachel's temple while I played with her hair to her now straddling my lap, kissing me like she was starving for affection. 

My lips moved with hers and I deepened the kiss, pulling her closer. Kissing was okay. But as things started to go further and she started to reach for my belt. I groaned. I was so turned on. And I wanted her so badly. I wanted to give in. I did. But it didn't seem right to do her on this couch when her family could come home any minute. "Rach," I said quietly, my breath blowing across her neck as I restrained the hands that were working on my belt buckle again.

RACHEL

I’ve been starting to get paranoid. He doesn’t seem to want to spend any less time with me, but every time we’re together alone, he keeps putting his guard up. And try as I might, nothing I do seems to work on him anymore. Every time we kiss, he puts the brakes on. He puts the brakes on, not me, like it used to be. Like it’s such a horrible thing for him to have sex with me all of a sudden. And each time he does that, I hold my tongue, trying to be patient, trying my hardest not to be whiny and pushy and demanding.

But it’s happening again tonight. We were watching TV, something stupid that I wasn’t even paying attention to. As soon as he leaned over to plant a kiss to the side of my forehead, I seized the opportunity to press myself closer against him, to capture his lips and, to put it crudely, to seduce him. I know without a doubt that I want to do this. I was after all so ready that night until he completely cut off the steam, and I’ve been hungry for him ever since. 

But of course it’s not just the sex that I’m after, though that’s part of it. It’s him, and needing to know that he still wants me the way I want him. He’s always been all gropey and stuff, even after we established the ground rules. And now he just doesn’t touch me the way he used to anymore, and I hate that he’s shied away from me like this – it’s not in his nature at all, he can’t fool me. Dad and Jake are both out and we have the house to ourselves for a while yet, so maybe things will be different this time.

Not. He’s doing it again. The moment I reach down for his buckle, my fingers brushing deliberately against his crotch, he catches my hands, bringing everything to a halt all over again. “What?” I breathe, feigning innocence, my cheek still pressed to his. Then reluctantly, I pull away slightly and yet again I see that look on his face. The very same we-can’t-do-this look. 

I’ve had it.

Frustrated out of my mind, I leap off his lap and throw my hands up in the air. “Oh for God’s sake, Paul, what the hell is wrong with you?” I demand furiously, the heat rising to my face as I look down at him with burning intensity. “Come on, you’ve been wanting to fuck me from day one and now you hardly even touch me anymore. I don’t get it. What on earth is going on here?”

PAUL

When I first say her name, she continues what she's doing, her hand brushing against my crotch in a way that makes me hiss. She has no idea what she's doing to me. Her constant onslaught of sexual attention lately has me worked into a frenzy. But this still doesn't seem right somehow. It seems wrong for me to violate her in some tawdry way. She tries to play innocent to my speaking to her, but I don't let her, I hold strong. And I see the look of rejection flash across her face again. "I love you, Rachel," I murmur, trying to get it to go away. But instead it's replaced with anger. Her outburst catches me off guard. 

I don't like sitting here while she's standing there yelling at me, so I find my feet too, and look down at her. "Nothing's going on here, baby," I try to insist reaching out for her, to hold her, not wanting to admit my insecurities to her. But she steps away, the fire still in her eyes. "It was just different before....before, when I assumed we'd both had sex." She looked more angry, hurt and confused. "I'm just..." I paused, sucking up all of my foolish pride before saying. "Scared." 

She still looks confused. "You're just so perfect and beautiful. And I'm so not a good guy. What if I hurt you? What if I do something wrong? What if I make you hate sex?" I paused. I reached out for her and this time she let me touch her, so I brought her close. "And I just. I love you so much Rach. I don't wanna ruin anything for you." I sighed. "And I don't know what I'd do if we shared something like this and one day you realized you could do so much better than me, and you leave."

RACHEL

I fold my arms when he stands up, annoyed that he’s taller than me, towering over me like a giant. He tries to pacify me, his arms reaching out for me, but I edge well away. If he doesn’t want to touch me, then he doesn’t have to touch me. But I’m not prepared for what he goes on to say. He tells me that he’s scared. Scared. Paul Harwood. Scared. This doesn’t add up one bit. And everything spills out and it’s not at all what I’d been expecting. He thinks he might mess this up for me. Is he kidding? He’s not. He means every word. And in spite of myself I feel my anger start to dissipate, my heart warming up to him all over again. I let him pull me into his arms this time, listening intently to every word of his confession,

“Leave?” I stare at him in disbelief. “Oh come on, how could I ever leave you? Don’t be such a dummy.” I smack his arm affectionately. “I mean, yeah, I was worried about it… hurting. And worried that I might not like it enough. And worried that I might not do it right for you,” I admit, deciding that it’s only fair for the honesty to work both ways. “But there’ll always be some degree of fear that comes with any new experience. And I’m prepared to face all those possibilities. I just want to be with you that way, in a way that makes me yours completely. I’m ready for that, for you. Don’t think I haven’t thought it through beforehand. I always wanted to wait, so that when I did get around to it eventually, it would be with the right guy. The guy that I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

“You’re that guy for me, Paul,” I tell him as I wrap my arms around his waist, looking up at him with a smile, knowing without a doubt that it’s true. There’ll never be anyone else, ever. It’s him, and it always will be. “I love you.”

PAUL

She's finally resting right where she belongs, in my arms, against my chest, her head tucked perfectly under mine while I talk to her. She pulls back enough so that she can look at me while she responds. Her smack catches me off guard as she calls me a dummy. She insists she would never leave me and I can't keep the smile from my face as she tells me she wants to do this with me, she's thought it through, I'm the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with, and she loves me. 

"God, Rach, baby, I love you so much too," I tell her, my voice husky again as I realize that I don't have to hold back, we can do this. Hell, we will do this. And I'll take my time with her. I'll be gentle. And I swear it'll be the most amazing experience she'll ever have. 

But I know I need to address her worries too. And I feel bad that I can't assuage all of them. I can't tell her it won't hurt. I cup her cheek with my hand, tilting her head up so that I can meet her eyes. My eyes look deeply into her. "Rach, I can't promise it won't hurt. I wish I could..." I trail off, feeling almost instantly guilty about the size of all of our wolf parts. "But I promise to be as gentle as I can." I would make it as good for her as I possibly could. "And I promise you'll like it plenty," I teased her with a smirk, "I'll do everything to make this good for you." I leaned closer to her with a grin, "And, Rach, there's nothing you could possibly do that I wouldn't think was amazing." Then my lips pressed to hers. 

"I love you," I murmured against her lips, deepening the kiss, as I wrapped my arms around her waist and lifted her off the ground, carrying her to her bedroom.

RACHEL

He promises to be gentle, to make it a good experience for me. And I don’t doubt him for a second. I know he will. I’m glad he’s not holding back anymore, glad that he’s told me the truth. And I have to say that I’m touched by his concern, putting me first before his own wants and needs. It only makes me love him more, if that’s even possible. Everyone says that Paul’s just a big brute, but nobody knows him the way I do. He never shows this side of him to anyone else, and that in a way makes me feel special. It’s a side of him that I can have all to myself.

He murmurs that he loves me, and I grin against his lips. “You’d better.” I squeal in delight as he picks me up in one swift movement. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I pull his head down closer to mine, kissing him back with a month’s worth of suppressed passion. I reach down and shut the door as we enter the bedroom, locking it even though I doubt we’ll be interrupted. “Now we’re getting somewhere,” I tease him lightly as he lowers me onto my bed, more than a little eager to pick up where we left off the last time.

PAUL

Her happy squeal as I lift her into my arms and carry her into the bedroom, lets me know that I'm doing the right thing with her. Assures me that we both want this. I want her to be totally comfortable, so I'm kinda glad that we're doing this in her space. It'll probably put her more at ease. When she says that I better love her I chuckle softly against her lips. 

She closes and locks the door behind us. And while I'm not worried that either of them will interrupt, after all, if they get home, Jake will hear what's going on up here, and that's something he doesn't want to see of his sister, I'm sure. 

"Now, we're getting somewhere." she teases lightly and I grin. Tonight we're gonna go everywhere. But this time I want to take my time with her. I want to make sure she's as turned on as she can be, to try and make up for the pain that she's sure to feel later. I settle between her legs as I lay her down on the bed. "If anything doesn't feel right, you just let me know, okay?" I don't want to do anything with her between the sheets that would make her uncomfortable, especially uncomfortable with me. I lower my lips back to hers, kissing her lips, neck, collar bone until I feel like I have to be closer, I have to feel her skin against my skin. I pull back and remove both of our shirts and her bra. 

This time I lower my lips to her stomach, letting them explore every inch of her stomach, making my way up to her chest, swirling my tongue around one nipple, before nipping at it playfully, while my hand moves up to knead her other breast.

RACHEL

I can't help the smile that plays on my lips as he tells me to let him know if anything doesn't feel right. "Okay…" I promise, even though right now everything feels right. Paul's usually the type to act first and think later, or not think at all sometimes. But he's always gentle wherever I'm concerned, always putting me first, always looking out for my needs. And it only makes me want to do this even more, knowing that to him as well it's not just sex, it's love. I'm feeling nothing short of ecstatic to have his hands all over me again, his hot skin warming mine. 

His lips travel downwards, leaving a hot trail of kisses in their wake. I let out a low moan of pleasure when his rough hand starts to massage my breast as his mouth finds the other, his tongue teasing my nipple. I throw my head back, my body arching into his, wanting him to take in more of me. I lift my leg up to hook it around his, reveling in the closeness, in his attention, his affection. My hands find their way around to trail my fingers up and down his back as I submit myself to him completely. 

PAUL

Her body arches into mine, pressing every part of her against me. And I love the feeling of her body against mine. I wish we could be this close all the time. I have a feeling that after this, I won't ever want to let her be too far from me. I grinned against her skin as I switched my mouth's attention to her other breast, my hand also switching places. Her body arched closer to mine again as she let out a moan. I groaned against her skin. She had no idea how much that did to me. How much that that simple sound made me want her.   
.   
As she hitched her leg up onto mine. I let out a low moan, pulling her body closer to mine. My lips pulling away from her breasts to find her lips again, giving her a hard, hungry kiss. I kept reminding myself to be gentle with her, to take my time, to not let the animal in me take control. And trying to not just roughly ravage her was taking everything I had. My lips moved down to her neck again as I buried my face in her hair, trying to get myself under control. "I love you," I felt the need to whisper in her ear again. Her leg wrapped more tightly around me. And my hands gripped her more tightly. "Rach, you have no idea what you do to me," I murmured huskily in her ear. Way to state the obvious, I chided myself, as she pressed even closer. When she did, I couldn't keep myself from thrusting forwards despite all the barriers between us. And it was the first time I was a little worried about a girl's reaction to my erection.

RACHEL

I moan again when I feel his mouth fastening over my other nipple, swapping places with his hand. That coupled with the heat of his bare skin against mine ignites my senses, driving them wild. “Oh Paul…” I murmur breathlessly, my body still trying to press itself impossibly close to his. I’ve never felt anything like this before, never ever imagined that something like this could feel so good. So good. And when he finds his way back up to kiss me again, his lips are hot and searing against mine, rough and hungry. But I don’t mind. In fact, I want more. I want the whole deal.

My heart soars when I hear him whisper in my ear that he loves me. It makes me feel special, like I’m the only thing in his world just as he’s the only thing in mine right now. It’s just me and him and nothing, no one else. “I love you too…” I reply, my leg tightening around his, my arms wrapping possessively around his body. I can’t help but grin when he tells me that I have no idea what I do to him. I like that somehow, the fact that I can have such an effect on him, the knowledge that he wants me as badly as I want him. And knowing Paul, probably more. “Mmm… no, I don’t,” I whisper teasingly before leaning into him even more. “Why don’t you show me?”

When he thrusts forwards, I feel the bulge in his pants grinding against me through the fabric of our clothing. A short gasp escapes my lips as I try not to tense up upon feeling the sheer size of him. I’m not having second thoughts. I want this right now, I want to share this with him, to give myself to him. As unrefined as it may sound, this I know is Paul’s domain. I surrender myself to him, happy to let him take charge and knowing that that’s the way he likes things. And since physically is how Paul expresses himself best, I’m aching to experience this with him.

All the same though, I still feel nervous. But because it’s him, I know deep down that it will be all right. It’ll be more than all right. His warmth alone offers me all the reassurance I need. I trust him completely, in this and in everything. My hands move up his back until they come to rest on either side of his face, the tips of my fingers buried in his hair. I pull his face back to mine, crushing my lips against his, shoving my tongue into his mouth and kissing him deeply, almost greedily with a passion I never dreamed I could possess. It silences my nerves for the moment, instead sending a burning desire coursing through my veins once again.

PAUL

She gasps and for a moment I freeze. Maybe this is too much for her. Maybe we shouldn't do this. I know I'm gonna hurt her and I already feel guilty about that. But even as the thought to stop crosses my mind, I know that at this point I can't make myself, unless she tells me to. I just know that I have to take my time. I can't just rush into this. I can't ruin this for her. And I hold on tightly to the knowledge that I won't. I won't let myself. "Relax, baby," I whisper to her. I don't want to have to say that everything will be okay, but I couldn't anyway because she pulls my lips to hers in a searing kiss. One that takes away all of my senses for a moment. And I decide to reassure her with the passion in the kiss and my gentle caresses. And maybe my grinding against her, cancels that out, but I can't resist. 

Her arms tighten around me, pulling me closer to her and I can't resist touching her in her most sensitive spot any longer. My hand trails between our bodies to the button on her jeans. I unbutton them and unzip them in no time my hand rushing inside, snaking past her underwear to stroke her. Hoping she doesn't do anything to stop this. Hoping she's comfortable.

RACHEL

He tells me to relax and just the sound of his voice does that much for me. His voice, and his kiss, and his touch. The heat of his body against mine. I feel like I might just melt into him at any moment. The nerves don’t even return when his hand finds its way down into my pants. I realise then how much I want him there, how I’m yearning for him to touch me and be with me in a way that I’ve never been with anyone before. And the instant I feel his touch, the sensation is so strong that I have to stop myself from climbing up him.

The heat spreading through my body, I find my own hips moving, thrusting myself against him, demanding more. In a bold moment, I reach down and undo his own zipper, freeing the part of him that I’m longing to have inside of me. I murmur his name into his ear, filled with a desire that I’ve only ever felt for him and him alone. 

PAUL

The tone in her voice as she murmurs my name is practically my undoing. It makes me want to forget everything and just ravish her. I'm panting, both from desire and from the work I'm having to put in to restraining myself. I've never in my whole life wanted someone like I want Rachel right now in this moment. All the girls I've been with, I've never felt this desire, this longing. Never this strong. Her hips thrust up to meet my hand and I grin, glad to know that she's wanting this as much as I am. I run my finger over the velvety smooth skin, over her folds. When she thrusts up to meet me again, I let my finger slip inside of her. "You feel amazing," I murmur, my voice laden with desire. 

And then she catches me off guard a little. She reaches out and unfastens my own jeans, freeing me from the denim prison that was becoming almost painful. But her hands move away again. I want her to touch me too. I'm a little worried that maybe she doesn't want to. But this is her first time and she did say she was scared to do the wrong thing with me, so maybe she's afraid to take the risk. I hope that's what it is, or else she might not take this next move well. I gently reach out for her hand, taking it in mine. I lace my fingers with hers, wanting to feel connected for a moment before I lead her hand down to my favorite appendage. My lips are still dancing with hers heatedly as I wrap her hand around me, beginning to move her hand up and down, creating friction. I remove my hand hoping she won't stop. I moan loudly against her lips, into her mouth. Her touch feels beyond amazing. And I'm hoping it'll encourage her to be as bold as she'd like with me.

RACHEL

Another moan escapes my lips when I feel his finger sliding inside me, my walls contracting around him upon feeling the new sensation. Paul has never really had much of a way with words, but just hearing the desire in his voice is enough to drive me crazy all over again. I’m glad I waited. I’m glad I saved myself for him. It wouldn’t have been right, wouldn’t have felt right with anyone but him.

He takes my hand, weaving his fingers with mine briefly before guiding me down to him. I’m apprehensive at first, worried even about the fact that he’s been with women far more experienced than I am. I wouldn’t know what to do, what makes him feel as good as he’s making me feel. But he’s quick to show me, wrapping my hand around him. I’m stunned for a moment by his girth, and how he almost seems to grow larger at my touch. 

But the moment quickly passes as he demonstrates what he wants me to do, his mouth never leaving mine for a second. I start to quicken the pace once his hand leaves mine, thrilled to hear him moan against my lips. I in turn smile against his, glad that it’s not just one-sided, that I can make him feel this way, that I can pleasure him too. 

PAUL

She seems hesitant at first as I place her hand around me. But she takes the lead with almost no problem after my encouraging her. I feel another moan rip from my chest as she increases her speed. I love her so much. I want to spend forever with her. I want to be allowed to be the only man to make love to her forever. I want the privilege of growing old with her. I even start thinking that I might want kids with her too. 

She moans and thrusts against my hand. One of my hands begins to push her jeans down off of her body in a haphazard way. I want to be closer to her. I want to see all of her. I thrust my finger in and out of her at a faster pace, before adding another finger. She helps me push her pants all the way off and then we begin to both start to remove mine. My lips never breaking from hers as I reach up with my thumb to stroke the sensitive bundle of nerves.

RACHEL

A low sound vibrates in my throat when he shoves another finger into me, driving me senseless. I thrust against him even more, feeling my body move as if by its own will. I’m so turned on that I can barely think anymore. All I want is him, that’s all I care about as my own hand slides up and down him, pumping him faster, harder. When I feel him fumbling to push my jeans off, I reach down and help him remove the rest, kicking it off the bed without a care.

And then we work on shoving his off, as quickly as we could with both of us still moving the way we are. I let out a squeal of delight and nearly lurch off the bed when his thumb teases my most sensitive spot. I feel something start to spasm inside me and I find myself panting into his kisses, his name escaping my lips over and over again. I push myself closer against him, with no more barriers between us. Just his skin hot against mine.

PAUL

Now that all of the barriers have been removed between us, I can feel her skin pressing warm against most of mine. And it feels amazing, as her silky smooth skin moves against mine, as our legs rubbed past each other and our chests touch while I kiss her. I can tell that she's getting closer to her climax and I want to taste her before that. My lips leave hers as I trail them down her neck, over her collar bone and continue down her body. As my body moves lower on hers, I am forced to move away from her touch, and I instantly miss her hand around me. 

The truth is that I want her to feel good now, I want her to reach the edge and plummet over it. Just in case the act itself is absent of pleasure for her because of the pain. I'm not exactly sure how it works for girls. 

My mouth reaches her most sensitive spot, and I flick it with my tongue as my fingers continue to work inside of her. I give it a hard kiss before moving my fingers out of her and replacing them with my tongue, my thumb moving up to continue teasing her bundle of nerves.

RACHEL

I miss his lips over mine the instant they pull away to make their way down my neck, but every kiss he leaves along the path down my body ignites a new sensation, pleasant and filled with passion. I start to lose myself as he goes lower, lower, lower, until his mouth finds my secret spot. The feeling of his tongue moving over it with his fingers still buried inside me is better than I could ever imagine. Every stroke drives me closer and closer to the edge. And then his fingers leave my depths, replaced by the heat of his mouth as he begins to work wonders with his tongue.

I bury one hand in his thick hair while the other grips the sheets to keep myself from rising off the bed entirely. I thrust myself shamelessly into his face, moaning in pleasure and begging for more until I feel my walls contract forcefully. Never before did I think that I could experience such wondrous things, but here he is showing me just how much I hadn’t known about my own body until now. It’s primal, almost, but so so fulfilling. I throw my head back and cry out his name once more as I feel an explosion rip through me, hot fluid flowing from my core in sweet release. 

PAUL

She reaches her climax and I lap everything up before pulling away from her. I look up at her, and she has that dazed, half dreamy look in her eyes and on her face. I grin up at her, a half smirk of sorts, for a job well done. At least now I know she enjoyed herself tonight. Because as much as I wish that it wasn't true, I knew the next part would hurt her. And I wasn’t entirely sure for how long. 

I slowly moved back up her body, placing kisses over her skin on my way up, barely able to keep away from her, or her skin for long. "Are you sure you still want to?" I whispered against her ear, chewing on her earlobe. My lips moving to suck on her neck, my hand going down to massage her sensitive spot, to turn her on again, to make sure she was ready. 

"You're amazing," I murmured against her skin. It was the truth. Everything about her was amazing. "I love you, Rach."

RACHEL

I lay back down, feeling spent, but in a good way. But just as soon as the heat passes, he turns it right back on again, trailing kisses all the way back up my body once more. “Mmm…” I wrap my arms around him and tilt my neck for him as he nibbles on my earlobe. He asks me if I still want to, seeking permission, making sure I’m okay with this. And it makes me love him even more, the fact that he’s looking out for my needs, placing my comfort and enjoyment before his own. And I want to do the same for him. I want this to be good for him too. If I know my Paul, it would have taken all his willpower to practice restraint tonight. 

“Yes,” I murmur as I feel him teasing me down there again. “I’m ready, Paul. I want this. I want you.” I know it’s going to hurt. Some of my girlfriends have told me that they felt no pain at all their first time, but I doubt I’ll be that lucky. Especially when Paul is, well, so big. It makes me blush to think about it. But I’ve never been this ready before. I want to give myself to him completely, I want to make myself his, and him mine. I slide my leg up and down his, leaning my cheek into his hair, breathing in his strong, masculine scent. “I love you too…”

PAUL

She says that she wants to, and I'm glad. I mean, I would have stopped, no problem and been grateful for what I'd gotten with her. But the frustration and disappointment would have still been there. I want her so badly. So badly that her leg running over mine makes me moan as does her body pressing closer to mine, her cheek resting against my hair. And I can hardly concentrate since she has agreed and is so close to me. I feel worried about her, about what comes next. "Just bite down on my shoulder," I murmur to her, knowing she couldn't hurt me, but if she actually did it, I could know how much I was hurting her, if it was worth it to continue. 

I reached down and fumbled through my wallet momentarily, looking for the condom I had there. I pulled it out of its hiding place and quickly put it on. Then I went about distracting her. My lips finding what I knew to be the most sensitive spot she had and sucking on it. One hand resting beside her head to hold me up, the other hand finding one of hers and lacing our fingers together. "You're beautiful," I whispered as I took in all of her. Before my lips latched back on to the sensitive spot on her neck as I began to slowly slide into her. She felt so good wrapped tightly around me. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and reminded myself to go slow.

RACHEL

He tells me to bite down on his shoulder, and at first I almost laugh, but then I realise that he’s being serious. I don’t know if I could, no matter how bad it hurt, but I smile at the thought, at how he’s still thinking of me. I raise an eyebrow, wondering about the fact that he carries condoms around in his wallet, but then I feel my nerves start to build up again slightly as I watch him put it on. But almost immediately, he swoops back down and starts sucking on a particularly sensitive spot on my neck, distracting me from my worries. He holds my hand and tells me I’m beautiful, and I love hearing the way he says it. “So are you,” I say teasingly, my eyes slipping closed as his mouth finds that spot on my neck again.

I know he’s trying to distract me, and he’s doing a good job at it, but only just. When he starts to push himself into me, the new penetration causes my eyes fly wide open, the air leaving my lungs in a sudden gasp. I squeeze my hand tightly around his while the other reaches up to cling to him. Wincing at the stabbing pain I dig my fingernails into his back without really thinking about it. He hesitates and I can tell that he’s worried, that he’s afraid of hurting me. But I’m not changing my mind. It hurts, but not enough for me to want him to stop. “I’m okay,” I assure him, breathing heavily. “I’m okay, just give me a minute to get used to it.”

PAUL

Her hand tightens around mine and her other hand moves to cling tightly to my back before her nails dig into the skin. And I feel instantly horrible for causing her so much pain. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe I shouldn't have done this. Maybe I should have told her that I'd spend the rest of my life pleasing her however she wanted, but that this was out of the question. 

But she reassures me that she's okay, and I have to take her word for it. I nod when she asks for a minute to get used to everything. But I know it's only going to hurt more when we proceed and I burrow deeper into her. "I'm sorry," I whispered to her, nuzzling her neck, as I stayed perfectly still inside of her waiting for the go ahead. Because I could tell by the look on her face that she was still wanting to go through with this. And I couldn't deny her anything.

RACHEL

I wish I could say that the feeling of him inside of me is pleasant, but at this very moment, I can’t say that it is. The pain is deep, and would have been unbearable if not for his words of comfort, his breath warm against my neck. He apologises to me, and at first I worry, worry that he might insist on turning back. But to my relief, he doesn’t. Instead he stays perfectly still, waiting for me to say the word. And I’m grateful, grateful that he’s being so sweet, so patient with me. “I love you, Paul,” I murmur as I lean my cheek against him again, trying to steady myself, trying to get used to this foreign feeling.

Once the pain dulls a little, I know that it’s not going to get much better than that. So I kiss his head lightly and squeeze his hand again, probably more for my benefit than for his. I need to know that he’s with me. Which is stupid, considering what we’re doing. Of course he’s with me. But I just want to feel his soothing warmth, not just of his body but of his heart. “I’m all right. Keep going…”

PAUL

She murmurs that she loves me and I grin. "I love you too," I answer her. "I love you more than anything, baby." She squeezes my hand again. And I instinctively know that she's looking for some kind of contact, some kind of comfort that has nothing to do with our bodies joining. So I squeeze her hand back and bring it to my lips, giving it a small kiss before placing it over her head and gently trailing my fingers down her arm to rest on her hip where my fingers draw slow patterns on her skin. 

And then she gives me the go ahead to move again. I nod to her, leaning down to kiss her as I slowly begin to move further in and past her barrier, trying to be as gentle as possible. I again hear her suck in a deep breath and I pause, waiting for her to get her bearings again. When she nods again, I finally thrust the rest of the way forwards, panting heavily at how amazing she feels, how tight she is. But judging by the look on her face, she doesn't want to hear my sounds of selfish pleasure, or anything about how great this feels for me. 

I press my body as close to hers as I can, wanting to give her as much warmth and comfort as I can. Before I pull back and thrust in slowly again.

RACHEL

He seems to know exactly what to do to calm my nerves, and I immediately feel better about this. I draw comfort from the closeness of his body in contact with mine as he pushes himself deeper. I feel something tear, feel the pain grow stronger, and I have to draw another deep breath and hold it there for several seconds. Involuntary tears begin to prick the back of my eyes. “Oh God…” I mutter, biting down hard on my lip. After a few moments, I nod, silently telling him to carry on, and he does. I can hear his heavy panting in my ear, and it makes the pain feel secondary. At least one of us is enjoying this.

Then he pulls himself back and then pushes forward again, and this time it doesn’t seem to hurt as much. Or at least, the pain isn’t biting at me as it was before. I can feel my body adjusting and I try to focus on him, on us. On what this means for us. And then I realise that despite the pain, despite the fact that there’s little pleasure in this right now, oddly enough I actually like the feeling. I like that he’s inside me, like that he’s making me feel… complete. With each slow, patient thrust I find myself becoming less and less aware of the pain, and more and more aware of the fact that we’re finally connecting on a whole new level. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. After a while, my hips start to move with his, slowly at first. I bring my hand to his face and tilt it to mine, capturing his lips in a hot, passionate kiss. 

PAUL

I look down at her when she takes in a sharp breath. "Oh God..." she mutters, biting down on her bottom lip and I see tears forming in the backs of her eyes. I begin to place butterfly kisses all over her face, trying to make this any little bit better for her. Then I gently reach up and rub her chin, freeing her lip from her teeth before she can do any real damage to it. 

After a while the pain seems to subside for her. And slowly but surely she seems to get more into it. Instead of just taking time to adjust and riding out the pain, she's participating. And when she first thrusts up to meet me, I moan from deep in my chest. "Feels so good," I murmur out to her what my brain is able to process beyond her and this act. I want to encourage her to have fun with this, to not be shy with me. And I'm hoping some part of it she might enjoy too. 

After a while, I roll us over the other way, so that she's on top. I want to be able to see her beautiful body. But the new position seems to make her tense up. I reach up and place my hands on her shoulders, rubbing them gently, lowering them to her back with the same gentle, soothing strokes. "Relax, baby," I whisper to her, "It's okay." It doesn't even occur to me that she might feel lost as to what to do.

RACHEL

I feel a sort of thrill go through me when I hear him let out a moan, when he says breathlessly that it feels good. A thrill, because I can make him feel this way. And I have to admit that it’s starting to feel good for me too. The pain is still there, but the exhilaration, the knowledge of what this means for both of us, makes the pain so much more bearable. 

But then he flips us over, and I can’t help but feel a little nervous again. I was comfortable with him taking charge, with him being in control. Now I’m not too sure anymore. But he’s quick to notice, and reaches up to massage my shoulders, releasing the knots in them before letting his hands travel down my back. He tells me to relax and I let out a small laugh, trying to free my own awkward tension. 

And it’s not lost to him, this nervousness of mine. He brings his strong hands down to my hips, guiding me as patiently as he can, though I’m sure it must be driving him crazy. As soon as I’ve gotten myself used to it, I gradually pick up speed, rising up and sinking back down over him repeatedly, letting him fill me and, by doing so, fulfill me. Smiling at the hazy look in his eyes, I bring my lips down to the side of his face, nibbling playfully at his earlobe before trailing them along the bottom of his jaw and down his neck.

PAUL

She laughs softly and I can still tell that she's full of awkward tension. I want to take that away from her so badly. If she's truly uncomfortable, I can take charge again. But for the first time ever where sex is concerned, I don't mind being dominated by her. I don't mind her setting the pace, or being in charge. And I'm trying to make sure that she feels powerful right now. I want her to see sex as something amazing. I want her to see it as an expression of love, one where she can take the lead, she can rule me, one where she can express herself anyway she wants to. 

I move my hands down her back to her hips and guide her for a while, setting a pace that I hope is comfortable for her. Once she seems confident, I let my hands slide down to rest on her knees. My eyes are half closed lazily in a haze that she's creating, as I lay there, staring up at her. She's absolutely gorgeous. She's my goddess. And then she quickens the pace. My hands tighten on her knees as I feel the tension continue to build and I let out another moan. I never knew all of this could feel this amazing with anyone. 

Then she leans over and nibbles on my earlobe and my breathing gets heavier. Her kisses trailing down my cheek and neck as my eyes do slip closed and one hand tangles in her hair and the other moves over her back, holding her body as close to mine as I can manage. I turn my head and pull her lips to mine, kissing her with as much passion as I possess. She begins to raise her body back up and I move with her, not wanting our lips to lose contact. 

We're now sitting with her in my lap. My fingers tug lightly on the ends of her hair as I continue to kiss her. And then my lips move down to her neck, my other hand roaming over her body, massaging her breasts again on the way down her body. My hand finally coming to rest on the bundle of sensitive nerves again, rubbing as my lips stay attached to her neck.

RACHEL

I take in his heady scent as he kisses me so deeply I feel as though he’s my only source of air, as though I wouldn’t be able to breathe without him. I smile dreamily as he brings his lips down to my neck, teasing the spot that I’m now sure he knows as one that drives me wild. As his hand starts to explore down my body again, my own does the same with his, trailing along his shoulder, running down the smooth, hard muscles of his chest.

Then his hand travels south and starts to stimulate me and I feel myself contract again. My hands move up to grab hold of his shoulders, and I shove against him lightly, getting him to lie down again. I press my lips to the side of his face. “You’re mine, Paul Harwood,” I say teasingly, grinning against his skin.

PAUL

She pushes on my chest, urging me down and I oblige her. Truthfully I'd do anything she wanted right now. I loved her so much. She felt so amazing. Anything and everything was acceptable. I lie down on my back, looking up at her again, a grin spreading across my lips. She's so beautiful. And she's unbelievably sexy when she's taking full control. And I grin wider when I realize that she's at least enjoying herself. Maybe not as much as me but we'll work on that. Next time will be better for her. 

"You're mine, Paul Harwood," she said to me teasingly as she kissed the side of my face. I wouldn't have it any other way. "Always," I promise her. I would always be hers in any way she wanted me. Though I had to admit that this way was a winner. My hands moved to feel the skin of her back to pull her small body closer to mine as I continued to massage her most sensitive spot.

RACHEL

I groan slightly as he brings me closer and closer to the edge again. I feel as though my whole body is on fire as my hips start moving faster. I flash him a grin of my own, one that’s less than innocent, one that’s letting him know how turned on I am right now. 

He’s driving me crazy with his touch, his breath hot against my skin. And I know that I would share this experience with no one else but him, that I want him to be the only man to ever make love to me, and from now on I want to be the only woman for him as well. I dive down to kiss him again, my breasts pressing against his chest as I claim his lips. 

PAUL

She grins down at me, a grin that's less than innocent. A grin that makes me grin back. That grin turns me on so much. I hope this isn't the last time that I see it. I want to see that grin at least once a day for the rest of my life. I want to make her feel as amazing as she's making me feel at least once a day for the rest of our lives. Then her lips dive down to find mine again. Her breasts pressing against me. 

I kiss her back, and the kiss lights my world on fire. I slowly pull away from it, nibbling on her bottom lip. "I'm so close, baby," I whisper to her. In fact it's starting to take actual concentration to hold on and wait for her. She's had me so turned on all night. But I'm not about to let her down by finishing before she does. Tonight was never about me. It was always about her. And her pleasure.

RACHEL

I can feel his heavy breath coming erratically as he gently nips at my lower lip. He whispers that he’s close, and that alone is enough to turn me on even more. Ignoring the last prickles of discomfort, I start to ride him harder and wind up panting against his lips myself, his touch in my sensitive area driving me closer and closer as well. 

“Oh…” I breathe as I feel it coming. I grip onto his muscular shoulders as a wild spasm rocks my entire body. It knocks me over and I go soaring, plummeting off the cliff, waiting for him to join me on the other side.

PAUL

I moan as she starts to move against me harder and faster. It feels so amazing. I struggle to keep control. One hand moves to squeeze her hip, gripping it tightly. My other hand still against her most sensitive spot. Her breathing becomes erratic against my skin and I can feel her muscles beginning to clench around me. She takes in a sudden breath and then she's gone, over the edge in the throes of passion. And she looks gorgeous that way. I hold onto her tightly as passion takes control of my own body and I go over the edge with her.

I pant for a moment after my release, trying to catch my breath. My hands moving over her back and into her hair as we both lay there, putting ourselves back together. I wish I had the words to say what I want to say, that she's gorgeous, that she's the only one for me, that she's amazing, that I love her more than anything in the world. Instead I pull her body closer to mine, burying my face in her hair. "Are you okay, baby?" I whispered, wanting to know that I didn't hurt her too badly in the end.

RACHEL

His grip on me tightens and in my own daze I hear his breathing coming faster, see his eyes glaze over, and then he goes over, and I know I’ll always remember this moment. This moment, with both of us finally joined as one, in every way possible.

I collapse against him, completely spent but feeling that this was totally worth it. Worth the wait, worth the pain, to be with him. I cling to him, soaking in his warmth, as I feel his breath against my hair. He asks softly if I’m okay, still thinking about me even now. I smile serenely, eyes still closed as my cheek rests against his skin. “Yeah,” I whisper back, my hand finding his again. “A little sore, but I’m more than okay.”

PAUL

She says that she's sore and I feel guilty about that. I wish there was something that I could do to ease her discomfort, but I know that there's nothing. Nothing that I can do. Except for maybe take all of this back. But one look at her with her eyes half closed, completely spent, and I know I would never want to do that. I would never want to lose tonight, or this memory. I would never want to lose the moment when we came together as one. I loved her, more than life itself. Without her, I'd be nothing. 

"You're amazing," I said to her quietly, stroking her hair. And then I know what I want forever. I want her. "Marry me Rach," I said to her softly. It would make me the happiest man in the world if she said yes. I loved her so much. Nothing could be better

RACHEL

He murmurs once again that I’m amazing, and I chuckle softly. “So are you,” I whisper back, kissing his jaw lightly. Then he says, “Marry me Rach.” 

“Mmhmm…” I snuggle up closer, still in a somewhat dreamy state, half asleep already. Until what he just said to me suddenly sinks in. My eyes shoot open in surprise and I look up at him, certain that I must have heard wrong. “Excuse me?”

PAUL

She says "Mmmhmm" and for a minute I feel my heart soar, I pull her closer, holding her tight. And I'm about to say something else about it, when she says, "Excuse me?!" And it's then that I realize that she didn't really hear me. She had been in a haze when I asked. And while it stings a little that I have to ask again, I feel sure of the answer. We just had sex. She said beforehand that she had been waiting for the man she would spend the rest of her life with. She had said that that man was me. So how could she not say yes. 

I roll us over onto our sides. I caress her cheek and play with her hair. I press my lips to her forehead and then her nose and then lightly to her lips. "Marry me Rach," I repeat again.

RACHEL

I lay on my side watching him closely, wondering what it was that I misheard. I begin to relax when he strokes my cheek and gently leaves a trail of kisses on my face until he reaches my lips. And then he says it again. "Marry me Rach."

I let out a small laugh, but stop the moment I see the look on his face, as if he’s hurt, stung. And my expression falls. “You’re serious?” I blink several times, trying to make sense of this. We make love for the first time, and then two minutes later, while both of us are still sweaty and naked on the bed, he asks me to marry him. How can he not be joking? 

PAUL

She laughs and that makes my heart stop. Does she think this is a joke? Or does she really think so little of me? Does she realize how much better she could do? Does she realize that I'm so much less than she is? I feel like my heart is breaking. I pull away from her just a bit. "Of course I'm serious," I say to her, feeling offended that she has to ask. Have I really made her feel that badly? Does she really doubt that I love her as deeply as I do? Right now I just feel so confused. 

"Rach," I try to talk. I try to formulate what I want to say. "Earlier you said it was what you wanted. To spend the rest of your life with me." I realize too late that that probably made it sound like I was proposing just because she wanted me to.

RACHEL

He says of course he’s serious, and he looks confused, as if he can’t understand why I would even have to ask. I pull my blanket up over myself as I start to sit up slightly, ignoring the soreness working its way up between my legs. He tells me that I was the one who said I want it, to spend the rest of my life with him. And I do, but he makes it sound as if it’s an obligation, something we might as well do now. 

Now it’s my turn to feel stung. I know he’s not big on romance. I know not to expect him to be all Hollywood movie-like and get down on one knee. But I wasn’t expecting it to be like this. I stare down at him incredulously. “So that’s it? I want you, you want me, we just had mind-blowing sex so what do you say we get hitched? Is that what you’re saying?” 

PAUL

I want to kick myself. That had none of the romance that it seemed to have inside my head. I had imagined it as a way to say I love you...and we just said that in the most powerful way that we could. "No," I interject quickly. And then I'm distracted. "It was mind blowing, wasn't it?" I say with a sexy smirk. And before I know what's happening I get the hand to the face again in the form of a smack from my Rach. "Baby," I whine a little, rubbing my jaw. She's pissed. And I hadn't even meant for it to be how she thought it was. 

"Rach," I try again, sitting up and moving closer to her, wrapping my arms around her from behind, pulling her body close between my legs. I kiss her neck lightly. "That's not how I meant it at all," I say, my hands trailing over her stomach and going up to her shoulders. I began to rub her shoulders, to try and work the knots and tension that I had caused out of them. "What I meant was..." I trail off, trying to get my bearings. "That I've loved you, wanted nothing but the best for you since the first time that I saw you. You're my world. You're the first thing I think about in the morning, and the last thing I think about at night, and pretty much the only thing I think about in all the in between times. You're gorgeous. You're amazing. You're everything I'm ever gonna want or need. And what we just did was amazing. And I'm completely honored that you'd let me be your first, that you let me make love to you. Because we both know I'm not always brilliant. And we both know you deserve better. But I'm glad you want me anyway. And I want to spend forever with you because I love you more than anything in the world. I think the 'mind-blowing sex' says that." I pulled her closer. "And I know you want to spend forever with me too. So marry me, Rach. Make me the happiest man in the world and say yes, baby." I pressed a kiss to her neck.

RACHEL

He quickly says no, but the next minute he totally screws himself over. "It was mind blowing, wasn't it?" he says, flashing me a sexy smirk that makes my blood boil. Yes it was. But that doesn’t mean I’m about to let him off the hook. He’s not listening to me. I bring my hand down to smack him in the face. He whines at me, but I’m sure it hurt my hand more than it hurt his face. 

I fold my arm, pouting as he sits up and pulls me into his arms, his legs brushing against mine. He insists that he hadn’t meant it that way, bringing his lips down to my neck and trailing his hands up my body, starting to massage my shoulders again. It feels so good that I have to consciously remind myself that I’m mad at him. "What I meant was..." he trails off, and I don’t think he knows how to dig himself out of this one. “Uh huh. Go on,” I say to him, interested in hearing what bullshit he’s going to come up with.

Then he goes on to be a romantic hero. He tells me that he’s loved me since the first time he saw me, that, that I’m his world, that he’s always thinking about me. He blows me away so completely that if not for the heat of his bare skin against mine, I might even have doubted that this was my Paul. Because let’s face it, he sucks when it comes to words. But tonight he seems to be making up for his blunder by saying all the right things, and I feel my anger start to ebb away in spite of myself. "And I know you want to spend forever with me too,” he says, and of course that’s true. I couldn’t possibly imagine being with anyone else ever again. “So marry me, Rach. Make me the happiest man in the world and say yes, baby." 

And all of a sudden, I’m melting again. I can’t say no to that. “You’re a jerk, you know that Paul?” I scold him, smacking his thigh lightly, but there’s no more hurt or anger left in my voice. “But you’re my jerk.” I bring the same hand up to curl over his shoulder. “Yes… yes, of course I’ll marry you,” I say before turning my face to meet his, kissing his lips softly. And then I pull back for a moment and reach for both his hands, turning them around curiously, inspecting them. “You sure you weren’t reading that out of something?” I ask him, just joking even though I’m not sure I’d really put it past him.

PAUL

I can see her anger fading away as I explain myself to her. She brings her hand down on my thigh as she calls me a big jerk. It would sting, except for the fact that she sounds like she's totally joking. And I can hear that. Then she continues to say that I'm her big jerk. And I grin from ear to ear. I'm hers. She's claiming me. And I love her more than anything. "And you're my angel," I say to her quietly. My angel, who loves to smack me, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Her hand moves up to wrap around me and I lean into her, relishing the feel of her skin and her scent. And then she agrees to marry me. And I want to whoop and jump up and down. Instead I rest both of my hands on her stomach and pull her back as close as I can. I place a soft kiss on her neck, her cheek, her temple and back down again. It's the best feeling in the world to know that she's mine. And that she's taking me to be hers. Out of everyone in the world, she wants me too. This feeling makes me want to make love to her again, but I doubt that she could handle that right now.

I chuckle as she pulls my hands away and asks if I had to read that from somewhere. "No, baby," I tell her, the smile evident in my voice. "I wouldn't need anything to remind me of how I feel about you every day. You're the best thing to ever happen to me."


	7. Here Comes the Boom

RACHEL

It’s been months since that night, when we first made love. And our relationship has only strengthened since then. And for the first time ever, I’ve been beginning to doubt my lifelong dreams, to wonder if maybe I don’t care about them as much as I thought I did, before I found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But then something came up to challenge me. I received a job offer, completely out of the blue, from a businessman I’d met at a conference several weeks ago.

A job offer, in California.

It was like something out of a dream, and at first I wanted to scream yes and hop on the next plane out of here. Until the excitement died down and I realised that things aren’t that simple anymore. I have commitments. To the man I love. And he has commitments to the land we live on, to the people around us. And I felt as if someone had dropped a rock into the pit of my stomach. 

And to make matters worse, Paul has just begun suggesting that we move in together. We are, after all, engaged. And I think, despite the romance he’s been trying to inject into the idea, he’s really eager for the privacy. Not having to snoop around and wait until our families are asleep, getting to be around each other as much and as often as possible. Truth be told, I’m not completely opposed to the idea either.

But now… now I’m not so sure anymore. I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with this. I want him, I know I do, more than anything. But I also want this job and all it has to offer, the independence that it promises, the experience that it offers. I want it all. But both is not an option.

We’ve just had dinner at my place. Dad’s gone over to Charlie’s, and Jake is out on patrol, leaving us both alone again. And I’ve been silently dreading this, because I know what subject Paul’s going to bring up again, and I have no idea how I’m going to approach this at all.

PAUL

Rachel's been stressed out on and off for a few days now. Whatever it is. She won't talk to me about it. She won't tell me what's going on. And part of me is hoping that I'm not making her uncomfortable by suggesting the idea of moving in together. But her not wanting that is kind of silly. She does realize we have to live together eventually if we're getting married, right? Not to mention having her all to myself, would be amazing. All to myself all the time. So that we can do whatever we want whenever we want, so we don't have to pretend like it's something dirty or sinful, a covert operation to sleep together. 

She gets up to clean and I grab her hand, stilling it, as I slide out my chair, pulling her into my lap gently. God, she's gorgeous, I realize again as I gently stroke her hair, pushing it out of her face. And I'm momentarily distracted by the fact that the house is empty. My lips latching onto her neck, my hand rubbing her thigh gently. When she starts to respond, I remember her recent behavior. And while this would be so fun, so amazing, and very stress relieving, I need her to talk to me. I pull away slowly, reluctantly. "Rach, baby," I say quietly, "You've been off for a few days now. I know something’s wrong. Something’s got you stressed out. Is it all this talk of moving in together? Because I want to live with you Rach," I tell her gently, "But I don't want to pressure you, or make you uncomfortable."

RACHEL

He stops me from moving into the kitchen to start cleaning up, instead pulling me down to rest against him. I close my eyes for an instant as I let myself get swept away by his gentle caresses, his lips teasing my neck. I reach up to wrap my arms around him, leaning in closer, wanting to lose myself in the physical comfort that he’s offering. That is, until he starts to pull away, snapping me out of my reverie. He comments about my mood lately, tells me that he knows something’s stressing me out. And now I can’t avoid talking about it.

He asks me if it’s about us moving in together and I shake my head. “Yes… no… I mean, I don’t know.” I groan in frustration as I move away from him, throwing my hands up in the air. And then I realise that I’m taking it out on him and immediately apologise, “I’m sorry, honey.” Then I take a deep breath and try to pull myself back together again. “Paul… what if I told you that… this isn’t enough for me?” I ask him quietly, dreading having to see the hurt look on his face. “That… oh God this is hard… I used to have dreams, Paul. I used to have ambitions.”

PAUL

It feels like I've been slapped in the face. What if this isn't enough for her? Is she saying that I'm not enough? How could fate be so cruel? How could fate give me everything I would ever want and then have it tell me that I wasn't good enough for her? Was this some kind of sick karmic joke? Was she about to leave me? Forever? Leave me hollow? What was she trying to say? What did she want? Or was it more innocent than that? She was telling me basically that she wanted more. That could mean anything. Anything. And then I wonder if she's panicking because she feels like she's losing everything.

What could possibly make her feel like she's losing everything? She's seemed so happy lately with us, with me. "Are you pregnant?" I blurt out at her, that being the only thing that I could imagine her seeing as taking her life away.

RACHEL

I stare at him blankly for a moment. “What? What— no!” I exclaim, wondering what gave him that idea. “No, no of course I’m not.” I quickly make that clear. I haven’t even considered anything like that happening anytime soon. I mean, as mature as he is for his age, I don’t think my 17-year-old boyfriend… no, fiancé, is ready to be a father. And I’m not ready to be a mother, I’m not ready to settle down like that. 

Oh God I have a 17-year-old fiancé. 

“I just…” Okay, how am I going to deal with this, how am I going to explain any of this without breaking his heart? Not that I want to leave him. I don’t. I never want to leave him, ever. But could I really live with having given up such an amazing opportunity? Would it mean that I’d have to be content with this and nothing more? Would I be resigning myself once and for all to the same kind of domestic lifestyle that Rebecca chose for herself? Do I not get to choose anymore? 

“I got a job offer, Paul,” I say at last, my eyes downcast. And he seems happy to hear it at first, happy for me. And that makes me feel even worse. Maybe I just want to hear him tell me to stay. Maybe I just want to reaffirm what we have, to know that at the end of the day, it would all be worth it. That what we have is more important to me than any old dream. I take a deep breath and brace myself for his reaction. “In California.”

PAUL

She splutters out that she's not pregnant. And though I could never reject her, or any part of her. I know I'm not ready for that yet. Though one day I may be. And I feel more relaxed. I feel like the tension I didn't even know I had was leaving my body. I take a step closer to her, not liking that she's freaking out like this. What could have her so worried, other than a baby? She's not regretting the engagement, is she? I reach out and put my hand to her cheek, cupping it. My eyes asking for the truth. 

Then she continues on to tell me that she got a job offer. I can't keep the smile from my face. That's amazing news! She finally got what she's been looking for since I met her. Why is she so worried about telling me that? Why would she be afraid of me not being happy for her? I want to tell her this is good news, to relax, but then she says it. It's in California. 

My hand slips from her cheek. I back away from her slowly. It's in California. "What?" I say. She repeats herself. It's in California. She can't be serious. California? I don't even understand. But then the look on her face makes it all clear. She's leaving me. She's gonna take the job in California. That’s what she was trying to tell me earlier. That I wasn't enough for her. That she wanted better. She wanted more. "You're going aren't you?" I can't even describe the betrayal that I feel in words.

RACHEL

I feel hollow the instant I feel his hand sliding off my cheek. He looks stung, hurt, and impossibly upset. He stares at me as if he’s having trouble trying to let it sink in, like maybe I’m just pulling his leg. But I’m not. Why would I fool around about something so important, something that could change our lives completely? I wish I hadn’t received this offer, then I would never have known what I was missing, or what I could potentially be missing. But I know that that’s just fool’s talk. Sooner or later, something else would have come along to tell me the same thing, to remind me about all the things I’d set my eyes on before meeting Paul.

He immediately jumps to the conclusion that I’m going. Leaving. Leaving him. “No, no…” I shake my head quickly. I wouldn’t make a decision like that so rashly, not without discussing it first. “I haven’t decided anything yet. I wanted to talk to you about it first…” And I try. To talk to him, to tell him how I feel, to explain to him why I feel so torn. “It’s… an amazing opportunity, Paul, it’s…” But the look in his eyes causes me to fall silent. It’s like I’ve already turned my back on him. The accusation in them makes me look away, to avoid his penetrating gaze.

PAUL

She says that she hasn't decided anything yet. But I can't feel that that's true. And it doesn't matter if she's decided or not. It's evident that she's thought about it. Thought that maybe some amazing job opportunity in California is better than a life here with me. Which hurts so deeply. Because I could never think anything was better than a life with her. I could never want anything or anyone else. And because it makes our whole relationship a lie. When she said that she was waiting for the right guy to come along. When she said that she wanted to spend her life with me. As I look at her, I feel like I don't know her at all. 

I just stare at her for a long moment, a wall coming up. I had to try not to feel anything for her. I was going to lose her. And it would be easier to hate her, pretend not to care, than it would be to be all gushy and miss her as she left. In my final show of emotion, my hand rested on the back of the chair and then flung it across the room to the floor with a clatter. When I turned to face her again, my face was completely emotionless and expressionless. 

"Go. Stay. It doesn't really matter does it," I said, my tone cold. Either way she'd be leaving me. If she stayed she would always resent me for holding her back. For keeping her from it. Then I said something hateful. The cruelest thing that I could think of. I just wanted her to feel how I felt. Completely destroyed and abandoned by the person that was supposed to be everything for me. "Besides it's not like I can't live without you. It's not like you're that important. I could even find someone better in bed. You won't even go down on me." I winced inwardly. That was so cruel. I knew she had insecurities with our sexual life. And I always told her she was amazing. And I truly thought she was. But I wanted her to feel as shattered as me.

RACHEL

He’s just staring at me. Silently. And I don’t dare to speak, to make a sound, because I have no idea what he’s thinking. No. No, that’s not true. I can at least guess what’s going on in his head. He thinks I want to leave him. He thinks I’m ready to discard him now that this new door has opened up for me. And I want to tell him that it’s not true, that I want to make this work. Somehow. I don’t know how. I just want to have a life with him while still being able to pursue my dreams. I take a deep breath and try to start again. To talk this over. “Paul–” 

But before I can say another word, he picks up the chair in front of him and sends it flying across the room. I jump back at his show of aggression, flinching as the wood splinters across the floor. I expect him to start yelling. To shout at me, to growl. But when he turns to look at me again, his face is devoid of emotion. Nothing of the gentle nature he’d been showing me just minutes ago remains to be seen. And when he speaks, his tone is icy. I’ve never heard him use such a tone before, not with me.

He says that it doesn’t matter if I stay or go, and I’m not sure what he means. What he’s trying to say. But then he goes on to elaborate and I wish he hadn’t. I wish he’d just stopped there and walked away. I swear my heart stops for a moment when he tells me that he can live without me. That I’m not that important to him, like he is to me. And that hurts, because that’s the only reason I’ve spent so long debating this whole thing with myself, because I love him, because he means so much to me.

But he doesn’t even stop there. He goes on. He smirks that he could find someone better in bed. “You won’t even go down on me,” he says pointedly. My mouth opens. And closes. And opens again. So that’s what he really thinks. All those times we talked about it, all those times I worried that I wasn’t good enough and he told me that I was more than good enough. All the ‘amazings’, all the ‘beautifuls’. They were all lies. Just because he was stuck with me. Because he didn’t have a choice.

My lower lip starts to quiver and I have to bite down hard on it to get it to stop. It bleeds. I feel the tears sting the back of my eyes, but I refuse to shed them. I refuse to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. If I’m not important to him, then so be it. I’m not going to beg. I nod mutely at first, not trusting myself to speak without breaking down. After several moments, I swallow hard and finally say to him quietly, having to struggle to keep my voice from cracking, “I’m sorry I haven’t been good enough for you. I’m sorry I’ve been such an unpleasant burden. You should have told me. I would have given you a way out.”

Slowly, I raise my eyes to meet his, and they’re so cold that I want to run away from them, to not have to look at them and yearn for what I used to see there. “I’ll give you one now.” I walk out of the kitchen and make for the front door, reaching for the doorknob and holding it open for him with a shaky hand. “I’ll send in my resignation letter tomorrow, then catch the first flight out. Take care, Paul.”

PAUL

As soon as I see the impact that my words have had, I wish I could take them back. They did exactly what I thought I wanted them to, but now that I can see and hear the outcome, I just wanna take it all back. I want to tell her that I do still love her, that she is still the most important thing to me, that she is amazing and beautiful. I want to tell her that I'm a complete ass, and that she had to forgive me. But then I remember why I said them in the first place and my hands that had relaxed moments ago, clench into fists again. She's leaving me. She got a job offer in California, and that was more important than me. 

I glower at her, as I stalk towards the door, holding her gaze with a hard one of my own as I walked out of the door feeling completely unforgiving. I hoped she did leave. And I hoped that she never looked back, or that she never realized what she had here was better because I didn't want to play her bullshit, I love you until something better comes along, game.


	8. Forgiveness Song

RACHEL

He left that night. He walked out that door, leaving me with nothing but the torturous memory of the hatred and betrayal in his eyes. I closed the door quietly and sank to the floor, the tears I’d refused to cry in front of him spilling forth relentlessly. Dad came home a while later and was shocked to see the broken chair. But he knew before I said anything that it was Paul. I told him half the story, that I’d gotten a job offer in California, and he connected the dots himself and figured out the other half. He understood when I told him that I had to go, that without Paul there was really no reason for me to not take this opportunity.

I packed up that night itself. When Jake came home early the next morning, I told him of my plans, and he was shocked, and a little upset. I knew that my little brother missed having me and Rebecca around all those years we were away, and he liked that we were a family again. But I couldn’t stay and face Paul anymore. He held me close as I cried for a while. And then I promised Jake that I’d stay in touch as much as I could. He reluctantly said goodbye.

It’s been three months now, since I came here. And as much as the job has been wonderful, Paul’s absence in my life has been far too profound. I still think of him every day and I still hear his cruel words every night before I go to bed. I’ve tried to throw myself into my work, to distract myself as much as I can. I want to rediscover my independence, to make something of my life again, to not have to be defined by some guy who never really cared. Not because he wanted to anyway.

So dating has been out of the question. Even though I can’t go back to him, I still love Paul too much. And I’m too afraid to let anyone else in, to let something like this happen all over again. I couldn’t deal with it a second time. Lately, though, I’ve been getting subtle advances from my colleague, Jim. He asked me out once, and I declined, but since then he’s been sending me flowers, chocolates, stuffed animals with little notes stuck on them asking me to give him a chance. I can’t deny that he’s incredibly nice, incredibly sweet. Not to mention good-looking. And even though I don’t feel anything romantic for him, he’s making it hard to ignore. Every time I get something from him, I can’t resist a smile.

I sit on the couch one evening with a pink teddy bear on my lap, one I’d just received from him today. I read the heart-shaped note again. To a very special lady, from the geek around the corner. Maybe I should give him a chance. After all, what else is there for me? Paul’s out of my life for good now. Am I supposed to shut myself off to all guys forever, not give myself a chance to be happy? But just the thought of Paul makes me sigh sadly. Maybe I’ll never be able to move on. Maybe I should tell Jim to find someone else, instead of letting him carry on, giving him false hope.

PAUL

I walked out the door that night. And I would say that I didn't look back, but that would be a lie. I stood on the porch, my fists clenched, just absolutely fuming at what she'd done. At her betrayal. She had jumped at the chance to leave me. She always said she loved me. She always said that I was good enough. And I gave her plenty of chances to leave. Hell, I'd said myself from the beginning that she deserved better. That I wasn't good for anyone. And maybe I still wasn't. But Rachel had been good for me. She had been my everything. I had never felt love so great for anyone before. I had never felt like the sun rose and set with someone before. I had never once had the inkling of an urge to stay in bed with a girl that I was sleeping with, let alone stay up and just watch her breathe because she was perfect in every way. And she had said she felt the same. But the first chance that a better offer came, she jumped at the chance to get away, at the chance to leave me, to abandon what we had spent a while building and we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives continuing to build and supporting. I just felt empty, discarded, as I stood there, tears beginning to prick my own eyes. 

My fists unclenched as the fight, the will to do anything left my body. I walked over to the door silently and rested my hands against the wood. And then I heard the worst sound ever. She was crying. Rough, dry, hacking sobs on the other side. I wanted so badly to knock. To go back in. To scoop her up. To take it all back, say I was sorry, to make everything right between us again to beg her to stay with me, to tell her that I could be better, I would do anything. I loved her. But then I imagined her saying she was leaving me again and instead I turned and ran into the woods, bursting into a wolf, letting out a howl of both anger and pain. 

I heard Seth's annoyingly chipper thoughts almost immediately. And I attacked him. We tussled and fought until Sam commanded me to let the little guy go. I begrudged him his happiness though. I didn't want anyone to be happy if I wasn't. 

That's when the trouble began. I had to run patrols alone most times. Or with Sam or Jared or both because I couldn't stand anyone else. And even the two of them were hard to handle with their imprint thoughts. All I could think about was Rachel and I hated it. What was Rachel doing right now? Was she okay? Was she safe? Everything in me screamed to know. But I couldn't. I couldn't swallow my pride enough to talk to her or call her. And Jacob and I had had more than one fight over me bad mouthing his sister. But it was all true. She had left me. She was a heartless bitch. But the truth of it was that I didn't believe it. Not really. I was just hurt and angry. 

I did everything I could to get over her. To try and pretend like Rachel had never existed. I got in fights. I pushed myself to my wolf limits. I drank a lot more. I avoided people especially Jake. And then there was the parade of girls. But no matter how many girls I got under I couldn't get over Rachel. I just couldn't forget her. 

It had been months now and Sam had had enough. He had told me that I had to suck it up. That I had to stop being half a man. That I needed to go to her. That I needed to at least get proper closure if she wouldn't take me back, which I was pretty sure she wouldn't, why would she? And he told me to take as long as I needed. 

That's how I found myself on the doorstep of an address that I had to beg from Jake. One that he had had to even be ordered to give me. I raised and lowered my fist more times than I would like to admit before I committed to the knock. And then I had to wait. I only hoped there wouldn't be some other man on the other side when the door opened.

RACHEL

I hear a knock on the door and that surprises me. I rarely have visitors, much less at this time in the evening. I glance down at myself – a worn pair of shorts, an oversized T-shirt, and fuzzy bedroom slippers. Well, what do you expect when you go to someone’s house this late? I put the stuffed bear down on the couch and get up just as the person knocks again. “I’m coming, I’m coming,” I call to whoever's out there as I stride to the door. And then I look through the peephole and my jaw drops. I must be hallucinating. I must be dreaming.

Slowly, I pull the door open and see that, surely enough, he’s standing there. Paul. The man I love. My heart leaps to my throat as I stare at him, stunned. What is he doing here? Did he come to taunt me? To tell me about his wonderful new girlfriend and his improved sex life? The mere thought of it makes me want to disappear. Deep down, I want him happy. I do. And I was willing to sacrifice my own happiness for his, for him to be free of whatever it was that bound him so begrudgingly to me. But I really don’t want to know the details. And even if he were only here to say hi and ask to be friends, I don’t think I could manage that. I can’t just be friends with him, not when I still love him, and probably always will. 

Or does he want me back? Has he changed his mind? Why would he? Because he couldn’t find someone else? Because whatever magic that goes on in our little world gives him no choice? Because he has an obligation towards me? I don’t want to be an obligation. I don’t want to hamper his freedom. I don’t want him to do anything against his own will. I don’t want him to force himself to be with me when he made it clear to me before that he doesn’t really want me, or love me.

Either way, I can’t face him. Not in the flesh. Not when he’s going to say hurtful, hateful things again. Not when I’ll have to face his rejection again. Not when I know that, deep down, the love of my life never loved me back, not really. No, I’d rather pine in solitude. Without saying a word, I quietly shut the door.

PAUL

I was surprised when she started to close the door on me. And honestly I didn't blame her. I'd probably slam the door in my face too. But I needed her. I needed to talk to her at least. If she was happier here, or with someone else, then I would be forced to let her be. But if there was any way that she could forgive me, that she could love me again, then that is what I wanted. More than anything. 

"Wait," I said, barely catching the door before it closed. I looked at her through the crack that was left, not wanting to invite myself in, impose on her space. Not if she didn't want me there. "Can we talk, Rach, please?" Right now I missed her too much to care about any pride, I would get down on my hands and knees and beg if she wanted.

RACHEL

I’m already turning away when the door gets jammed. Well, it doesn’t get jammed, I realise as I turn back again. Paul’s got his hand on it, holding it open. He asks if we can talk. And there is so much to talk about, yet I’m not sure if I want to talk about it. I don’t know how to talk to him anymore, afraid of the kind of reaction he’ll give to whatever I say. But he’s looking at me with such imploring eyes that I can’t turn him away.

I nod silently as I open the door wider to let him in. Once inside, I gesture towards the long couch for him to sit before lowering myself into the one-seater. I realise a moment later that he’s sitting right next to the pink bear, but I don’t bother moving it. He’s already seen it, and either way, what should it matter? Up till now I still haven’t said a word, unsure of what to say as I wait for him to speak and voice his reason for coming.

PAUL

She nods, agreeing to let me in, opening the door wide enough for my large frame. I pause when I'm standing in front of her. Our bodies are so close. I want to reach down and touch her. I want to hold her. I want to kiss her. I want her to just know that I didn't mean it. That I was hurt and scared and I lashed out in the cruelest way possible. But that I didn't mean it. I couldn't mean it. I loved her. I always would. With every ounce of my being. But instead I looked down at her and held her gaze as long as she would let me before she glanced away.

I walked to the living room and sat down on the couch. Hoping she would join me. But she didn't. She kept her distance, kept the distance between us. She sat across the way in the one seater. And I felt the blow. She was hurt, upset, angry with me. She wouldn't even sit next to me. She probably didn't trust me either. I felt the frown falling over my lips. And as I looked around her apartment, I saw things. Things I couldn't see from the doorway. Like the flowers on the kitchen counter. Roses. Not beat up, rained on wildflowers. And the pink teddy bear next to me. I picked up the soft stuffed animal and turned it over in my hands, finding the note. I read it over and over. She had found somebody else, someone who treated her better than I did. Obviously. I blinked rapidly against the tears that were forming in my eyes.

"Is he serious?" I asked her, barely choking it out.

RACHEL

I feel my stomach twist into knots as I watch him pick up the teddy bear and read the attached note. An awkward silence hangs in the air as his eyes remain fixed on Jim’s neat, tidy handwriting. When he finally tears his gaze away from the note to look up again, he looks like he’s close to tears. He asks if he’s serious. And at first I want to quickly make things clear, that he’s just a colleague with a thing for me. A colleague whose feelings I don’t return. “He’s–”

But then I stop myself. Why should I have to explain? So what if Jim’s just a colleague? And what if he isn’t? So what if he likes me? Why should Paul care anyway, what’s it to him? I shake my head and look away, my eyes drifting downwards to look at my hands as they rest stiffly on my lap. “What are you doing here, Paul?” I ask him softly, feeling every word grate against my throat. I don’t resent him. And I don’t want to fight with him. But seeing him again is killing me. Why is he doing this to me?

PAUL

"He's--" she begins to explain and then stops. Why does she stop? I feel a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. This guy means something and she doesn't know how to say it. I feel awful. I feel like I truly am losing everything, including my reason for living. I can't be without her, but she can be with someone else. I take a deep breath and look over at her. I'm trying to decide if she looks happy. Is she happy here? With him? The idea makes me burn with anger. But if the answer is yes, well, then it's my own fault that she found him, and I wouldn't do anything to stop it. Because that's all I want, for her to be happy.

Then she demand to know what I'm doing here. "I needed to see you," I tell her honestly. "I couldn't stay away." I can't bring myself to say I love you, nor to beg for forgiveness. Especially to if she's already chosen someone else. So instead I ask, "Are you happy?"

RACHEL

I feel my heart constrict painfully in my chest when I hear his answer. He needed to see me. Needed. He couldn’t stay away. Couldn’t. I was right. It was never about love for him. It was always about this stupid, warped fantasy world we live in. He was never in this by choice. Even now, he’s only asking if I’m happy because he feels that he’s compelled to, he feels obligated to me in some way. 

And I can’t hold onto this cool, calm façade anymore. The tears fill my eyes and start to roll down my cheeks, and I hate that he’ll have the satisfaction of seeing me cry, that he’ll see how much it hurts me to know that he’s never really loved me. Why couldn’t he have left me with just half a fairytale to cling onto? Why come here and shatter everything that was beautiful about what we shared? 

I get to my feet and point towards the front door. “Get out,” I choke out at him. He looks stunned, like he hadn’t seen this coming. “Get the hell out of my house. I never want to see you again for as long as I live.”

PAUL

Almost the instant that I speak there's tears in her eyes. Tears that I don't understand. Maybe she's not happy. Maybe this guy isn't good to her. Maybe I said something stupid. I don't know, but I can't handle the tears. I stand up, walking across the room towards her. I know she may hate me right now. And I know things between us aren't any good right now. But I can't just sit there and let her cry. "Rach," I say quietly, wanting some kind of okay from her to hold her, to comfort her, to wipe away her tears, to listen while she explained why she was crying them in the first place. But I didn't get that.

What I did get, caught me completely off guard. She rose to her feet and yelled at me, telling me to get out. I felt crushed, completely. But I couldn't go. I couldn't walk away. I couldn't leave her like this. And she couldn't exactly make me leave. "I can't do that, Rach," I said to her firmly. I moved towards her, reaching out to wipe her cheeks. "Why? What happened? What did I say?"

RACHEL

I flinch when he moves closer, saying that he can’t do what I’m telling him to, can’t go away. Can’t. He can’t. It’s not that he doesn’t want to. He just can’t. I wish I could break the spell, to set him free, to not have to feel like a bloody obligation. When he reaches out to touch my face, I take a step away from him, folding my arms across my chest. I don’t want him to touch me. I’m sick of living a lie.

He asks what happened, what it was that he said that I’m upset about. And the tears refuse to stop. “I’m not some puppy you ran over on the street, Paul. You don’t have to feel bad for not taking care of me.” I don’t think he understands. But I know now that it’s how he feels, and I hate it. I’d rather not know the truth. I’d rather live forever not knowing. “I’m sorry this, this thing has stripped you of your willpower,” I say, biting out the word ‘thing’ like it’s a dirty word. It is. Imprinting. It’s a lie. It’s a burden. 

“Break it. Kill it. Talk to my dad, the elders. There has to be a way, just do whatever it takes, I don’t care. Take your life back, I don’t want it.” I know he wants to come towards me so I step back again. “Don’t. Please, just leave. I want you to leave.”

PAUL

She steps away from me. She won't let me touch her. I want to just know the magic words. The words to say that make it all right, that take away the hurt and the pain and the stupid things that I did. The words to make it all go away. The words that will make her love me again in this deeply immovable way that I love her. But I'm not even sure they exist. She tells me why she's sad. And she has it all wrong. I don't feel obligated to take care of her. I suppose in its basest form that's what it is. But that's not what it is to me. That’s not how it feels. It feels like she's my everything. Like I love her in a without you I can't breathe kind of way. But she thinks that I'm only here because I have to be. I want to correct her. Maybe that one simple correction could take all of the pain away.

But then she does it. She calls it a thing. She calls our bond a thing. She says thing like it's a dirty word, like she detests it. Like she hates it with every fiber of her being. And that stings, like a thousand needles all over my skin. She's calling our special, fairytale bond a thing. Our perfectness for each other is a thing. Does that mean that she thinks I'm a thing? It feels like she's rejecting me and everything I am.

So when she asks me to go, I'm torn, I'm angry, I don't know what to do. Part of me feels like if she feels that way about me then maybe it's best if I do go, let her be as free as she can be. Live in misery. But the other part of me wants to tell her that it's not an obligation, wants to reassure her and hold her. "I don't want to lose you, Rach," I say to her, catching her before she can pull away and pulling her to my chest. "I know I said some things that I didn't mean...but I don't want to lose this bond." I then look down at her. "But if you really don't want me anymore...if you think I'm a thing..." I can't even say out loud that I'd let her go, the idea is too painful to even suggest again.

RACHEL

I struggle against him the moment I feel his hands on me, pulling me closer to him. I don’t want to feel everything I’ve lost. He tells me that he doesn’t want to lose me. A lie. A blatant lie. He wanted someone better, he was happy to be rid of me until he realised that he literally needs to be with me. “No. No, Paul. You want to lose me,” I say to him, my heart breaking all over again. “You just can’t.”

“I wanted to make it work. I thought we could, somehow. But you wouldn’t even hear me out. You just jumped at the opportunity for a way out. You were ready to brush me aside.” It sounds like I’m throwing accusations at him, and maybe that’s what it is. But I gave him my heart, and he took it and smashed it. My tears slide down so relentlessly that I have to hide my face from him, covering it with my hands, my shoulders shaking with sobs. I want him to go away, to leave me alone so that I don’t have to look at him and ache for the man I love.

PAUL

When she says that I want to lose her and just can't. I can't hold back the tears in my own eyes anymore. Did I really do such a poor job the whole time we were together of showing her that she was my everything? Did she really think that I was trying to run out on her? That I was taking the first bump in the road, trying to turn it into an excuse to leave her?

"No," I tell her forcefully. I want her to know that I mean it. She thinks that I wanted to brush her aside, that I jumped at the opportunity for a way out. When to me it appeared to be the other way around. "That’s not what happened," I argue with her, shaking my head, pulling away, but not letting her go. "You had already decided. You wanted to come here. You didn't even want to include me in any of it. We were engaged. And you just made this huge decision. This decision to leave me. You knew I couldn't come. You knew if you did this, we'd be over. And you chose this." I didn't want to admit that I had always felt like I wasn't enough. Like part of me knew that this was coming. Like I knew I wouldn't be good enough for her when it was all said and done.

RACHEL

He insists that I’ve got it wrong, that that’s not how it happened. I see the tears in his eyes and have to look away. I can’t bear the sight of those tears. He says it was all because of me. He says that I was the one who gave up on us and decided to come to California. I stare at him in disbelief when he accuses me of not wanting to include him in any of it. Something he knows is far from the truth. I tried to talk to him. I tried to share my feelings with him, to figure something out. Maybe we would’ve had to be apart for a while, do a long-distance thing. Maybe, being a woman, I just wanted him to tell me that he wanted me to stay. But I never wanted to lose what we had, I never wanted to lose him.

“That is not true, and that is not fair. If that was the case then I wouldn’t have mulled over it for days, I would’ve just picked up and left. But I didn’t, because I couldn’t bear to leave you. I tried to talk to you. I wanted to discuss it with you. But did you give me a chance to speak? No, of course not. You had to respond by flinging a chair across the room.” Memories from that night hit me again and I hear a repeat of his cold, harsh, cruel words. I wasn’t that important to him, he could live without me, he could find someone better. 

But what are we doing here? Arguing. Playing the blame game. And for what? What good will any of this do either of us? Who cares anymore who did what, who drove who away? At the end of the day, all it really was was a hurdle that our relationship wasn’t strong enough to survive. The relationship that I thought was unbreakable, just him and me, made for each other, tied to one another by gravity, was not strong enough. 

I feel my shoulders fall slack. This is all too much, too painful. “Every day,” I whisper, my voice thick with emotion, my eyes fixed on a point behind his shoulders. I’m afraid to look into his eyes and bare my soul to him. Again. I can’t, not after what he did with it the last time. “I haven’t stopped thinking about you, every day. Every minute, every second. But I just can’t do this. I can’t force you into something that you’re only going to resent. I can’t be the one to deny you your freedom by holding you prisoner. It was never about California, Paul.”

PAUL

She says that it was never about California. She says that I rejected her. She says that she had tried to talk to me. And now I feel so stupid. Stupid for assuming off the bat that she was trying to say that she was leaving me. Stupid for thinking that she would just cast me aside, pick something else over me. But to me that's what it was about. It was always about California to me. California and how she had weighed everything we had against California, and California had won. So maybe it was mostly about the rejection, but to me that involved nothing other than California.

"To me it was always about California," I say to her quietly. "It was always about how some job in California seemed better to you than us, and our future. Maybe I was pigheaded." Okay, so not maybe. I definitely was. "And I should have listened to you. But after you said California. I couldn't think. I love you so much Rach and the thought of you leaving just completely killed me. And I just, I couldn't see how you could even consider it. Because I could have never considered anything that would have put me that far from you."

I hate that I've put such raw, pained emotion in her voice. I pull her closer again. "I think about you everyday too. Every second of every day. Not because I can't live without you. But because I don't even want to entertain the possibility. You are everything. I could never resent you for being you, or for being mine, or for being with me."

My eyes fall again then on the flowers. "But I don't ever want to hold you back. And I know that I should have come to that conclusion sooner, but it's true. I don't. I don't want to be the reason that you don't get your dreams. So if you're happy here. Or with someone else..."

RACHEL

He says he doesn’t feel the same, that to him it was always about California, and what he thought was my desire to leave him. And if I put myself in his shoes, I guess I could understand where he’s coming from. To him it wouldn’t make sense to even consider an option that involves leaving me. But it was hard, hard for me to forget that I ever had bigger dreams for my life, my career, even though I was going through the happiest time in my life with him. 

He pulls me close again, and while at first I stiffen, a moment later I’m sinking into him, the warmth that I’ve missed so much over the last few agonising months. He tells me that he’s been thinking about me too. And my heart skips a bit at the conviction in his voice as he says that it’s not just because he can’t live without me, it’s not just because he doesn’t have a choice. 

But then his voice drops down a level when he says that he doesn’t want to be the one to hold me back. “So if you're happy here. Or with someone else...” I look up at him and see the sadness in his eyes. He loves me. He does love me. I shake my head quietly, knowing that he’s thinking about the bear, the note, the roses. “He’s just a colleague with a crush. He’s a little persistent, but I told him from the start that I just wasn’t interested. I haven’t been seeing anyone. I couldn’t be with anyone else, Paul, because I still love you. I haven’t stopped loving you.”

PAUL

At first when I pull her closer, her whole body goes stiff. And I hate that I've put those feelings of mistrust there at all. I hate that she feels she has to fear anything from me. I hate that I've let any doubt ever seep into her mind. I want her to always only think of me as someone she can count on. Of being with me as somewhere safe. I want her to feel comfort in my embrace, not fear. But after a moment she relaxes, she melts into me. And I hold her tighter. As tightly as I feel I can get away with.

When she explains the roses and the bear and the note, I feel tension leave my body. I feel myself relax. It's good to know that she isn't seeing anyone. And maybe it's selfish of me, but I like knowing that it was just as hard for her to forget about me as it was for me to forget about her. I like knowing that she couldn't move on. Even to a guy who is so obviously smitten, and nice, and romantic, and everything I'm not. I like that.

"I love you too," I tell her again, because it's the most true and easy thing that I could say in the whole entire world. I did love her. I loved her too. I loved her more than anything. I leaned down and lightly pressed my lips to hers. I didn't know if the gesture would be welcomed, but I couldn't resist. The kiss didn't last for more than a few seconds before I pulled away. "So... what now?"

I knew we had to talk about us. About logistics. About if she still wanted this. If she still wanted the job. I knew we had to talk about how everything would work out, but part of me wished that just for tonight, we could ignore all of that and just be Paul and Rachel.

RACHEL

My heart skips a beat. He loves me too. I’ve gone three months without seeing him, doubting him for every time he ever said those words to me. But hearing him say it again, it couldn’t have sounded more real, more sincere. Did we really just spend the last three months torturing ourselves over a stupid misunderstanding? He plants a light kiss on my lips, and I realise then that I still have nagging doubts, I still have uncertainties. About us, about how he feels about me, what he thinks of me. But I know it has to take time, I can’t expect it to work like magic, even though I want it to.

A moment later, he asks me a question that I don’t know how to answer. What now? Where do we go from here? “I… don’t know,” I admit quietly. But he can’t stay here. And I don’t think we’ll be able to handle long-distance now, after so long apart. Does it really all boil down to just one option? “I guess… I guess I’ll go with you. I’ll go home with you.” I say that with a heavy heart. I’ve come to love my job. It kept me going all these months without him. But all the same, I love him more. And this time, I don’t want to end up making the same mistake.

PAUL

I smile slightly when she says that she'll come home with me. To be honest I want nothing more. I want to whisk her back home. I know home. I know how things work there. I know what happens there. And truthfully I don't want to lose the wolf part of myself. But there must be somewhere I could phase every so often. And I know that the others will call if they need me. If there's an emergency at home, I'm only a few hours away by run.

"No," I say to her quietly shaking my head. "I can't ask you to do that." I pull her closer to me. "I told you that I didn't want to hold you back anymore, or make you unhappy." It's so unlike me to give up anything, especially if it involves my comfort zone. But that's how much I love this girl I'd give up everything for her. I'd move to Mars with her if she asked me to. "I talked to Sam. He said he can spare me as long as I need. He'll call if there's an emergency at home. So I'll stay here." I wonder if she'll let me stay here, or if I have to go find a hotel nearby.

RACHEL

He surprises me by saying no. I frown slightly. What does that mean? He just said told me he loves me, but he doesn’t want me to go home with him? Is there really another way, or am I missing something? But then he says that he’ll stay and my heart soars. “Oh Paul…” I’ve already cried so much, I don’t want to cry anymore, but the happy tears stream down my face regardless. 

I thought it was really over, I thought we were over. But now we’ve got a second chance. I smile up at him, but I’m still hesitant. About his willingness to do this, when I know he never wanted to leave his home, his responsibility. “Are you sure about this?” I ask him. But the look on his face says it all. My own arms slip around his waist as I hug him back.

PAUL

She asks me if I'm sure and I can't help but give a small smile at how considerate she's being. "I'm positive," I say as her body completely relaxes into mine and her arms wrap around my waist, holding me back. And everything in my world feels perfect again. I have my Rachel back. My perfect match. I pull her as close as is possible. I lean down and kiss her forehead, her cheeks, her nose, her lips. I can't stop wanting to touch her hair, her cheek, the small of her back. I breath in her scent deeply and my soul finally feels at peace, no longer restless. I want to just hold her close to me all night. Placing soft kisses on her lips. Just talking about whatever she wanted to talk about.

"Things have been quiet back home lately," I tell her, trying to make her feel less guilty about stealing me away. "So I'm not needed. I'm just yours for now." My hand brushed her shirt out of the way, my thumb rubbing the small of her back. For once I probably didn't mean it in a sexual way, I just wanted to touch her, to feel her, to feel that connection and electricity.

I glanced at the clock. It was late. And she had work tomorrow. "We should probably get you to bed," I said to her.

RACHEL

I smile as he kisses me, gently, making me feel special, loved. And I’m glad to hear that he can stay, that he’s all mine, at least for now. But the full implications of those words don’t quite sink in until I feel his hand slipping under my shirt, his thumb drawing circles on my back. Almost immediately I feel myself tense again, remembering that even though he made me feel amazing, I couldn’t make him feel the same way. 

I’m grateful when he mentions bed, which, given the time, hopefully is as innocent as it sounds. I reach around and gently take his hand, carefully lifting it off my back. “Yeah, probably should,” I say with a smile. Then it occurs to me that bed for me means bed for him too. And even though I want nothing more than to snuggle up close to him tonight, I’m afraid to ruin what we’ve only just managed to reclaim. I don’t want to put him off again. So soon. Or ever. “I’ll, uhm, go dig out some blankets for you.”

I hate that he won’t be sharing mine. I hate giving him the couch. I don’t want him to feel like he’s a guest. And frankly, he’s so warm, he doesn’t need blankets. But I don’t want him to be uncomfortable. Even though this in itself might make him feel that way. I don’t know. Well he needs a pillow at least.

PAUL

She agrees that it's bed time. But she is apparently going to put me on the couch which is a little disappointing. I want to have time with her, even if that time is just the two of us curled up in bed together. Me holding her while she sleeps. But I know I can't push. She's just only taken me back. I can't push the limits. I nod. "I'll help you," I say to her, managing a small smile to silently tell her this is okay. I follow her down the hallway, enjoying watching her backside as we go to the linen closet. When I see her struggling to reach something off the top shelf, I place my hand on her hip and whisper in her ear. "Let me." I want to pull her back against me. I want to kiss her neck. But if I have to sleep on the couch then I don't think I get any make out privileges either. So instead I press close to her as I lean over her to reach the pillow and blanket. And then I pull away. I move into the living room, setting the things on the couch.

Then I turn to her, holding my hand out. "Come on, baby," I say to her. She looks a little hesitant. "I just wanna tuck you in, okay? Kiss you goodnight. And then I'll come right back out here."

RACHEL

For a moment, when I feel his large hand on my hip, his breath on my neck, I worry about what’s going through his mind. But to my relief, he simply offers to help me grab the extra pillow and blanket off the top shelf. I feel my breath catch in my throat as I feel the heat of his body pressed against me. I’ve missed him so badly. But I don’t care how much he says he loves me, I just don’t think I could handle the rejection again.

So when he extends a hand to me after putting the stuff down on the couch, I can’t help but hesitate, wonder what he wants, what he’s hoping for, good as his intentions are. But he assures me that he just wants to tuck me in, kiss me goodnight, and I can’t say that I haven’t been craving that all these months. I finally have him back, and I want that. I do. The tension melts into a smile as I reach out and place my hand in his. 

PAUL

I smile back as a relaxed, easy smile comes to her lips. I'm glad that she's beginning to accept me. Even if just a little. I know I was mean and hateful. So I know it'll take a while to make everything right again. I know she won't just jump into my arms. But I'd be lying if I said that I didn't hope that the imprint wouldn't help the acceptance come sooner. I close my hand over hers. Giving it a small squeeze. My thumb running over the back of it as I lead her towards the room that I assume is her bedroom.

"Rach, I can't explain to you how sorry I am," I say to her, feeling the need to spend forever apologizing for how I've behaved. I go over to the bed, throwing the extra throw pillows off and pulling back the covers for her.

RACHEL

His apology makes me want to tear down all the boundaries, but I can’t say that it fixes things completely. I can’t say that it can undo all the hurt, or remove all the doubt. A part of me is afraid that there’ll always be that nagging voice in my head telling me that he doesn’t really want me, that I’ll never truly satisfy him, make him happy. I’m afraid that nothing he says is going to change that. And I don’t want it to be that way, I don’t want that to come between us. But maybe I need to sleep on it. Maybe I’ll feel differently tomorrow.

I take a seat on my bed, shaking my head at him. “I’m sorry too,” I tell him sincerely. It’s not fair to make this all his fault. The truth is that I hurt him too. And just like him, I was too proud to take a step back. “It took the both of us to screw things up.”

PAUL

She says that she's sorry too. She tries to take some of the blame. And maybe she has a point, but I don't see it that way. I don't want to put that on her. After all I was the one who said all of the hateful things. I was the one that didn't take two seconds to listen to what she was really saying. I was the one that assumed she was leaving me. All of my pain was because of my pigheaded assumption. I kneel down in front of her and cup her face in my hands. I try to keep it light, so I say to her with a small grin. "Please let me take this one...at least make it 60/40 my fault." Then I said sincerely. "I should have just listened to you when you tried to talk to me. I just heard California. And assumed you wouldn't mention it unless you were going. And the thought of you so far away. It hurt so bad, I didn't know what to do. I wondered what I'd done wrong. And then I was scared to know, so I just wanted to make it your fault. But none of it was your fault. It was always mine. Mine and my insecurities."

I looked her in the eye. "But I'm never going to let you down like that again baby," I promise her, giving her a light kiss. "I'll always try to listen. From now on." I had to do better by her.


	9. Come Back to Bed

RACHEL

It’s been several days since Paul first showed up, and I can’t deny that I haven’t felt this happy in months. His presence has made me feel whole again, and while a part of me still feels guilty for keeping him away from his duties, he’s always reassuring me that it’s okay, that in case of anything he’s just a phone call away. And selfishly, I want to keep it that way for a while longer. After all, I’ve never truly had him to myself until now.

But at the same time, I can’t say that everything has been perfect. I sometimes feel like I haven’t been fair to him, wanting him all to myself yet making him sleep on the couch. But I’m worried about changing the dynamics now, knowing that I can’t truly satisfy him the way other girls surely have. It makes me burn with jealousy sometimes, but at others it’s just a reminder of my own inadequacy.

This evening, though, I woke up in the middle of the night to find him sleeping on the floor, at the foot of my bed. And immediately I felt rotten. He wants to be close to me, and all I’ve done is keep him at arm’s length. And he’s been so patient – not once has he complained. I smile to myself, watching his chest rise and fall with every breath, listening to his snores. Then I reach down and tap him lightly on the shoulder. “Hey, come on, get up here,” I tell him softly.

PAUL

In the middle of the night, I couldn't stay away any longer, so I had crept into her room and laid down on the floor. I had to be closer to her. I had to know she was okay. And for a while, I just watched her sleep. She was so beautiful. And I watched her, making sure she was breathing until I couldn't fight sleep any longer.

I felt a hand on my bare shoulder. But at first I thought I imagined it. When I peeked my eyes open, I saw her leaning down over me, inviting me to join her in the bed. I didn't want to look a gift horse in the mouth, but I wanted her to be sure. "Are you sure?" I asked her. "The floor’s fine, really."

RACHEL

I grin when he asks if I’m sure. I guess to be honest, I’m not entirely sure. But I’m sure about him, and I’m sure about having him with me. I give his arm a little tug that doesn’t move him any. “Come off it, I don’t want your drool all over my carpet,” I tease him. When he gets in beside me I lean over and kiss him lightly on the lips. “Now tell me this isn’t more comfortable?”

PAUL

I grin when she insists that I join her and honestly I don't mind if I do. I slide into bed next to her, thinking that I'll get comfortable and maybe just hold her. But then she kisses me and asks me if this isn't more comfortable. And my sleep addled brain sees this as an invitation. I give her a whisper soft kiss back before saying. "I think we could be more comfortable." Now I'm not saying that I see this as an invitation to the promised land. But I'm sure it's a cue that it's okay to make out a little, maybe touch a little. Which, sure, would leave me in pain later, but I didn't care. I just wanted to be close to Rach.

I pulled her closer. One hand pressing flat against her back, massaging it, and the other, stroking her cheek, keeping eye contact with her the whole time. One of my legs slid between both of hers and I nuzzled her neck gently, trying not to test her limits too much. But if she was okay with this, I didn't know if I could resist. "Comfy?" I asked, breathing in her scent deeply.

RACHEL

As he pulls me closer to him, I’m instantly swept away by his warmth. I knew all along that I’ve been missing this, but only now do I realise just how much. My breathing quickens when his smoldering eyes hold my gaze, his leg slipping between mine like it belongs there. I tilt my head slightly as he nuzzles my neck, his touch sending shockwaves through my system. He asks me if I’m comfy, and without thinking, I let my arm slip around his larger frame, my fingers getting buried in his hair. “Mmhmm…” I murmur softly as my foot plays with his. 

PAUL

Her foot plays with mine and her hand buries itself in my hair and I can't help but let out a happy moan, my lips spreading in a grin. This feels right, us being close. This is the first time since I was last with her that anything with a woman felt this electric, this amazing, this rewarding. And all she was really doing was running her fingers through my hair. I couldn't resist trying to be closer to her. My lips moved over her neck and down her collarbone as my hand slid under her shirt. "I've missed you," I whispered against her skin. "I love you."

RACHEL

I find myself being robbed of my breath when his lips travel along my neck, down to tease that sensitive spot on my collarbone. I dig my fingers into his hair and move his head slightly, directing him to exactly where I want him. The simple gesture of having the warmth of his hand gliding over my bare skin is the most amazing feeling I’ve had in ages.

He whispers that he’s missed me, and I tell him the same. I’ve missed him, ached for him every single moment of the day for the last few months. And I like the thought that he’s been feeling that way too. But then something triggers in my mind, a memory, words I’ve been hearing in my head every night since he first said them as he walked out of my house. Then he whispers that he loves me and my heart constricts in my chest. No. He loves me. This is okay. I press myself closer against him. This is okay.

PAUL

I let her guide me to the spot where she wants me. I'd go anywhere and do anything for this girl. Anything she wanted, anything she said, anything she asked for. She grips on to me tighter and I grin. I can't believe that I was once so willing to let her go. I will never even let her think of leaving me again. I'll chase her to the ends of the Earth to keep her.

She presses closer to me and I groan, feeling my body react to her. "I'm never letting you go again," I say to her softly. I want to take my time with her, to try and romance her. But it's been so long and I crave her so badly. My hand moves between our bodies to rub circles against her most sensitive bundle of nerves through her underwear.

RACHEL

I gasp slightly when I feel him react to me. Tears sting my eyes unbidden, my calm crumbling out of nowhere. What am I doing? I can’t do this. I can’t lead him into this only to wind up disappointing him. I don’t know how to live with being all that he really needs, but less than he truly wants. 

And then he reaches down between us, touching me through my underwear, causing my lower body to jerk away. I draw a sharp intake of breath as every muscle in my body tenses up, any bit of pleasure overridden by the knowledge that it’s not enough. My arms tighten around him still, but this time I’m choking back on my sobs.

PAUL

When I touch her, I don't get the response I'm used to. She doesn't melt into me. Or moan. Or tell me she needs me, or wants me. She jerks her body away from me. My first reaction is to whisper in her ear for her to relax. It has been a while. Maybe she was startled. But it hasn't been so long that she should have forgotten how amazing we are together. But then I feel her body tense and she's shaking a little.

I pull away from her. But I don't come face to face with what I'm expecting. This isn't my happy, sexy, turned on Rachel. This just isn't right. She's crying. And not just like I missed you tears or something. She's crying big crocodile tears. And I don't understand. I don't know how things went so wrong. The hand that had been trying to pleasure her, instead comes up to rest on her cheek and wipe her tears.

"Baby," I say to her softly. "What’s wrong?" My eyes are questioning, confused.

RACHEL

He asks me what’s wrong and I bury my face in the crook of his neck, gasping for air between sobs. Suddenly in his embrace I feel so small, so inadequate. What if what he said before was true? That sex with me isn’t fulfilling enough for him? Even though it was nothing but amazing for me? I’ve never been that way with any guy other than him, and I don’t intend to. So how would I know what’s good enough for a man like Paul, whom I want more than anything to please? With all these nagging insecurities plaguing my mind, I’m not even sure if I ever really want to have sex again. But if I don’t, then I’ll lose him all over again. And I just can’t lose him.

“I’m sorry, Paul,” I sob against his neck, my body shaking as I cry and lose all control of myself. “I can’t. I can’t, I’m sorry…”

PAUL

All the desire of moments before completely dissipates as I watch my beautiful Rachel cry and fall apart. My arms wrap around her tightly, as I try to soothe her with calming words. But they don't seem to do any good. And I don't know what to do. I want to make things right for her, but I don't even know what's wrong. And then I panic slightly as I wonder if something bad has happened to her. Has someone taken advantage of her here? While I was being too pigheaded to protect her? Or worse? Has she been raped? I don't want to even think about anyone ever violating my baby girl.

"Rach," I whisper as I stroke her hair, "Tell me what's wrong baby....what happened?" I have to know to fix it at all, and seeing her like this, god, I want to fix it.

RACHEL

I fight back a fresh wave of tears. He asks me what’s wrong, but how can I tell him? How can I tell him when I know it’ll only make him jump to the wrong conclusions, like when we broke up? Or worse, drive him away completely? This is Paul, after all, and I know him. I'm not sure if I can count on his understanding, not with something like this. What if our relationship can’t survive a failed sex life? 

I sniffle as I shake my head and hastily reach up to wipe my tears away. “Nothing,” I lie, even though we both know that’s hardly the case. I fumble with my words trying to produce a lame excuse. “Nothing, I’m just… I’m really tired, I just want to sleep, okay? I’ve… got an early meeting tomorrow.”

PAUL

She sniffles and takes more ragged breaths. And then she lies to me. She says that nothing is wrong. And then it hits me how badly I've messed everything up. She doesn't trust me enough to tell me the truth. And I suppose that I can't blame her. I did after all jump to all the wrong conclusions the last time she tried to be honest with me.

She pulls back and I help her dry her tears. I don't know how to say it so that she'll believe it. But the truth is that I would give anything to make this right and that I love her so much, that she's perfect in every way and that I'm never going to let her go. And that I'm gonna do everything in my power to prove it all to her.

I nod. "Okay, baby," I kiss her forehead and rub her back. "Just go to sleep." I added in a whisper. "And one day I'll prove to you that you can trust me with whatever's happened."

RACHEL

That was all that was said that night, nothing more. The next day I could feel him constantly watching me, as if silently asking for some sort of explanation for what happened last night. But I had none to give. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him what was making me feel so insecure when telling him would make me lose him. Not that this situation is any better. It’ll only be a matter of time before his frustration reaches its limits. And I don’t know what I’m going to do then. 

It’s the weekend and I finally have some time off, real and proper, to be with him. Only now I’m not too sure I’m comfortable with having this much free time to spend with him. Alone. “It’s a gorgeous day out,” I point out after breakfast. The sunlight streams through the window and falls over his bare shoulders. Granted, it would be a gorgeous day in too. I decide to be safe and suggest an option that leaves sex out of the question without keeping me from spending quality time with him. “Would you like to go for a walk with me?”

PAUL

I watch her putter around the kitchen. The sun shining in on her seems to make her glow. She's so beautiful. I want nothing more than to pull her into my lap and kiss her. And perhaps either persuade her to go to the bedroom, or even better, persuade her to branch out to new locations. I'm about to tell her I love her, which I've been saying to her a lot lately, mostly because I don't want her to ever doubt it again. But she suggests a walk. And I'm not complaining per se. I love spending time with her, but I miss her. Her body. And I know I have to pay my dues. Though it doesn't slip my attention that the last time we walked was when our relationship was in the beginning. I nod and agree. "Just let me throw on some clothes." I get up and give her a peck on the lips before heading towards what I now call our room.

We walk the streets and head towards a park. I take her hand in mine as we talk and I can feel that it's slightly clammy in mine. And Rachel's never been that nervous around me as far back as I can remember. "Baby..." I begin, not sure how to broach the subject of the distance I feel between us. "I think we need to talk..." And I pull her towards a bench.

RACHEL

It’s nice, walking with him and just having him close, feeling his warmth. And it’s enough, for now. It feels safe. He, this, feels safe. I wonder what he’d say if he knew that I’d rather just walk with him, like this, forever. Does love really have to be more than that? Yeah, right, he’d probably make a quick run for it and that’ll be the end of everything. Again.

So when he suggests that we should talk, I feel myself stiffen. I’ve been dreading this talk. Maybe this is it. Maybe he’s finally had enough. Maybe he’s frustrated and… I try to act normal as I lower myself onto the bench, still holding his hand, afraid that if I let go I’ll be letting go for good. “Yeah?” I ask him, pretending I don’t know what’s most likely to be on his mind right now. 

PAUL

She gets tense before sitting down with me. And that's what I wanna talk about. It seems like she can talk to me about anything. So long as it has to do with work, or something else superficial. She shies away from talk about us, about the future. And she shies away from spending too much time alone with me. And she rarely seems completely comfortable with being in my arms anymore. She's still holding my hand and I squeeze hers. "I love you, Rach, you have to know that," I tell her. I'm not sure how she'll feel about this talk, but I want her to know that I'm not leaving her or anything like that.

"You just...you don't seem comfortable with me anymore..." I don't really know how to have this conversation. I just know it needs to be had.

RACHEL

He begins by telling me that he loves me, that I have to know that, and I feel my heart sink. This is going to be one of those ‘I love you, but…’ conversations. I swallow hard, anticipating the worst. And then he tells me what’s on his mind, which I can’t blame him for. I’m not completely at ease with him anymore, as much as I want to be. For one thing, there’s this physical aspect of it, which I don’t want to go into with him. And then there’s the fact that I’m afraid of being too open with him, in case I push his limits again.

I look down at the ground, avoiding his questioning gaze. “What do you mean?” I ask quietly, as if I really am that ignorant of his meaning. “That’s not true…” I say feebly, which is itself untrue and we both know it. But what can I say? I don’t want to lose him again.

PAUL

It's so painful to watch her pull away from me again. I can't stand that she looks to the ground scared. I want her to look to me when she's scared. Not the ground. She looks away and then she tells more lies. And we both know that they're lies.

I reach out and turn her chin up so that she's looking me in the eyes. "Like that," I say quietly. I brush my thumb over her cheek. I decide to leave the physical aspects out of this. Because as much as I want to get laid. It's not my top priority. Making sure she's taken care of and happy is. "It just seems like you don't talk to me like you used to," I take a deep breath, "and I know most of that is my fault. I know you don't know if you can trust me or not again. But you can, baby. And I want to be here for you. I want to know all the things you're thinking. All the things you're worried about. And I know there's so much you're keeping from me. I just want to make things better for you, even if all I can do is lighten your load by sharing the burden." I knew I couldn't solve all of her problems, but I wanted her to talk to me about them.

RACHEL

He points out that I’m doing it again and I blush slightly having to meet his eyes and know that he sees right through me. He’s been all too aware that I haven’t been able to really talk to him anymore. Not about things that really matter. And I feel terribly guilty, because that’s not how a real relationship should be. It shouldn’t be based on lies, shouldn’t be laced with insecurities. He should be allowed to know what I’m thinking, and I should be allowed to know what he’s thinking. That’s what I’ve always wanted from the start. But things have changed.

I look into his eyes, feeling nervous. I know I can’t avoid confessing the truth anymore, but after the last time he got me to tell him what was bugging me, I can’t help but be worried about how he’ll react. “You’re not going to like it,” I say, biting my lip slightly. “The truth is… well, the truth is I’ve been…” Damn, I don’t even know how to word this without sounding stupid. I love everything about being with him except the sex? And technically that’s not even true. It’s just that I hate the fact that he doesn’t feel the same way that I do about being with him. That way.

“I guess I just feel that… I’m not good enough, you know,” I admit, playing with our fingers, trying to distract myself. “I’ve never been with any other guy the way I have with you, and I know I never will because for me, everything’s perfect. At least, it was. I felt that it was.” I feel my blush deepen, talking about this. “It’s just that I worry that I’m, kind of, well, a turn-off to you. When we’re together. Physically. That I just don’t… satisfy you enough.” Okay, now I’m downright embarrassed. But it’s what he said, and there has to have been some basis of truth in it for him to have even said it in the first place. I quickly look away again. This wasn’t what I had in mind when I suggested a walk in the park. “I’m sorry, I know it’s dumb…”

PAUL

She's stammering on her words. She's having trouble saying what she wants to say. And for a second I feel panic set in. Is she going to tell me that she was wrong? That she can't make this work. That she doesn't forgive me. That she wants me to leave. That I've messed up so badly that I can't be forgiven. This can't be made right. Things can't go back, or forward, or in any way work out for us. And I know for a moment I look confused and crushed and empty, just at the mere thought.

And then she does talk. She says that she doesn't feel like she's good enough. She tells me all about her insecurities and fears. And I feel like a failure for having ever let them set in. I never want her to doubt anything in our relationship. Least of all any part of our physical relationship. Or her sexual prowess. She's the only woman who could ever leave me begging for more. The only woman I've ever wanted more than a physical relationship with. And then she says it's stupid and I don't want her to think so. I want her to never feel like she's too afraid to talk to me.

I stroke her cheek and tuck a few stray strands of hair behind her ear. But the truth is that I have no idea what to say to truly make this right again. I don't know how to quell her fears other than to show her. And I know that that's out of the question. So I start easy. "Don't ever think anything you feel is stupid. I always want you to talk to me about anything and everything." I'm still not sure where she even got this idea in her head. I shake my head. "But if anyone's not good enough here, it's me. I should have never let you feel that way. And not just because of magic or imprinting, not because of the pull. But because I love you. And you are the most amazing woman I've ever been with. No one can compare. You are everything that I've ever wanted. That I’ll ever want."

I'm not sure what could fix this. But maybe she has an idea.

RACHEL

He says the most flattering things that make me blush. And he says them so sincerely as if he means every single word. I want to believe him, more than anything. But I’m not sure how to keep my insecurities of nagging at the back of my mind. “You’re just saying that,” I say with a tiny smile, nudging him playfully. 

But the smile quickly turns into a frown again. I realise that I have to get this off my chest. “Before you left that night, you said…” I bite my lip, unsure of how to continue without sounding stupid. Even though he doesn’t want me to feel that way, but I just do somehow. It feels kind of silly to me even, because I’ve always prided myself in being able to hold my own. And now here I am all nervous and insecure about my love life. “I mean, you must have thought it to have been able to say it. I don’t blame you or anything, Paul. I just… I want to know the truth, all right?”

PAUL

It's when she says that that the harsh words that I said to her that night come back to me. I had made everything we shared sound small and unsatisfying. I had said she was less than other girls. I had led her to believe she was replaceable when she wasn't. She was everything good in my world. She was the best I would ever have. I shake my head before putting it in my hands, knowing that I've failed her so greatly once again. I've let her down so badly that she doubts herself and that is the last thing that I want.

I look back up at her. "Rach. I didn't mean any of those things. I was just hurt, mad, upset, and I wanted to say the meanest things that I could. I wanted to hurt you as much as I could." I move a little closer to her on the bench. "It was hateful and dumb of me to say those things to you. But the truth is that being with you is the most gratifying experience I've ever had. And I wouldn't want to change a thing. And I wouldn't ever want anyone else."

RACHEL

He lowers his head into his hands and suddenly it feels as though he’s the one who really needs comforting. I reach out and gently place a hand on his back, peering down at him. When he finally looks up at me again, I can see the guilt and regret reflected in his dark eyes. He insists that he never meant any of the things he said, that he just wanted to hurt me. And a part of me flinches at the fact that he could be so hateful, so mean, so spiteful to me. But the other still manages to feel relieved. Almost.

“You really mean that?” I ask him, the edges of my lips curving upwards in the beginnings of a smile. He may be a bit of a brute, but I guess if he wasn’t, then he wouldn’t be my Paul. “You’re not just saying that to make me feel better, are you?”

PAUL

"Absolutely not," I say to her. "I really do mean that with everything that I have. Everything that I am." I hug her close to me. "I'm really sorry to have ever given you any doubts about us." I kiss her temple. "I'll try hard to be better in the future. To be what you really need."

My hand rubs her back gently. "I just want to work on us now. I want us to get to the point where you trust me and feel comfortable with me again. And I'm not even talking about our physical relationship. I just want us to work," I tell her honestly. "But I need you to try and work with me on this. Okay?"

RACHEL

He denies it with such conviction that I just have to believe him. I let him wrap his arms around me, pulling me close, promising to try hard to be better. Even though that wasn’t what I was worried about to begin with. I knew he was trying hard to be good for me, and he really was. I just worried that I was the one who fell short.

I nod against his shoulder when he says that he needs me to help him with this. I’m so relieved that he’s not upset with me for feeling this way, that he’s not just picking up and taking off. He wants to make us work again, and so do I. “Okay,” I agree, hugging him back as tightly as I can. “I’d like that. I’d really like that.”


	10. Hey...Emily?

PAUL

It had been weeks since our conversation in the park. And Rachel was slowly but surely letting me back in. She was at least talking to me openly about things. And that openness had been working to our advantage in the physical department too. But I never pushed her. I never pushed her boundaries. I wanted her to feel completely comfortable with everything we did. And she talked to me about that too. She talked to me about all her fears and insecurities, when they came up. And I felt miserable for making her feel this way. But I was doing everything that I could to make it right, to make her comfortable.

However, today, when I came home from a run, I emptied my pockets on the kitchen counter, and when I heard the shower running, I couldn't help but join her. I knew it might make her scared or mad, but I wasn't going to push still. "Rach, I'm home," I called out, not wanting to completely scare her. I began to strip out of all of my clothes on the way to the bathroom, shedding my socks and boxers outside of the tub.

"Hey, baby," I said, as I climbed in with her. She started to protest, but I shook my head. I placed my finger to her lips. "Shhh...it's okay," I say to her. In truth I'm just hoping she can handle the two of us being like this with each other, even if all I get to do is wash her hair.

RACHEL

Things between me and Paul have been getting better over the last few weeks. At first it was hard to shake the apprehension, but he’s been patient, more patient than I’ve ever seen him. He listens and tries to understand, and it’s just been good, working through this slowly, not having to feel any pressure. I go to work every morning feeling refreshed, and come home looking forward to seeing him again.

Just like today, only he’s not home when I get back today, which he usually is. I figure he’s probably gone out for a run, so I take the chance to hop into the shower and get clean before getting around to preparing dinner. I’ve only been in for two minutes when I hear him call out for me. “Hi honey, I’m in the shower!” I call back, shampooing my hair a little faster, eager to get out and see him.

But then I hear him come into the bathroom, seeing his silhouette through the shower curtains. And suddenly he’s pulled them back, climbing into the shower with me, greeting me perfectly casually. My jaw drops in sheer surprise. “Hey, wha– excuse me, what do you think you’re–” He presses a finger to my lips, cutting me off as he moves closer. I let out a short laugh in spite of myself, splashing some water at him.

PAUL

She starts to question what I'm doing here and I grin at her. "I'm washing your hair," I answer her with a straight face. I know she won't take that seriously. But it's the truth. I just want to be close to her. And god she's gorgeous. And she looks even hotter under the water.

When she laughs and splashes water at me. I grin and chuckle. I like that she's being playful with me. And she seems to be comfortable. I would splash her back, but I lack the water flow. So instead I reach out and tickle her sides in retaliation.

RACHEL

I burst out laughing when he says that he’s washing my hair. Very funny. “Oh, are you now?” I play along, raising an eyebrow at him. And then without warning, he attacks me. With tickles. I try to keep a straight face and not give in to them, but it doesn’t take long for him to break me. I squirm against him, trying without much success to grab hold of his hands and pry them off me. “S-s-stop! Pauuuul…!” I squeal, giggling hysterically as the water splashes everywhere.

PAUL

She doesn't believe me when I say that I'm going to wash her hair. I continue to tickle her until she's out of breath from laughter. And then I stop and pull her close, leaning down to kiss her lips lightly. "You're gorgeous, Rach," I tell her. That may cross some boundary. But I can't stop thinking it. So I feel the need to tell her.

I grin at her as I pull away, not wanting to make anything too heavy. "So where's your girly shampoo," I tease her as I search for the bottle.

RACHEL

He tells me I’m gorgeous and I can’t help but smirk at him. “Hmm… so are you,” I say to him, grinning as he pulls away from me. I laugh when he starts looking for my girly shampoo. And true to form, I smack him in the arm. “It’s peach and apricot,” I tell him with a pout. Then I pick up the bottle and hold it out to him before pointing at my hair. “Get on with it, caveman,” I tease him back.

PAUL

She smacks my arm and I smirk. I know I should hate it when she smacks me, but I don't. I love it. Because somehow I know it's a weird way she has for showing her affection. And it always makes me wonder if she'd like it rough or not. She certainly likes to be rough with me, either way. I laugh when she corrects me. "Is that why you smell so delicious all the time?" I tease as I take the bottle from her. I love that she doesn't believe me. And I love that she doesn't think that getting your hair washed can be sensual.

I take the bottle from her and gently put her back under the flow of the water, making sure that her hair is wet. And then I lead her back out of the flow of water again. I make sure I have enough shampoo in my hands before I begin to massage it into her scalp, standing just close enough that we can feel the presence of each other's bodies, but we aren't quite touching. I'm itching to kiss her neck.

RACHEL

I close my eyes and tilt my head back in a smile as his hands begin to work the shampoo into my hair. It feels so amazing. “Mmm…” I murmur as I take a small step back, edging just a little closer to him. I can feel the heat radiating off his body, bathing mine. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this purely comfortable with him. Funny that it has to be in a shower.

“Not bad for a caveman,” I tease him with a grin, my hand reaching down to slide along his thigh. “Now you’re just spoiling me.”

PAUL

I begin to rinse the shampoo out of her hair when she teases me that I'm not doing bad for a caveman. I let out a small chuckle before I feel her hand run over my thigh. God it feels so good. So much better than anything that I've gotten the past few months without her. I try at the last second to stifle the groan of pleasure that comes out. Because I'm not sure if that is what she wants. Hell it may have just been a blissful accident.

Then she jokes that I'm spoiling her. "Always," I tell her sincerely, softly.

RACHEL

The half-stifled groan that escapes his lips doesn’t slip my attention. It gives me a small piece of confidence. I smile when he whispers to me, “Always.” I don’t doubt that. At least, I don’t think I do. Not anymore. Over the last few weeks, he’s done nothing but try to prove that much to me. And I don’t really need that, I don’t need him to spoil me. I just need him, and knowing that is enough for me.

As soon as he’s finished rinsing the shampoo out of my hair, I turn around. I seek out his gaze at first, a little shyly, wanting to know that I’m getting the right message. And then I bite my lip slightly before leaning in for a kiss, pressing my lips to his.

PAUL

She turns around and she looks at me so shyly. I hate that she's shy with me. Even a little. But it really looks hot on her. Her coy look. Looking unsure. But it tears at me. She didn't even look shy our first time. A little nervous, but not shy or unsure. And then she bites her bottom lip and I struggle to hold her gaze and keep my composure. I want to attack her lips with mine. I want to pin her to the wall. I want to touch her everywhere. I want to be inside her again.

But I know I can't do any of those things. I can't push her. I can't test her limits. I don't want to make her any more uncomfortable than she already is. So I'm only gonna go forward if she initiates something.

And then her lips meet mine. And while I want to pull her closer, I settle for gently resting my hands on her hips. And I return the kiss gently, not pushing for anything more.

RACHEL

He returns the kiss, but it’s soft, gentle. And I’m not sure if it’s because he doesn’t want to push me or if he’s just not into it. For a moment I feel the sting of rejection. I pull back slightly, looking into his eyes again, trying to read this right, trying to read him. But what I see there is desire. Desire, and also hesitation. He’s waiting for me to make the move. He’s putting it in my hands, letting me call the shots.

So I tell myself to be bold and try again, this time reaching up to cup his face in my hands. I maintain eye contact with him until I’m kissing him again, more deeply, our bodies barely touching.

PAUL

She pulls back to look into my eyes and I can see pain there. Pain like I've rejected her. And I haven't. I would never. I want to tell her. But then she seems to get it. As she stares into my eyes I see her nervousness, but I also see her desire. As she cups my face in her hands, I know that she wants this too. Maybe not everything. But she wants a response. So when her lips kiss mine more powerfully this time. I return the kiss with everything I have and press closer to her while pulling her closer to me.

"I love you, Rach," I murmur against her lips as we kiss, one of my hands going back to squeeze her rear.

RACHEL

I feel my heart beat faster when he starts to kiss me back, hungrily, desperately this time. It’s been a while since we’ve kissed, at least like this anyway. And I’ve missed him, missed this. I let my body melt against his as he pulls me closer to him, grinning slightly against his lips when I feel the pressure on my butt. This is my Paul.

He tells me that he loves me and it’s something that he’s been saying often lately, but that I don’t get sick of hearing. The more times I hear it, the more I’m convinced of it. And the better it makes me feel about us. I wrap my arms around his neck and press myself fully against him. “Say that again…” I whisper.

PAUL

I pull her body closer before pinning her back against the wall. My hands roaming over her sides and her chest. I haven't been able to kiss her in so long. I haven't been able to touch her in so long. I've been craving this for so long. I need everything she's willing to give me. My lips move against hers demanding all of her, if she'll give it.

She asks me to say it again. And I do. "I love you, Rach. With everything I am. forever."

RACHEL

I moan softly against his lips as he begins to touch me, all over, everywhere. The searing heat of his hands ignites flames throughout my body, driving me wild against the coolness of the wall tiles behind me. My own hands begin to travel down over the well-defined muscles of his back as his lips continue to crush mine, hot and heavy.

And then he whispers again that he loves me, forever, and I’m in heaven. This is pure bliss. My leg slides up along his before crooking around his knee, pulling our bodies closer together. “I love you too…” I tell him back.

PAUL

Her hands move over my back and I feel her body completely pressed against mine and I find myself starting to stand at attention. I move to pull back, not wanting to freak her out. But it's then that her leg hooks around mine and brings me closer. So that I'm crushed against her. I let out a noise of pleasure as my hands grip onto her butt and lift her up. Hoping she'll take the cue to wrap her legs around me. As my lips move to her neck, I can't deny that I'm wanting to be allowed to have all of her.

RACHEL

I wrap my legs around his waist, my arms holding onto him tighter. But then I feel his erection grinding against my belly and I feel myself tense. I shouldn’t. It’s not like this is my first time, I tell myself. This is okay. But I know I need to do only as much as I can handle right now.

As his lips move down to my neck, I whisper breathlessly, “Paul…” He barely seems to hear me. “Paul… can we slow down? No, I don’t mean stop. I just mean… slow down.”

PAUL

I want to whisper for her to relax. I want to whisper that I love her. I want to whisper that everything will be okay. I want her to trust all of herself to me. But I know that I can't pressure her. Not right now. Not when we're like this. I pull my lips from her skin and set her back down on her feet gently. It's too tempting to have her so close, so tightly wrapped around me.

My lips go back to hers though. I want to kiss her senseless. And I don't want her to feel rejected. "We can do whatever you want, baby," I say to her.

RACHEL

He lowers me back to my feet gently before his lips capture mine again, and I feel my heart warm up when he says we can do whatever I want. He understands. Even though it must frustrate him, he’s ignoring his own needs to fulfill mine. Which makes me love him even more, if that were possible.

My hands rest on his shoulders as I kiss him back with everything I’ve got. “Thank you.”

PAUL

"No problem," I mutter. I continue to kiss her. I love her, more than anything in the world. I press closer to her. I know I'm just teasing myself in doing so. But I can't resist. I want to be as close to her as I can be. And my hands are still roaming. I give her inner thigh a squeeze. "I love you," I tell her again.

RACHEL

We continue to kiss and make out, and I find myself relaxing against him. Like maybe, given a little more time, I could handle more than this. After a while, the bathroom starts getting steamy, and I swear it’s not just because of the hot water running. I grin against his lips, tempted to just keep going, but guessing that if I don’t put this on pause we could go on all night. 

“I should… probably… go fix us some… dinner,” I say in between kisses. He seems almost disappointed that this has to end. We carry on for a few more minutes, gradually slowing down. After stepping under the shower for a good, proper rinse, I give him one last kiss before getting out. “To be continued,” I assure him with a grin.

PAUL

She slowly starts to pull away. And I don't want to see her go. I’m a little afraid that it'll be a fluke and she'll be distant from me again. But I started to slow down my kisses. I started to let things cool. When she mentioned food. I remembered I was starving and I slowly pulled away. Although still watching her longingly. She promised me it was to be continued and I grinned at her. "I'm holding you to that," I teased her, nipping lightly at her neck before letting her go.

"I'm gonna finish up in here. I'll be out in a minute. And then if you need it I could help with dinner," I offered. I offered every night. But every time I helped, I made things worse. And she had stopped accepting my offers.

RACHEL

I grin when he offers help. Better get dinner done quick then. No offense to him, but I think where Paul and food are concerned, it’s best that he just sticks to the eating part of it. “Take your time, no rush,” I tell him before leaving him to it.

I’ve only just dried off and stepped into the bedroom wrapped in a towel when I hear Paul’s phone go off. I look around, trying to follow the sound until I find it nestled in the back pocket of his pants, which he’d unceremoniously thrown at the foot of the bed. I smile at how typical that is of him. When I manage to grab hold of it, I see Emily’s name on the caller ID. The first thought that comes to mind is that there may be an emergency back home, that maybe Sam needs Paul. So without thinking, I pick it up, already feeling worried.

But before I can say anything, I hear the female voice on the other end of the line. “Hiya hot stuff.” And I immediately know that this isn’t the Emily I was expecting. Not Emily Young. My fingers grip the phone as I stare ahead, stunned, confused. After a short silence, the girl speaks up again. “Come on, Paul, I know you’re there,” she says, her tone husky and unmistakably inviting.

It takes me a few moments to pull myself together. I swallow hard before answering, “I’m sorry, Paul’s not here at the moment. I’ll get him to call you back,” I tell her quickly, eager to hang up. But before I do, I hear her sultry laughter ringing in my ears. “Thanks, hun, you’re a doll. He knows where to find me.” Then the line goes dead, and for a while I’m afraid that I might puke. Everything that just happened in the shower burns a gaping hole right through my chest.

I should’ve known that as soon as I left, he would’ve gone for someone else. It was something that made sense, but that I never really put much thought into. It never quite crossed my mind that he would’ve been in a relationship during our time apart, even though in retrospect I should’ve expected no less. When he first came he asked me if I was seeing someone else. I assumed that he wasn’t either, or he wouldn’t have come. But I didn’t ask. And just because I couldn’t give myself to anyone else doesn’t mean that it had to be the same for him. He had no obligation towards me during those months. I shouldn’t be upset. 

But it sounds like, despite the fact that we’ve been back together for weeks now, he still hasn’t broken it off with her. Or even worse, she’s his back-up or something for whenever he feels I’m not giving him enough. Not quite trusting myself to stand, I sit down on the edge of the bed. I stare down at the phone for a long time, until Paul comes out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist. I can’t even look at him right now. “Your phone rang. I’m sorry I picked it up, I thought it might be important,” I apologise for answering his phone for him. I shouldn’t have. I didn’t have any right to do that. I wish I hadn’t, so that I could be ignorant of this. “It was someone called Emily,” I tell him, trying to sound normal, casual, trying hard not to crack. I hold the phone out to him, forcing a smile even though on the inside my heart is shattered. “I told her you’d call her back.”

PAUL

I come out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel. And the first thing that I notice is that I don't smell any dinner like scents. But I do smell my Rachel. I grin as my eyes fall on her. My breath is taken away again at the realization of how beautiful she is. She really is perfect. And I briefly wonder if she wouldn't mind a bit more making out before dinner. Or hell, I could pay for us to order in. And we could feast in bed. But then I take in the whole picture. I see her sitting on the edge of the bed, with my phone in her hand. And she's trying to sound brave and unaffected when she talks, but I just know, with one look into her eyes, that she's consumed with sadness.

I reach out, dumbfounded with what to say and what to do. I take the phone from her and set it on the dresser. I don't know if I should acknowledge her pain, explain, or play dumb. I shake my head. "I don't need to call her back. She's not important."

I turn around to see the astonished look on her face. "Baby, do you really think that I care about this Emily girl more than I care about you? Do you really think I'd rather call her, than stand here and argue about it with you?" I touch her cheek lightly. "I'd rather fight with you than make love to anybody else."

RACHEL

I stare up at him in shock. The way he just said that, the way he worded it. She’s not important. It doesn’t make me feel better at all. It fills me with disgust. I can’t believe him. I flinch away from his touch. “Don’t– don’t touch me,” I say through gritted teeth. “How could you?” I ask him, looking up at him. 

It pains me to think that he still treats women this way. I can deal with his past. And I get that he was seeing someone else. Or more than one person. I had no claim over him. But for us to be so little in his eyes, like we’re all just laid out on a platter for him to pick and choose whichever one he likes best. “Do you have no respect for anything or anyone at all? Is nothing sacred to you?”

PAUL

I'm not exactly sure where she's coming from right now. I mean I just told her that in her right, she's more important than this other girl. "How could I what, Rach?" I ask. "I mean when you and I weren't together. I had a thing with her. It wasn't serious. And I mean, do you really want me to call some other woman back and have a chat with her?" I don't at all understand what I'm doing wrong here.

And respect? Sacred? What did that have to do with anything? "I don't...I don't understand, Rach."

RACHEL

He can’t be serious. He’s not just acting this way because he’s cruel. It’s because he’s clueless. He doesn’t even realise what he’s doing is insulting. I feel all my emotions start to rise to the surface. “I can’t believe you,” I say, shaking my head. “I mean, I can deal with the fact that you were with her. Even though I couldn’t bring myself to be with anyone else, to be involved with anyone who wasn’t you, I get that you’re a guy whose world revolves around his dick. I get that.”

“But you don’t even have the decency to call things off with her. Or to call things off with me. And God only knows who else.” I get up and turn away from him, running my fingers through my hair. Which he shampooed. “Is that all anyone is good for to you? A good fuck, and then that’s it?” I know that’s unfair. I know how hard he’s been trying, how patient he’s been. But right now none of that counts for anything anymore. “I can handle a lot of things, Paul. But sharing isn’t one of them.”

PAUL

I feel deeply stung by her words. Is that what she really thinks about me? That I have no self control? That I can't keep it in my pants? Because that's not really the case at all. I mean, yeah, I slept with some girls while she was gone. But it wasn't so much about the sex, or the getting off as it was about trying to forget. Trying to forget that she was gone and I would never feel as good as I did with her again. And then with Rach, it's still not about just getting off. It's about wanting to show her how I love her. Mostly because I suck with words. I guess, I suck at everything. I look down at my hands. How was I going to fix this? Could it even be fixed?

I moved closer to her and touched her shoulder gently. "Rach," I begin, before faltering again. "I didn't need to call things off with her. We were just a fling. We both knew that. She hasn't called in months. She was probably just lonely and thought she could use me for an easy fix. But I don't want to do that for her anymore. I just want you. You don't have to share me. I can call and tell her that if it would make you feel better. But it's not necessary. If I don't call back she'll get the picture. She won't call again."

RACHEL

He doesn’t get it. He just doesn’t get it. Not one bit. He doesn’t understand at all that this isn’t about him having a fling. That it’s not about this girl. I don’t care who she is, what kind of person she is. It’s about his treatment of her, regarding her as just some object. It’s about how he thinks, how he’s been acting. Even now he doesn’t even seem to care.

“It’s not about her, Paul,” I tell him sadly, shrugging his hand away. “It’s about your behaviour.” There’s a short silence, and neither of us seem to know what to say anymore. I can’t lose him. I can’t break up with him. I love him more than anything, anyone in the whole world. But I can’t pretend that this is okay. “I think you should go home.”

PAUL

"What?" I asked her shocked. "Rach? Come on..." Although I don't have a real argument. I don't see what's wrong here. I don't know how to fix it. Maybe Rachel and I are just too different to make this work. I feel tears start to form in my eyes. "I'm sorry," I say to her, my voice thick with emotion. But she still won't even look at me.

I stare at her back for a long time. And I know that this is truly it. She's not budging. And I'm not gonna force myself on her. "Okay," I finally say, wiping my eyes and sniffing despite my best efforts not to. I pack my stuff up quickly. At the door to the bedroom, I pause and turn to face her. "I love you Rach. And if you ever change your mind. I'll be waiting. Even if you don't. If you ever need anything..." And then I realize it's pointless. She knows all this. I take one last look, committing her to memory before I leave first her room and then her apartment.


	11. Meet the Harwoods

RACHEL

It’s been months since I told him to leave. And it’s been even harder than the first time. Because this time I was the one who made him go, knowing full well that he still loved me. That he probably still does. But I wasn’t sure I could live with him, live with his behaviour. That is, until I received a phone call two nights ago. From Emily. And this time it really was Emily Young. And she told me that things aren’t looking good at home, that it looks like there’s going to be a war. She wanted me to know, because both my brother and Paul would be involved. And she made it a point to make sure I knew that Paul was miserable.

Suddenly I was filled with panic. I could really lose him. Paul might do something stupid. He might throw himself into this fight and wind up killing himself. And I’ll never see him again. Ever. There’ll be no way for us to ever make this right. Now my reason for asking him to leave seems so small and petty, weighed against his life. 

I packed my bags, taking only what I needed right now, and came home. I had to see him before anything horrible happened. What if something already had? I called Dad, made sure Jake was still okay, and he said that as far as he knew so was Paul. But I was still worried, I couldn’t help it. The moment I arrive, I go straight to his house. I hope he’s there. I hope he’ll see me. I knock the door, and when I don’t get an answer, I call his name. “Paul?”

PAUL

This time when Rachel told me to leave, I didn't react how I did last time. Because I was sure there was no making this right at all. I knew everything was lost. So I made it home to La Push, and up the stairs at my mom’s house to my room and into bed. And that's where I stayed unless I needed to patrol or rip some vampires to shreds. I barely ate. I only bathed when mom complained. I hadn't shaved. Jared teased me the other day that I look like the guy from Cast Away. I threw him into a tree. I hadn't been able to function hardly. Unless it was in anger. And she was all that I could think about.

At first when I heard her call my name, I was sure that I was imagining it. That I was going crazy. But the knocking and the yelling persisted. So I got up and stumbled down the stairs, sure that it was all in my head. But when I opened the door and she was still there, I stood there completely frozen. "Rach?"

RACHEL

He took the longest time to answer the door. When he finally did, I was filled with a huge sense of relief. But the relief lasts for just a second, until I start taking in the state of him. He’s a complete and total mess. His hair is unkempt, disheveled. He looks like he hasn’t shaved in months. He even smells a little. He says my name like he doesn’t believe it’s me. The tears start to fill my eyes. I did this to him. Over something so petty.

“Paul… oh Paul, look at you…” I whisper, before closing the distance between us, throwing my arms around him, hugging him tightly.

PAUL

I don't even know how to react to this. How to react to her being here. I've dreamed about it. I'd imagined it. In those imagining though, I was happier. Not shell shocked. I was smiling and laughing and twirling her around. I was telling her I loved her and I was begging her to stay with me forever. And she was agreeing. But right now, I was shell shocked. I couldn't believe it. I had started to give up hope on this dream and now it was coming true. I slowly, stiffly wrap my arms around her. It's like I've forgotten how to use them, forgotten how to hug, forgotten how to hold her.

"You're here...?" In my dream is a relaxed exclamation. Now it sounds like a question. I'm still clouded with disbelief.

RACHEL

He slowly wraps his arms around me, hesitantly, as if still unsure. I’ve never seen Paul like this before, so uncertain. It breaks my heart. It makes me wish I could take it all back. I just want to have my Paul back. “I’m here,” I assure him, nodding as I pull back slightly. 

I take in the sight of him again. He’s neglected himself so badly, I wonder if he’d even be alive if it hadn’t been for his being a wolf. I reach my hand up to touch his cheek, tears sliding down my own face. “What have you done to yourself? What have I done to you?”

PAUL

She assures me that she's here. I close my eyes and try to breath in her scent. Her scent is all over everything. Her touch is so gentle. She blames herself. And that's what makes me realize it's her. My dream Rachel would never take the blame because she knows I would never let her. And then I feel tears streaming down my cheeks. I want to tell her it's not her fault. It's all mine. I'm the only one to blame for neglecting myself. But I can't find the words. Or my voice.

My arms tighten as tight as they can around her and I bury my face in her neck, breathing her scent deeply. "You're here, you're here," I believed it now, but it's all I could repeat over and over, as I was so shocked to see her.

RACHEL

His shoulders seem to relax with a sense of relief as it sinks in that I really am here. I feel my heart break when he buries his face in my neck, his hot tears sliding onto my skin. I stroke the back of his head gently, running my fingers down his thick, unkempt hair. Why did I let it come to this? Why didn’t I learn from our first mistake, that this would only leave us both miserable? Why did I do this to him, to both of us all over again?

His arms tighten around me, and it’s then that I realise how long it’s been, and how he’s almost forgotten how strong he can be, how to manage himself. “Paul,” I say softly as my lungs start to feel deprived of air. Part of me doesn’t mind, part of me just want him to hold me as tightly as he possibly can forever. But I can’t breathe. He seems to realise a second later that he’s holding me too tightly and loosens his grip, looking so guilty it brings more tears to my eyes. I shake my head, silently willing him not to torture himself any further. “It’s okay.”

I reach up with both hands to touch either side of his face, brushing away his tears. I feel like I destroyed the man he used to be, strong and willful. I feel like I’ve broken him. “I’m here,” I repeat again. “I’m here to stay.” Gently, I pull his face down to mine, holding his gaze for a moment before pressing my lips to his.

PAUL

I'm holding her so tightly. So tightly that I don't even know how much I'm hurting her until she murmurs my name. I loosen my hold on her and look down into her eyes guiltily. I want to say sorry, but again, I don't find the words. I feel more tears in my eyes. Even when we're reunited, I do nothing but hurt her. I don't deserve her. I've known it from the beginning. She's too good for me. I'm not right for her. This is a mess.

She says that she's back. That she's here for good. And I feel guilty again. She loves the job that she has. She loves it in California. Am I going to really be selfish enough to make her give it all up? Am I going to be selfish where she is involved again? I can't be. I have to let her have what she wants. I can't trap her here in La Push. I can't. She's never wanted to be here. She's never wanted this life. And I don't want her to resent me for making her choose this.

Her lips press to mine and mine press back against hers. Almost lifelessly at first. But then more and more passionately. I kiss her with everything I have. All the love that I have. I want her to know she means everything to me. And right now I feel like I mean everything to her. And that knowledge makes me brave enough to do what I have to do next.

I pull away and shake my head. "No," I tell her, my voice lacking its usual force. I couldn't steal her life. And I didn't want her anywhere near here when the battle happened.

RACHEL

All those months without him seemed so empty, but now the world feels right again when he responds to my kiss. Nothing else matters. Everything else seems small and insignificant. The important thing is that we love each other. I should’ve known that from the start. I should never have let it come to this.

But almost as quickly as I got it back, my world goes crashing to my feet all over again. His eyes still shining with tears, he shakes his head. He says no. Just no. I swallow hard. What is that supposed to mean? What is he saying no to? Have I really pushed him too far this time? Is it too late? Does he not want me anymore? Was that kiss goodbye? “What do you mean, no?” I ask him, my voice trembling.

PAUL

She looks so upset by my word, that it almost cracks my resolve to send her away. I crush her against my chest, rubbing her back, trying to comfort her, even though I'm gonna have to crush her again. I feel the tears streaming down my face. "I mean that you have to go," I pull away from her. "Okay, Rach, you have to go so that you're safe," I look down before adding, "And happy." I've failed at making her happy at every turn. "You have to go back to California. And stay there." I wasn't any good for her. And she knew that. I just had to cut ties so that she would accept it. She could make something of herself. She could be somebody. I wouldn't hold her back.

RACHEL

He tells me I have to go and my heart sinks. I don’t even know what he says next, except that I have to go and not come back. It sounds like he means ever. It sounds like he means for good. I feel the tears slide down my face again. “You mean you don’t… want me anymore?” I ask him softly. 

I screwed up. I told him to leave. I tested his limits, and crossed them. And now it’s too late. He doesn’t want me here, he doesn’t want me with him. I shake my head, trying to fight back the tears. “Please. Please give me another chance.” I hate begging, but this time I toss aside all my foolish pride. I can’t lose him, not again.

PAUL

Now she's crying. I reach out to wipe away her tears. "No, Rach, of course I want you. I'll never want anyone as much as I want you. I'll never love anyone other than you. But all I do is drag you down." I stroke her cheek. "You're happy in California. You love your job. You deserve better than me. All I do is hurt you. I can't let you come back. You'll hate me for letting you give it all up. And I need to know you're safe..." She was begging for a second chance. "Don't you see Rach, I'm the one who doesn't deserve the chance."

RACHEL

He says that he does want me. But he wants me to go anyway. And then I realise why. It’s because he thinks he’s not good enough for me. Because he thinks all he ever does is hurt me. And he does hurt me, sometimes, but I know he never means to. I know he tries, and maybe I never give him enough credit for it. He doesn’t understand that I’m not happy in California. That as much as I love my job, it’s not enough. It will never be enough to fill the void that his absence leaves. I could never feel complete without him. 

I shake my head stubbornly. “If you want me to be happy then please don’t make me go,” I plead with him. “Not unless it would make you happy.”

PAUL

She refuses to go. Because being here, with me, she says makes her happy. She says that she will only go if it would make me happy. "The only thing that makes me happy is you," I tell her quietly. I know she won't go. And now I know it's because she wants to stay. And I know I want her to stay. Forever.

I pulled her close to me again and pressed my lips to hers roughly, with all the bottled up passion of months, pulling her inside and closing the door behind her. "I love you Rach," I say to her, "You're my everything."

RACHEL

I’m with him, and he’s okay and I’m okay and we’re okay. Finally. We lay snuggled on his couch for a while, him holding me close. We don’t talk much, mostly because there isn’t really much to say. What’s done is done. It’s in the past. And what’s important now is moving forward. I’m tempted to just stay this way until nightfall until I feel his beard tickle my temple. He’s got a beard. And he doesn’t exactly smell like a bed of roses.

I get up slowly and pull him up with me. “We really should get you cleaned up, Scruffy,” I say with a smile, patting his beard.

PAUL

I'm holding her on my couch. And I want to stay here forever. I enjoy having her close, breathing in her scent. She's everything. I wasn't lying. And I will do everything I can to make this work out this time. I'm almost in my first peaceful sleep when I kiss her temple. And I guess that was a mistake because she pulls away from me. No! No! Don't go! My brain is panicking.

But then she pulls me up too and says that we need to get me cleaned up. I laugh softly as she pats my beard. "What? You don't like the facial hair?" I ask her teasingly as I follow her up the stairs.

RACHEL

He asks jokingly if I don’t like the facial hair. I roll my eyes as I tug him towards the bathroom. “Well, it is kind of sexy,” I admit with a grin. “But there could be fleas hiding in there.” I look around until I find his razor and shaving cream. I pass them to him. “There you go. And then we’re going to have to give you a good scrub, mister.”

PAUL

She admits that it's kind of sexy. "Maybe I'll have to grow it back out," I say with a grin, "Keep better care of it, so you can trust that it's hygienic." I take the can of shaving cream and razor from her and set to my task at hand. Then she says that we're gonna have to scrub me up. I think I would like that. A lot. Because we could both get dirty before I got clean. "We, huh?" I asked, waggling my eyebrows at her in the mirror as I shaved away my caveman beard.

RACHEL

He wriggles his eyebrows at me suggestively and I give a grin. The last time this happened things actually felt like they were going to get better, easier between us. And then the phone call came. But now it feels like it just doesn’t matter anymore. We’ve wasted too much time already. I wish I could just throw aside all my insecurities and give myself to him completely again. 

“Hmm…” I smirk at him. “If you hurry up, then yeah,” I tease him before heading over to the shower and turning the water on. But then I quickly turn around, worried that he’ll take that seriously. “Don’t cut yourself.”

PAUL

She says that if I hurry up then yeah. And that's all that I need to hear. Little Paul is already getting excited at the thought and I start shaving faster. Until she reminds me not to cut myself. And then I know she's kidding. She'll wait. I take my time shaving and then when I'm done, I move over to her. My lips meet hers and I kiss her like a dying man looking for oxygen as my hands start tugging her shirt up. And then they feel every inch of exposed skin.

RACHEL

I grin when I see his clean-shaven face. “Even sexier,” I say approvingly, running my hand over the now-smooth skin. And then he leans in and kisses me with a passion so strong that it takes my breath away. I kiss him back hungrily, trying to make up for months apart in a single kiss. I help him remove my shirt before moving on to his. The feel of the rough hands against my skin sends a shiver of pleasure down my spine. I want him to touch me everywhere.

It doesn’t take long for all our clothes to land in a messy heap on the floor. I slowly move into the shower, bringing him with me, not once releasing his lips from mine.

PAUL

Rachel helps me to undress. And she's acting pretty aggressive, which is such a turn on. Her lips stay attached to mine as she pulls me into the shower. My hands are touching her everywhere that they can reach. I pull my lips away from her, so that I can take in the sight of her. God, how can it be that she's even sexier than I imagine? Than I remember? I groan a little just from the sight of her. "Rach, you're so beautiful," I say, not even trying to hide the fact that I'm staring, drinking all of her in. I move back to her, my lips finding hers as I pull her body flush against mine. "And so sexy," I bury my face in her neck, taking in her scent again before placing kisses there.

RACHEL

I feel my pulse race as he seems to be taking in the sight of me, as I am of him. He tells me I’m beautiful, and I could very well say the same about him, except that he’s already pulled me against him, crushing my lips with his before finding my neck. I moan softly as he trails kisses over my skin. “I want you Paul,” I breathe into his ear, my arms pulling him closer. We’ve lost so much time. So much precious time. “I want it all again. Everything.”

PAUL

She tells me that she wants me. And that's all I need to hear. The back of my mind says that I should make sure she's sure about this. But the truth is. I need her. And she said she wants me. And that's all that I'm gonna factor in. And I know it's moving fast, not at all taking my time with her. But like I said, I need her. More than I've ever needed anything. My lips continue to tease her neck as my hand moves down, one finger sliding between her folds as my thumb teases her most sensitive spot. "I need you so bad, Rach," I say huskily against her neck.

RACHEL

Everything’s moving so fast that I can barely catch my breath. The heat of the moment, my need of him, overrides all my previous insecurities as his lips graze over my neck, his hands moving downwards. And then I feel his thumb rubbing circles on my most sensitive spot, making me yelp a little at the sudden stimulation, but this time it’s one of pleasure. I force him back against the wall, nibbling on his ear as I let my own hand travel down to touch him. He says he needs me. “Then take me,” I whisper back.

PAUL

She forces me back against the wall. And nibbles on my earlobe. My eyes slip closed and my head lolls back a little. And then I hiss at the contact of her hand on me, touching me. It's been so long. And then she tells me to take her. And I don't need to be told twice. As much as I'm enjoying her aggression, and I hope to see it again, I need her. "Oh baby," I murmur, "I love you." And then in one swift motion I turn us around, pressing her back to the shower wall, lifting her up and sliding into her. She’s so tight, and warm. I groan as I become completely encased in her. "You feel so good baby," I say into her ear breathlessly.

RACHEL

He whispers that he loves me. I could never get tired of hearing that. I’ve gone months without hearing it, even though I’ve still believed it, hearing it now fills me with a joy that’s incomparable. And needless to say it’s turning me on. Without much warning, he flips us around, and now it’s my turn to be pinned up against the wall. I moan loudly as he slides into me, filling me completely. He murmurs into my ear again and his cheek brushes against mine. “Mmm… so good,” I murmur, passionately echoing his sentiments. I trail my lips over the side of his jaw down to suck at his neck, gripping his shoulders tightly, shoving against him, urging him on. 

PAUL

It feels so good. Both her sentiment and mine. Her lips moved down my jaw onto my neck and I groaned loudly. I had to concentrate. I had to focus. Rachel had to love this as much as I did. But it had been so long. Her hips bucked against mine and I moaned, closing my eyes. My hand slamming into the wall as I thrust into her a little roughly. "You're amazing, baby," I said to her between thrusts. My lips kissing her shoulder while she was still trying in vain to leave a mark on me. I wanted her to know that I loved and appreciated everything about her. "You're so gorgeous. Every inch of you. Inside and out." My tongue slid over her neck. I was so hungry for her. And already too close to the edge. I reached down between us and teased the sensitive nerves there again.

RACHEL

I can’t help but moan as he slams into me. He’s being rough, more than he’s really ever been with me, because he knew all about my insecurities. But this time I don’t mind. In fact I’m loving it. It feels so amazing to have him inside me. It feels amazing to have him back, all of him. I love hearing him whisper these things to me. I love how his mouth, his lips, his tongue are trailing over my skin, driving me wild. And then suddenly I feel his fingers teasing my most sensitive spot and I let out another loud moan, throwing my head back. Panting now, I lean back into him again. “I’m so close,” I breathe into his ear.

PAUL

She’s moaning loudly. And I love the sound of it. It’s like music to my ears. I love every sound she makes. And then she's whispering in my ear that she's so close. And I'm barely holding it together, about to come undone. My lips move to find hers, kissing her hungrily. I continue to tease her and move in and out of her harder and faster. "Tell me baby. Tell me what you need," I whisper against her ear. I need her to get there. Or else I'm going to embarrass me and disappoint her with our first reunion.

RACHEL

My fingers tighten their grip on him, digging into his skin as he drives me crazy with his thrusts, and his touch. He asks me to tell him and it’s almost frustrating that he’s teasing. I want it now. “I need you…” I murmur, my hips bucking hard against his. “I need to come. Now. And you. Inside me. Now.” The last few words come out sounding, strained, frustrated. I’m so desperate for him.

PAUL

"Just let go baby," I whisper in her ear before nibbling her earlobe. And a few thrusts later, I feel her walls clamp down around me and we both go over the edge. And I feel the ripples of pleasure roll through my body. And I feel Rach go a little limp, so I wrap my arms around her to hold her up. My forehead resting against hers as I pant, trying to come back down to Earth and back to my senses. "That was amazing," I say to her.

RACHEL

He tells me to let go, and it’s not long before we both do. And because I have the freedom to scream, I do. My knees go weak and I collapse against him, panting along with him, feeling totally spent. He says it’s amazing and I give small laugh. “No kidding…” I say softly, nudging his nose slightly with my own. I lean against him for a while, soaking in the moment. Until I hear it. Faint, clanging sounds coming from downstairs. I remain silent for a while, trying to see if I didn’t just imagine that. And then I hear the sound of the TV, vague, but definitely on. I look at him, shocked. “Oh my God,” I gasp, the blush rising to my cheeks. We weren’t being entirely discreet. “Pa – Your… oh no…” 

PAUL

I'm not sure what she's going on about. What is she so upset about? And then I hear it too. My mom and sister are home. Mom's making dinner and Mandy's watching some dumb high school show. And I realize I was too wrapped up in her to notice. I loved every sound she made. But I wish I could save her from the embarrassment that she obviously feels. "I'm so sorry. I was so wrapped up in you, I wasn't listening." My hands run over her back as I hold her. "I guess we should finish up here, get dressed, and you should meet my mom and sister." There was no way to sneak her out. And I didn't want to. I didn't want to hide her. I wasn't ashamed of her, or anything we'd done.

RACHEL

He suggests finishing up and going out to meet his family and I stare at him like he’s crazy. After what they just heard? How on earth am I going to face his mother? Who, by the way, probably hates me now because I made her son so miserable. Plus, it’s been two years since Paul and I started going out and I haven’t met her or Mandy once, firstly because we were waiting for a proper time to do it and then because I moved away. I mean, what must she think of me now? What if she doesn’t like me? Especially after the racket we just made in here, within her 14-year-old daughter’s range of hearing. 

“Meet them?” I squeak, my voice coming out way more high-pitched than normal as my cheeks burn even more. Okay, note to self, next time we want to have hot sex in the shower, we’re not having it at his house! Or mine, for that matter. Which does bring up the point of what our plans are going to be from now on, but right now I can’t really concentrate on that. All I can really think of is how I might just die of embarrassment. “Are you kidding me?”

PAUL

I chuckle at her when she squeaks out "Meet them?" I nod at her. "Yeah, baby," I say to her. I rub her arms with my hands, trying to make her relax. "I mean, unless you wanna hide out up here, or in my room," I try to explain, "I mean, if my sister’s in the living room it'd be impossible to sneak you out." I kiss her lips softly before going back to the actual getting clean part of the shower.

"Besides, you have nothing to be ashamed of. We're in love. We're soul mates. We're meant to be together. We just made love. There’s nothing wrong with that. And mom's cool," I promised her.

Then I handed her the soap. I knew it wasn't nice to tease or torture her, but I couldn't resist saying. "You're gonna want this. You smell like sex." I inhaled. It smelled absolutely delicious.

RACHEL

I guess he has a point. It’s not like I can hide, or sneak out. But he doesn’t seem to realise how embarrassing it’s going to be. I can just see the smirk on his sister’s face and the disapproval on his mother’s. Still, when he puts it like that, it’s hard to argue anymore. We’re soulmates. And all embarrassment aside, I’m so glad to hear him say that again. I just wonder how cool exactly his mom is going to be. “Okay…” I say reluctantly.

And then he hands me the soap, and just as I’m about to take it from him, he teases me. You smell like sex, he says. It doesn’t help at all with getting the blush to go away, but I burst out laughing anyway. “Thanks a lot,” I say as I snatch the soap from him before smacking his arm. I set about getting myself clean and only several seconds later does it hit me. “You know what? You have no idea how much I’ve missed doing that.” I mean the smacking, of course. Not the sex. Well, the sex too. But definitely the smacking.

PAUL

She looks so nervous about meeting them. So nervous that I almost want to save her from it. "Rach, baby, I promise that it'll all be okay," I tell her. I kiss her lips again lightly. I mean it. There's no way that they'll be mean or disrespectful to her. I know that they're better than that. And they know how I feel about her. "They’ll love you," I say with conviction and I know it's true.

Then she smacks me for teasing her too roughly. And she says she missed that. And I chuckled. I know that she meant the smack. But I'm hoping she meant the sex too. "Me too baby," I say to her with a smirk, "I like it when you're rough with me." And she didn't mind it rough either. I felt myself getting in the mood again. My hand snaked around her waist, pulling her closer, my lips landing on her neck again.

RACHEL

He again reassures me that it’s going to be okay, that I don’t need to worry about them not liking me, or thinking badly of me. I feel myself relax a little, hoping he’s right. I know he loves his family, and that they love him, and I would hate to have made an awful first impression. He goes on to tease me, saying that he likes it rough as he pulls me towards him again, bringing his lips down to my neck. It feels amazing. “Paul…” I breathe. I’m so tempted to melt into him again. No, no, Rach, you can’t get turned on now. Now’s not the time. “Come on, don’t be naughty,” I scold him lightly, grinning as I reluctantly pull away and get to work on the soaping up. 

PAUL

She teasingly tells me not to be naughty. And I know she's right. It shouldn't really happen again while we both know my family is downstairs. But she's so damn hot. I almost can't resist. "Oh, baby," I tease her back, but I let her go and just enjoy watching her, "But you're already so dirty." And then she begins soaping up and I place a chaste kiss on her lips as I move out of the way of the water's spray, so she can get under it.

When she's done rinsing I reach around her to turn off the water before grabbing her a towel and wrapping her up in it. In no time we're both dried off and dressed. I held my hand out to her. "You ready?"

RACHEL

I giggle at his teasing, and then give him a mock glare because he already knows I don’t want to make any more noise in here than I already have. “Shut up, you,” I scold him as I get under the water and start washing off. 

Minutes later, we’re both clean, dry, and dressed again. He looks so handsome. I mean, he still did even before the shave, but I guess this is the Paul I’m used to. I give him a light peck on the cheek as I take his hand. “Guess I’ll have to be,” I reply. 

He leads me downstairs and the first thing I see is Mandy, sitting on the couch watching some show I’m not familiar with. She looks up, looking not at all surprised. She’s got almost the same sheepish smirk that Paul often wears. “Have fun up there?” she says, waggling her eyebrows at Paul before he can even make an introduction. 

PAUL

"I absolutely enjoyed every second," I say back to her, with my own smirk, as I place a kiss on Rach's cheek. "Mandy, this is..." But she cuts me off.

She grins impishly. "Rachel," she interjects. "I know. I mean I don't think you'd enjoy absolutely every second of anyone else's company." She lulls her head off the side of the couch, looking at us upside down. "Hey," she says to Rachel. Holding out her hand at an awkward angle because of her angle. "I'm Mandy. Nice to meet you." And then she eyed Rachel for a moment. "So does this mean you’re staying around for a while? Or are we gonna have to deal with the reemergence of the caveman?"

That's when my mom walks into the room. And smiles at us, obviously appreciating the improvement in me. "Give the poor girl a break," she said to Mandy. Before turning to Rachel. "When I realized we had company, I made extra. Do you want to stay for dinner?" She obviously hoped Rachel would say yes.

RACHEL

I immediately sense the closeness between brother and sister, how Paul doesn’t take offense but instead plays along. Mandy, however, does seem to have a turbo-powered tongue. She already knows my name and points out that she already figured as much that it was me. I blush a little at the fact that she seems to know exactly how much Paul and I mean to each other. She holds her hand out and I attempt to shake it, but it takes a few tries to get it right. “Nice to meet you too, Mandy,” I tell her with a smile. She asks if it means I’m going to stay for a while, and I can’t help but giggle at how I’m not the only one who refers to him as a caveman. I look over at Paul for a moment, smiling. “Yeah, I’m going to be around for quite a while, I think,” I answer her. “Hopefully a long time.”

Then his mom walks out of the kitchen, the warmest expression on her face. She’s not very tall and a little plump, but she’s got the sweetest face I’ve ever seen, and she addresses me like she already knows me. “That’s quite all right,” I tell her when she lightly berates Mandy. But I can’t help but blush even more when she says she made extra because she realised there was company. I mean, there’s only one way she could’ve realised it, but she makes it seem like it’s a non-issue. Paul wasn’t kidding when he said his mom was cool. I can’t say no to that hopeful look on her face. “Uhm, yeah, that would be great,” I tell her, already feeling so welcome in her home.

PAUL

I can't help but beam and pull her closer to me. Kissing her forehead and then her cheek and then her lips lightly. "I'd like to keep you forever," I whisper against her ear so that only she can hear me.

Mandy hides her face jokingly as I kiss Rach and I laugh, ruffling her hair.

"Mandy, leave your brother alone and go set another place at the table," our mom said to her, so obviously pleased that Rachel would stay for dinner. She was grinning ear to ear and I thought that it might even rival mine.

Mandy huffed, but just for a second until she realized the extra place was for Rachel. Sometimes she was a little slow on the uptake. She grinned then and righted her angle, hopping off the couch in one fluid motion with agility to rival my own. "Good," she said to Rachel when she agreed she was staying. "Because he's a complete loser without you." And then the doorbell rang and she ran to answer it, engulfing some boy in a hug. I raised an eyebrow. "Oh, you've missed like three boyfriends," she informed me matter of factly, as she ushered the guy in. "Paul, this is Greg. Greg, my brother Paul." And then just like that she disappeared from the room to set an extra place at the table, leaving us in the living room.

I glared at the guy on principle and the fact that I hated how he looked at my sister. Too hungry. Too eager. "I guess the gang’s all here,” I muttered.

RACHEL

What Mandy says makes me feel so guilty. I left Paul in a lurch, pretty much. And they had to watch him neglect himself the whole time. I want so much to apologise to his mother, but she’s smiling so broadly that I can’t bring myself to spoil the mood. 

Suddenly the doorbell rings and Mandy goes bouncing off and then back in again with a guy. He looks like he’s pretty much her age, pretty cute. But Paul is glaring at him like he’s about to kill him. I reach out and touch Paul’s arm gently, trying to get him to calm down. “Hi Greg, I’m Rachel, Paul’s fi– girlfriend.” I almost call myself his fiancée, because that’s what I was used to before California. But now I realise that I’m not really sure where that stands anymore, since neither of us has brought it up.

I let go of his hand to move into the kitchen and help his mom bring out the food. She tells me I don’t have to, I’m her guest, but she seems incredibly pleased when I insist. Finally we’re all seated at the table, and by then I already feel like I’m a part of the family. “Wow, smells delicious,” I say to his mom. Really, this home smells like home. It kind of smells like my own home, even, reminding me of the time when Mom was still around.

PAUL

She starts to say that she's my fiancée and I start to glow with pride. But then I feel deflated because she changes her mind and says she's only my girlfriend. And I know why. Because I made her feel so terribly insecure about us. I pull her even closer to me and kiss her temple. I'm about to correct her, let her know that I consider her my fiancée, but I can't because then she flits off to help my mom and I grin, watching the three women in my life get along and work together so well.

"Your sister's amazing," Greg says and I glare at him for a moment. "Yeah she is," I agreed with a nod. And I relax a little. Okay, so he's looking all over my sisters undeveloped body like it's an all you can eat buffet. But he’s also got the right look in his eyes. I don't think it's love. But it's definitely adoration. And I think I might be okay with my sister being adored, so long as she's not taken advantage of.

I looked at him long and hard, staring him down. "Those women in there mean the world to me," I inform him, "and if you ever hurt a one of them..." I don't even feel that the threat needs to be finished because he's wiping sweaty palms on his pants, swallowing thickly, and his heart picked up speed. He’s sufficiently scared. And then he talks with conviction, like he knows he never would. "Wouldn't happen. Ever." And I'm blown away by the look that I see on his face. He really adores my sister. I refuse to say love. They’re too young for love.

And then mom calls that dinner’s ready. And I pat this Greg guy on the back and lead him into the kitchen as we take our seats. Rachel says it smells delicious and I'm taking her hand in mine again, squeezing it. "Yeah it does mom," I say, "and it looks amazing." We start to serve ourselves and the usual dinner chatter breaks over the table. Until mom asks how long Rachel's going to be here. When she has to go back to work. And she even says how she'll miss Rach when she's gone.

"I think she's staying," I say to mom with a smile. When Rachel nods, I decide to dispel her worries by telling her the truth about how I feel about our relationship. "We're getting married."

RACHEL

Paul’s mom is so nice. She reminds me a little of my mom, but probably even more perky and jovial. She’s already treating me like a part of her family, saying she’ll miss me when I’m gone. Paul answers her questions for me, informing her that I’m staying. I smile and nod to confirm. I am. I love my job, and I love California, but all that means nothing without Paul. I know that for sure now, and I’m not going to mess this up again.

And then he surprises me. And everyone else at the table. He announces that we’re getting married. I turn to look at him, eyes wide in surprise. “We are?” I can’t help but blurt out. I wasn’t sure about that. I wasn’t sure if his proposal still stands after everything that’s happened, and I didn’t want to push for anything. I would be happy with whatever we decided on for now, as long as we could be together. 

But his eyes say it all, leaving no room for doubt. This is what he wants, and it’s what I want too. I break into a smile. “I guess we are,” I say softly, leaning over to hug him and exchange a brief kiss. Mandy gives a whoop of excitement, clapping her hands, Greg glancing over at what she’s doing before following suit. When I turn to look back at their mother, her eyes are sparkling. She looks more than thrilled. She gets up and comes over to me. I stand up and before I know it, she’s wrapped me in a warm embrace. “Welcome to the family, dear,” she says to me, as if it just can’t wait till after we’re married.


	12. A Helping Hand

PAUL

I had just returned from the training session we were doing with the new wolves. Mandy and Brady and Collin, who had phased later the same week were the oldest of the nine new wolves we had now. And it was going good with most of them. All of them were catching on pretty well to the basic concepts. But they each had strengths and weaknesses. And not that it surprised me much but Mandy had me worried. She didn't take much seriously. And she was treating this the same way. And she was constantly finding ways to be acrobatic at the same time. It was like she had it in her mind to be a werewolf daredevil, but we were the only people who even got to see it. Though I had to admit the height and distance she got was impressive. I walked into my house, to find Rachel and my mom talking, they'd been spending a lot of time together lately. I smiled and kissed Rachel's temple. We said bye to my mom and then went up to my room after I told mom that Mandy was going to Greg's.

I couldn't wait to be alone with Rach, to vent. I didn't want to do so in front of mom. I didn't want to worry her anymore than she already was. And I wanted to hold her close and enjoy her as much as I could before we went off to fight. She asks me how it was and I immediately say, "She's not taking it seriously."

RACHEL

I’m still chatting with Paul’s mom when he comes home, looking tired and worried in spite of the smile that he manages. His mom and I were just talking about him. And Mandy. And she was telling me how she worries about both of them now. It’s something that I can relate to, given the fact that both my brother and my fiancé are involved in this, not to mention Mandy whom I’ve begun to regard as a little sister as well as the other wolves. I don’t want any of them to be hurt. But I also realise that this fight is inevitable.

Upstairs, the moment I ask Paul how things are going, he starts on Mandy, complaining about her attitude. I know he’s worried about her, and he doesn’t quite like the idea of her sharing the same fate as himself. I also know that she’s a free spirit who would fly if she could. I sit him down and start massaging his shoulders. “What has she done this time?” I ask him, trying to give him a chance to get all this off his chest.

PAUL

This is just further proof to me that Rachel is perfect. Because she immediately sits me down and massages my shoulders. And I can feel the tension start to roll away under her capable hands. And then she asks me what Mandy’s done this time. "What hasn't she done?" I mutter. I sigh. "It's just like she doesn't seem to get it. She's so light and careless about it. And the whole time it's like she either doesn't see this fight as different from any other day, or she's excited to be in it. And most of the time she's trying to be a wolf trapeze artist without the trapeze. And none of that is gonna help her tear vampires limb from limb in the middle of a blizzard. If the little seeing bloodsucker is right." I knew I was probably gonna get a smack for referring to her future family as bloodsuckers, but I hated their involvement. I didn't trust it. "And it's like she thinks it won't be hard. Since she has all these powers. And then there's what she and Brady keep doing to each other, and ultimately themselves."

RACHEL

He begins to tell me everything. And I have to agree that Mandy’s behaviour doesn’t seem appropriate given the weight of the situation at hand. There are lives at stake here, hers included. I don’t like the idea of her fooling around any more than Paul does. I give a little sigh as Paul uses a derogatory term to describe one of the Cullen girls, which he always tends to do. Normally I would correct him. I don’t like the idea of there being so much animosity with the people who are going to become a part of Jacob’s life, and therefore mine, one way or another. But he’s stressed out and in a bad mood, so I let it slide.

I sigh softly. “Look at it this way,” I say to him. “At least she’s taking it well. You know better than I do that for all that she’s gained by this happening, she’s lost quite a big part of her life too. She’s so young, and she’s going to be living with this secret that she didn’t bargain for. Maybe this is her way of making the best of it. Would you rather she be miserable too on top of everything else?” I plant a soft kiss between his shoulder blades, breathing in his masculine scent. “And as for the whole thing with Brady… Remember, we’ve had our share of rough patches too. They just need to slowly work it out for themselves.”

PAUL

I'm surprised that she doesn't yell at me for saying bloodsucker. And then she tries to talk it out with me. And I love that about Rach too. I can actually talk to her about things. With no judgment. She never holds the things I say when I'm super stressed out against me. It's like it's truly safe to say whatever I feel. And she's right. I know she is. I love Mandy. And I never wanted this for her. And she could be miserable. But she's having a good time. And she's taking to it like a fish to water for the most part. "I guess you’re right," I concede, "I just wish she'd try harder. And stop seeing this like it's some magical story. Like she's gonna be a superhero now or something."

And then she continues to talk about how we've had our issues too. "I know," I say to her, "But it's like they deliberately do things to hurt each other. Like she thinks about making out with Greg. And they're so in denial about spending forever together. But then they naturally gravitate towards each other, defending each other in mock battle. And refusing to fight the other. And we can tell that they've had a moment or two in human form. But neither of them will give in. At least all of our problems were with each other for the most part. And not one of us being in love with someone else still. And the worst part is that we can all tell she isn't in love with him anymore, that she just does it to show her independence, to rebel." It just seemed like it was tarnishing the idea of an imprint to me.

RACHEL

He tells me how he wishes she’d just start seeing things seriously and not act like she’s going to be a superhero or something. I chuckle softly, leaning against him from behind, pressing a kiss on his shoulder. “But you are a superhero. My superhero, anyway,” I tease him lightly. “Okay, okay, I get what you mean.” 

I let him go on unpacking all his worries and frustrations as I continue working on his still-tense shoulders. I can’t say I like how Mandy is dealing with the imprint part of things. Especially when she and Brady could be so happy together, if they just gave it a chance. I should know that better than anyone. And given the gravity of what’s coming, they really do need to get their acts together, for everyone’s sakes.

“You’re right,” I agree with him. “They’re not doing anyone any good by being so stubborn.” I slowly wrap my arms around him, my hands sliding over his warm chest. “Would you like me to try talking to her?” I ask him. “Maybe it’s about time we had a little girl-to-girl chat. What do you think?”

PAUL

First she's massaging my shoulders. Then she's placing kisses between my shoulder blades and on my shoulder. And now she's calling me her superhero. I wonder if she has any clue how much she's turning me on right now and making me forget about the fact that I have any grievances, problems, or worries.

And then she agrees with me about things being wrong where the imprint's concerned. And she says that she thinks they're being stubborn. And I agree. And then she makes the most enchanting offer ever. One that endears her to me and makes me love her even more. She offers to talk to Mandy, girl to girl, something that I can't do. And every talk that I have with Mandy, ends in arguments because I try to be her big brother. I try to make rules.

When she says it her arms wrap around me and travel up my chest and I lean back for just a second. I press a quick kiss to her cheek as I ask her. "You sure you wouldn't mind? Because that might work..."

Then unable to keep the distance from her, I turn over in her arms, so that we're face to face and I lean forward, making her lower herself down onto the bed, leaning over her. My eyes boring into hers with intensity. "It'd be so amazing if you would..." I repeat honestly, before my lips meet hers.

RACHEL

I can feel his body start to relax, and he sounds pleased with my offer. I smile as I receive a peck on the cheek before he proceeds to turn around, leaning in so that I move back down onto the bed. He holds my gaze with a fire that knocks the breath out of me for a second. “Of course I wouldn’t mind,” I tell him, stroking his arm. And then his lips come down to meet mine, silencing my next words. “Leave… her… to me… big brother,” I tease him between kisses, glad to be able to ease some of his burden. Especially with the danger that’s fast approaching.


	13. Don't Say Goodbye

PAUL

Rachel and I weren't supposed to get together for a few more hours yet. Tonight was the last night before the war, so we had all been sent home to enjoy our families and our imprints for what might possibly be the last night. So when I got a call from Billy, I was surprised. When he said that Rachel was completely distraught, I panicked. I apologized to mom and told her that she would get to see Rach tomorrow when everyone went to Sam and Emily's to wait the whole thing out. She understood though and shooed me away. I hopped into my truck and drove down the drive, arriving at the Blacks’ in no time. Billy was already waiting outside and he gestured me in.

But I could hear her tears from here and I raced upstairs to her. I knocked on her door, but didn't wait for an answer before walking in. "Rach," I said sadly, taking in the sight of her. I sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed her back while she cried. "Shhh," I tried to soothe her. "It'll be okay."

RACHEL

At first I thought I could handle it, but maybe it’s because I was living in denial, pretending that it was just another fight. But as the war drew closer, I grew more and more nervous, agitated, and afraid. I was afraid of losing Jacob, Mandy, and the man I love. I was afraid that we may not get the chance to make up for all the time we’ve lost.

It’s the evening before. And I’ve finally lost it. Dad and I were talking, and even though I could tell he was worried too, he tried to comfort me. Halfway through I just couldn’t take it anymore. I muttered an apology and flew up to my room, unable to control my emotions anymore, and started crying. 

I don’t even register the knock on the door until Paul comes in, sitting with me on the bed. I can hear the sadness in his voice. Tears streaming down my face, I throw my arms around his neck. I don’t want him to go. Would it be so selfish of me to not want my fiancé to risk his life out there? As much as I know that can’t happen, I wish so much that it could. “Paul,” I sob quietly. “I’m so scared. So, so scared. I can’t lose you.”

PAUL

She throws herself into my arms and I immediately wrap my arms around her, pulling her into my lap. One hand wiping away her tears and the other rubbing her back. I wish I had the right words to say. But I don't know if I should make promises that I can't keep or not. I don't know if I should say it'll turn out okay. Or not to be afraid when I'm terrified too. And I can't guarantee that any of the people she's worried about will come back. Or won't get hurt.

I decide for most of the truth. "I know, baby," I say, keeping my voice steady and soothing, "I'm scared too. I'm scared we won't have forever. I'm scared I'll never get to see you look gorgeous in your white dress as you walk down the aisle to me. And I'm scared for the others too. But we have to believe it'll be okay. So that we can fight well. So that we all have a better chance of making it back to all the people we love."

RACHEL

He doesn’t tell me what I want to hear, but the truth. And in my heart of hearts, I’m grateful that he’s sharing his own fears with me too. When he says he’s afraid he won’t live to see our wedding day, I choke back on a hard sob. We’re supposed to get married. I’ve been waiting for that day. It’s supposed to be a promise.

But the reality of it all starts to sink in when he reasons it out. Saying that we have to believe that things will be okay in the end. And slowly, I try to fight my tears away. I need him to fight well. I need him to make it out of this alive. And he won’t be able to do that if he’s going to be worrying about me out there. I nod quietly, pulling back as I wipe my cheeks hastily. “You’re right…” I say softly. “You’re right…”

I bring my hand up to his cheek, stroking it gently. “Don’t worry about us out there,” I tell him, looking into his eyes. “Just focus on what you have to do. Because your mom and I, we’ll be waiting for you. I’ll be waiting for you.” The tears start to fill my eyes again regardless. “You have to come back to me.”

PAUL

I feel desperately guilty for the additional pain that I cause her when I mention our wedding day. I know that that day will be a beautiful day and that she'll look like an angel. But just as quickly, she tries to rein her emotions in. She says that I'm right. That we need clear heads out there in order to fight well. I hold her tighter, amazed at how strong and brave she's being.

She then tells me not to worry about them while I'm out there. "Impossible," I murmur to her, but I know what she means. She doesn't want me to be distracted to the point of getting hurt out there. I nod. "And I'm gonna do everything that I can to come back to you. Everything. I love you, Rach," I leaned down and kissed her lightly.

And as I pulled back and looked into her eyes, I felt the need for her pulsate through my veins. It tugged at me almost painfully. And then my lips crashed back down on hers, sharing that hunger with her.

RACHEL

He says he’s going to do everything to make sure he comes back to me. And I take that as a promise. I don’t even want to imagine for a second what my life would be like without him in it. I have to believe that when the war is over, we’ll still have everything I envision in our future. Getting married. Having his babies. Growing old together. We’ve worked so hard to get here, we deserve to have all that. Is it too much to ask for? 

As he gazes into my eyes, I feel everything within me being drawn to him. My heart, my soul. It’s his. And he knows it. His lips capture mine, and I kiss him back desperately, so afraid that I’ll never get to again. I gently push him back onto my bed, crawling after him. My lips never leave his, even as my tears fall down onto his cheeks.

PAUL

The kiss feels bitter sweet. Because we're both thinking that this might be it. That this might be the last time we do this. As she lowers me down onto the bed, I know that I have to come back to her. This can't be the last time that we kiss like this. This can't be the last time that I hold Rach, my Rach, close. This can't be the last time that I try to get into her pants. Though I gotta say it doesn't look like I'm gonna have to try too hard.

But for once I don't wanna push. I want this to be exactly whatever Rachel wants it to be. Because I want to know that I left her behind as happy as I could have. As I feel her tears running down her face as our lips move together, I feel my own tears moving down my cheeks as my hands move to rest on her hips, my thumbs gently brushing along her inner thighs.

RACHEL

As we kiss, my tears blend with his. And I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him this emotional before. When he feels the uncertainty as strongly as I am, it’s hard not to think about how this could very well be our last time together. I feel his strong hands resting on my hips, and let my own wander down to his chest. And I feel his heart beating. I need to believe that it’ll still be beating like this tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. “Paul,” I whisper as we continue to kiss passionately, as if both of us are afraid that it’ll be our last chance. “I love you. Always have. Always will.”

PAUL

Her hands move over my chest coming to rest on my heart. And I can tell from the look in her eyes when she pulls away to tell me she loves me that she's feeling it beat. I capture her lips in my own again, giving her another passionate kiss. Then I place my hand over hers on my chest. And raise my hand to rest on her chest, over her heart. I feel it beat. And I know it sounds corny, but I grin a little because they seem to be beating in time. "You feel that," I ask her, laying more pressure on the hand she has covering my heart. She nods. "My heart beats only for you, Rach. And I promise, so long as your heart’s beating, mine will be beating. I'll come back to you," I promise. Even though I know that it's not something that I can guarantee.

My lips go back to meet hers. And my hand moves over just a bit to knead her breast. "I love you, Rach. More than anything," I promise her again. My lips continue to move with hers. "I need you. I need to be with you tonight, Rach..." I waited for a response, hoping that in what could be our last night together she would share herself with me, she would let me express my love for her in the highest form I could think of. "Please, Rach."

RACHEL

I feel his heartbeat, and my own, and how they seem to be beating in perfect synchrony. I have to hold onto the hope that he will fulfill his promise. That after all this is over, he’ll come back to me, and we’ll get to see and do everything we were meant to together. I have to believe it. More tears begin to slide down my cheeks as he tells me he loves me, and needs me. It’s like he’s asking for permission. Something he never does. Because it’s something we both take for granted.

I nod silently, leaning my forehead against his before resuming our kiss. “I need you too, Paul,” I whisper to him, my hand traveling back up along his neck to cup his cheek. “I need to be with you too.” And it pains me too much to say tonight. Because I need him for more than just tonight.

PAUL

Her forehead rests against mine and she agrees that she needs me too. And the fact that she needs me and wants me, for the first time ever truly takes my breath away. I feel both privileged and honored. For the first time, I realize the respect that I should always be showing her and that I know I had failed to do so once or twice. I wanted things tonight to be slow and passionate. I wanted to take my time. It was almost like I thought that so long as I was making love to Rachel the time wouldn't pass. Tomorrow would never come. And I didn't have to risk my life for that little freak of nature. Also known as Jake's imprint.

My lips moved with hers slowly, trying to communicate all of my emotions and love for her. Everything that I felt. My hands moved to rest on her hips. Then from there to wrap around her, my hands moving to her upper back, pulling her body down against mine. "I love you, Rach. I love you so much. You're my whole entire world."

RACHEL

I try to savour every moment, every touch, every breath of his as we kiss. I want this to last, for him to never have to leave me, not even for a second. I feel his strong arms move up and around me, pulling me close against the heat of his body. It makes me feel so safe, so at home. And he seems to be reading my mind as he says that I’m his world. I grew up believing in love, but never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that love like this, like ours, could exist. 

“And you’re mine,” I whisper as I press myself as close to him as I can, our legs tangled, my fingers getting lost in his hair,

PAUL

I'm her world. I feel almost guilty for feeling deliriously happy at that admission from her. I like to know that we're on the same page. That she feels the same about me as I do about her.

My tongue continues its lazy dance with hers. Things are slow. Not fueled by the usual mind blowing passion. This time fueled truly by love. One of my hands, continues its trail up to get lost in her hair.

My lips slowly pull away from hers. I'm going to let her pretty much take the lead tonight, so that I know that she gets what she wants out of tonight. So long as I'm with her, I'll be happy.

RACHEL

Tonight I can almost feel his love for me radiating off him, wrapping me up in a warm, cosy blanket. One that I want to remain in forever. And pretend that the outside world, vampires and all, just don’t exist, so that we can stay blissfully happy and uninterrupted. As his lips pull away, I let my cheek rest against his for a moment before trailing my lips down to his neck, my hands moving back down to slip under his shirt, seeking the warmth of his skin against mine. 

PAUL

I let out a pleasured groan as her lips move to my neck. I know I should try to be quiet. I should try to keep the fact that we're fooling around up here to myself. Her dad is home. Billy is downstairs. But I can't reign myself in. And if this is the last time this ever happens, I want her to have no doubt that I enjoyed myself. "That feels so good, baby," I encourage as her hands roam over my skin.

One of my hands continues to play with her hair, giving it a gentle tug as the other moves down, first giving her butt a teasing squeeze and then going under her shirt to move along her back.

RACHEL

I smile against his skin upon hearing him groan, the groan that I’ve come to read as him telling me exactly how much he’s enjoying this, how much he wants it and how much it’s turning him on. I nuzzle his neck a moment longer, breathing in deeply, trying to commit his scent to memory, even though that’s hardly going to be a problem. 

As his hand roams down to squeeze my butt and then slip under my shirt, I revel in his touch, every moment of it, needing it like I need to breathe. I pull back slightly, getting him to sit up just enough for me to pull his shirt off slowly, and then help him with mine. I want to be as close to him as I possibly can right now. Every part of him. I want there to be no barriers between us. 

Rolling onto my back, I switch places with him, spreading my legs for him to settle between them. Gently, I run my hands over the muscles of his back. I want him to take charge. I want him to see that I no longer have any doubts about him, or about us. I want to truly prove to him once and for all that I now trust him completely, that I’ve gotten over all that had served to drive a wedge between us before.

PAUL

She leans against me for a long moment, just breathing in my scent. And it's almost torture. But it's amazing all the same. To have her body so close to mine, pressed tight. Her warm breath caressing my skin. And my arms hold her, my hands pressing her close as I do the same, just breath in her coconut and lime scent. It’s assaulting my senses. Every sense is being teased by her somehow. And I have to remind myself not to be primal to go slow.

She removes my shirt and I remove hers. My hands trace around, to unclasp her bra. And before I even have a chance to tease or touch her, she rolls over onto her side, tugging me to move with her. And I readily oblige, moving over her, settling in between her legs comfortably. "Are you okay?" I whisper. A question that I'm not even entirely sure I asked her our first time. But I know that in a way this almost means more. I feel like more might be riding on this. This might be the last time this ever happens. This is what she'll have to hold her over until I come back....if I come back.

RACHEL

He whispers to me, asking me if I’m okay. I feel all the emotions rise in my chest, clenching over my heart. I bring my hands to his face, stroking his cheek, holding his gaze as I try to memorise every feature, every mark, every line. And before I can stop it another tear escapes my eye. I nod quietly before pulling his face back down to mine, holding him closer to me as our lips continue their dance.

PAUL

I see another tear escape from the corner of her eye. It makes me frown slightly. I hadn't meant to make her cry. She assures me that she's okay with a nod. Though her tears are to the contrary. And then she pulls me back down to her lips. And I can't ignore her silent plea. She's practically begging me to just be with her. No words, no questions. Just the two of us.

I felt her bare chest against my bare chest and it caused another moan to rumble through my chest. My hands moved over her stomach, moving up to her breast, cupping it in my hand, kneading it with my palm. Though I really desired to be touching her somewhere else right now.

RACHEL

I feel a shudder of pleasure run down my spine as he begins to massage my breast, his lips still driving me senseless. I drink in every moment as I arch my back, pressing myself closer, feeling the heat of his body warming mine. My hands travel back down, sliding along his shoulders, down his arms, his sides, until they reach his waist. I rub my palms against his skin, lingering for a moment before letting my thumbs hook through the waistband of his pants.

PAUL

Her hands run all over my body as her body presses closer to the palm of my hand. She's making it so hard for me to control myself. All I can think about is just making her mine. But I don't want this to end any time soon. Her fingers hook into my pants and I give her another groan, and I feel myself twitch slightly at the anticipation. I grind my hips against hers as I begin to massage her other breast, my mouth moving to tease the sensitive spot on her neck.

RACHEL

I hear him groan again and I can feel his body’s response, and I want nothing more right now than for him to take me, claim me, make love to me. Not as a parting gift, but as a promise that he’ll come back. I know I wouldn’t be able to bear it if he never came back. But for his peace of mind, I won’t tell him that. As his lips travel away from mine and to my neck, I move my hands downward, sliding his pants down too.

PAUL

Her small hands begin to push down my pants. And as is usual with us wolves, since we have to become wolves at the drop of a hat, there's no boxers or other underwear on. "Oh god Rach," I groan against her skin. What the hell is she trying to do to me? She's trying to kill me with my own self restraint. I press my hips closer to hers. "God I want you so bad," I whisper. But I don't want to short change her tonight. I want her to see this as a promise of more to come. And in case I don't come back, I don't want to feel like I messed this up, that I would still owe her something.

RACHEL

I pull his pants off completely, leaving him completely naked and pressing against me. And I can hear how his voice is laden with desire, and tonight I allow myself to bask in the fact that it’s desire for me. “I want you too,” I murmur back, my hands trailing back up, along his hard, muscular thighs and over his firm butt. And I want tonight to be good for us. Both of us. Not just for me, but for him too, so I let my hand move between us to touch him.

PAUL

Her hand moves between us and touches me and I hiss out a breath at the sudden contact. And I can't keep myself from what I want anymore. My hand reaches down between us to try and undo her jeans. But I'm so distracted that I can't even seem to manage the simple task. I roll over onto my side, pulling her with me, so I can use both hands on her jeans. And after a few more attempts they're undone and moving down her legs. Or they are at least enough to not be in the way. My fingers snake in her pants and under her underwear, to stroke her.

RACHEL

As he fumbles with my jeans, I feel a small laugh escape me, releasing some of the tension built up inside. Finally he pulls us both so that we’re on our sides, trying to make better use of his clumsy hands. I smile as I graze my lips affectionately against the skin of his jaw, his cheek. Then he manages to get my pants halfway off and before I know what’s happening, his fingers have reached between my legs. I moan and shudder beneath his touch, reciprocating with my own hand sliding up and down the length of his shaft. 

PAUL

I'm trying to focus. And she's placing light kisses against my jaw and cheek. It's not helping. And then she laughs. And even though I know that she's laughing at me, I love the sound. And it makes me laugh too, which does alleviate some of the tension. Her hand keeps up a steady stroke. And I groan against her lips before kissing them. My thumb moving up to rub against her sensitive bundle of nerves.

RACHEL

I smile at the sound of his laughter. It makes me feel so warm. He gives a low, heavy groan against my lips, and I take that as encouragement. When his thumb begins to tease my most sensitive spot, I can’t help but let out a moan of my own. I keep up my pace for a while longer before quickening it, and then allowing myself to kiss him with reckless abandon, melting into him completely, communicating my love for him without words. I love him. Love him with every fibre of my being. And I’ll never stop loving him. Ever. 

PAUL

She moans back, almost as if in answer to my own. And there's just something about knowing I inspire that reaction in her that swells my ego, when I try not to let it. Her pace is becoming faster now and she's kissing me with reckless abandon. And I can't help but reply in kind. But I also know that if she doesn't back off soon, I'm going to go over the edge very soon. If she wants me inside of her this time, then now's the time. "Rach, I'm close," I murmur against her lips as I can get the words out, my own pace quickening.

RACHEL

He whispers that he’s close. I remove my hand before rolling onto my back again, pulling him with me, my lips still moving with his like there’s no tomorrow. And there may not be. I wrap my arms around him, beckoning him to make this night complete, to make love to me. “I’m yours, Paul,” I whisper softly, silently begging him to fulfill my aching need for him.

PAUL

"I could only belong to you," I whisper to her before returning her kiss as I removed her pants and underwear and slid into her slowly, taking her, making her mine. My hips rocked along with hers. Slow and gentle. I wanted every touch, every stroke to convince her of my love for her. "I love you," I whispered in her ear.

RACHEL

He promises himself to me, and then proceeds to claim me. And everything about this is as perfect as it could ever be. Having him inside me, moving gently, bringing me closer and closer to the edge with each stroke, it’s like being drowned in his love. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. “I love you too,” I whisper back, burying my face in the crook of his neck. “I love you so much.” I want him to know it. And be sure of it, have no doubt of it. And I want him to remember that when he leaves tomorrow.

PAUL

She says that she loves me too so much. And then buries her face in my neck. And I lean down, burying my face in her neck, placing teasing kisses there. Then sucking on her neck. She would have more than one hicky to sport proudly tomorrow. But I don't think either of us cared that much about it right now. She felt amazing. But I didn't want to ruin any of this with talk that might be too crude. I just wanted her. And her love.

RACHEL

I moan softly against his skin, breathing in deeply. I’m loving every touch, every kiss, every feeling. And I’m loving him, for every effort he’s putting into this to make this perfect and special. I reciprocate with kisses of my own, trailing them down and along his shoulder. I wish tomorrow never comes. I wish we could stay like this together forever, in complete ignorance of everything else, just enjoying being close.

PAUL

"I wish that I could stay here with you forever," I whispered into her ear. Even if it did sound a little cheesy it was still the absolute truth. I would be content for the sun to never rise. For us to stay here together forever. To never go off to war. To never risk losing her, or destroying her. I knew it would destroy her if I didn't come back. And I would never want that. Even from beyond I wouldn't be able to bear witnessing her in pain.

RACHEL

I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to spoil this precious moment we have with my silly tears. But his words intensify the ache that’s been growing in my chest. I wish that too. So much. And now we both have doubts about our forever. “I’ll be waiting for you, Paul,” I whisper back, refusing to believe that my wait will be in vain. I don’t even want to entertain the possibility that he may return to me lifeless. I don’t know how I would survive if that happened.

PAUL

"I'll come back to you," I tell her, feeling sure of it now. I can't not make it back. I want to have hundreds more precious moments like this one. I'm not gonna do anything to make me miss out on them. Nothing at all. I wanted a life with her. And I was gonna have it. No matter what. I felt the pressure building, and I quickened my pace just a little, hoping to lead us both to release.

RACHEL

He promises. This time, he promises to come back. I nod wordlessly. And I hold on desperately to that promise. He can’t leave me behind. We have so much left to live for. As his rhythm starts to pick up speed, I let out a low moan, feeling myself being drawn closer and closer to my climax. I grip onto him tighter as I anticipate taking the fall.

PAUL

She holds on to me tighter and I can tell that she's close. I'm close too. So close. I kiss her neck some more as I pick up the pace even more. My hand going down to rub her sensitive nub. I feel her walls clenching before they clamp down tightly on me, and I feel the vibrations move through her body as she goes over the edge. And I followed soon after. "I love you," I whispered for what seemed like the millionth time. But I couldn't say it enough. And I didn't want her to doubt it or forget. I rolled off of her, pulling her into my arms, her head to my chest, stroking her hair, as I lay feeling dazed.

RACHEL

After what feels like the most beautiful experience I’ve ever shared with him, I let him pull me into his arms, allowing myself to sink comfortably into his embrace. I close my eyes and rest my cheek on his bare chest, breathing in his scent, so warm and characteristically Paul. I hold onto him tightly. He tells me that he loves me, like an emphasis, a reassurance. “I know you do, Paul,” I reply softly. “And I love you too.”

PAUL

She says that she knows I love her. And then she assures me that she loves me. "I know you do, Rach," I echo her statement. And then I grin down at her. "So when we get married, what kind of dress do you want to wear," I asked her. I wanted to play pretend. I wanted to see it. I wanted to know what it would look like. In case I never saw it. As well as to cement to her that I was serious about us building a life together. And we could start now.

RACHEL

That’s good. He’d better know it. And he’d better remember it too. Then he takes me by surprise, bringing up our wedding again. I look up at him, my chin resting on his chest. He looks serious about it. I start to smile again. “Mom’s,” I answer him without hesitation. “My mother’s wedding dress. Rebecca said I could have it, because it was too painful for her to wear it herself. But I’d kind of like to feel close to Mom on our wedding day.” 

I trace my finger along his arm as I start to describe the dress to him. “It’s a really nice dress, too. Vintage style, off-shoulder sleeves, lace trimmings.” I grin a little, looking up at him. “What do you think?”

PAUL

She says that she wants to wear her mom's dress. And I think I love her even more. I love that family is really important to her. Just like it is to me. I love that she would never abandon them. Or let anyone hurt them. And I know that it extends to my family too. And so does my own loyalty. I nod as she explains the dress to me. Honestly I don't know what half the thing's she's saying means. Vintage? I get off the shoulders. But does that mean that there are still sleeves?

She asks what I think and I pause as if imagining it. But I can't. What I imagine is a little crazy. But I know she'll look gorgeous in anything. "I think that's a great idea," I tell her honestly, "It sounds beautiful, Rach. But honestly I don't care if you wear a sack, so long as you go through with it." The last bit is a tease. "Where should we get married?" Did she want to marry here? In a church? Outside? Did she want a destination wedding?

RACHEL

He seems to like the idea, but he does look a little confused about the dress. I laugh softly. That’s okay. He’s allowed be clueless about girlish things. “I am most certainly not going to wear a sack on my wedding day,” I tell him, smacking him affectionately. Then he asks where I think we should get married. And I have to admit I’m liking this talk. It puts us in the future. It gives us a future. “I don’t know. I’ve always kind of imagined a simple outdoor wedding to be nice. But I don’t really mind. How about you?”

PAUL

I grin at her. I like how this talk is going. And I like that it's making her smile. Making her happy. She says she wants an outdoor wedding. I grin even wider. "That sounds perfect," I say to her. "We could do it at one of our spots in the woods," I suggest to her, "And we could wait for the spring, so that it's warm. I'd hate to have you freezing on your day." I kiss her nose. "Who would be your maid of honor?" I ask her curiously. I know she's really close to her twin. But I also know that now she's really close to the wolf girls too. I'm just curious which she would chose. Rebecca, Emily, or Kim? Or maybe she'd shock me with someone completely different.

RACHEL

I feel my eyes light up at his suggestion. A wedding at one of our spots in the woods. It would be so beautiful and absolutely perfect, exchanging our vows in a place that’s special to us. Then he mentions having it in the spring, which surprises me. That wouldn’t make it too far away at all. But I’m not sure if he means this spring or just spring in general, one of these years, and I don’t want to keep my hopes up. Whenever it happens, I just want the reassurance that it will indeed happen for us. “Sounds perfect,” I tell him as I smile at the mental image he’s painted in my head.

Then he asks about my maid of honour, who I’d like it to be. And honestly, while there are a number of special people I can think of, I already know who it’s going to be. “Yup,” I reply, nodding against his chest. “Mandy.” I know the natural choice would be my own sister. When we were little, we promised that whoever got married first, the other would be her maid of honour. But neither of us really wanted to be the matron of honour because it sounded to us like an old, box-shaped, grandmother. 

And even though we’ve grown up since then and I know Rebecca wouldn’t mind in the slightest, I think it would mean a whole lot more to Mandy. I know Paul didn’t see that one coming. “It was when we had that little chat about her and Brady and stuff,” I explain to him with a grin, recalling how the conversation went. And, in a way, I felt like it would reinforce her faith in the imprint, to see me and Paul at our happiest. Kim and Emily have, after all, already fully embraced their destinies. “We sort of mentioned it in passing. I’ll have to check with her again though.”

I like this picture even more now. Because it has both Paul and Mandy in it. Which means that both of them have to survive. Them, along with my brother and the rest of the pack. I don’t care how unrealistic it might be, I just want them all there on my wedding day. “What about you, have you thought about who’s going to be your best man yet?” I ask him curiously.

PAUL

"Mandy." Wait? Did I just hear her right? Mandy? She chooses Mandy? My immature 14 year old sister who thinks everything is fun and games to be her maid of honor. The one who's supposed to keep her together and help her with everything? I stare at her stunned. If we were gonna be completely honest right now, I wasn't sure Mandy was coming back. And that thought tore me apart. Or if she did it would be because of me, Brady, or both. And it might be the end of us trying to keep the unfocused spazz out of trouble. She had been trying more, and ever since their little chat Rachel had kept telling me to have more faith in her. Saying that she did take it seriously and that she was more focused than I thought. And that I would see it later, probably in the fight. That it was just hard for her to train seriously or something. I was hoping that it was true. She explains that this decision also came from that conversation. But I can't lie. Her choice makes me over the moon kinds of happy and I can't stop smiling. It gives me a little hope that Mandy will survive. "I think she'd love that," I say to her, kissing her lightly.

And then she asks about my best man and I chuckle a little. "Honestly I was thinking either Sam or Jared," I explain. I was kinda gonna go with the opposite of whichever imprint she chose. But this was a curve ball. And I didn't know if it would be right to split the couples all up because I was sure that Rebecca, Emily, and Kim would be in her wedding party. The obvious decision was to reciprocate. And pick Jake. After all despite all of my misgivings I knew she would insist to have the half-breed be her flower girl. Probably along with Claire. And that this would mean that the whole pack of blood suckers that she now shared the same affinity for as Seth and Jacob would be invited as well. But Jake and I had never been friends. And almost spitefully since he brought the potential danger of vampire into Rachel's world, I wanted to limit his involvement. Although he'd still probably end up all in it with his whole tie to the vampire kid. "But maybe I'll consider one of the other wolves, you know, one of the unimprinted, or baby imprinted ones," I said to her. And despite my better judgment. Despite the fact that I didn't trust him, didn't know if I wanted him in charge of Rachel's ring and all of my wedding worries. I said it anyway. "Maybe Jake." Ironically the idea to pick Brady had never surfaced since he and Mandy always tried to hurt each other. It would just turn our wedding into a three ring circus.

RACHEL

He looks completely stunned by the fact that I would choose Mandy. He still sees her as a child whose only interest is in fooling around. And he’s right, she is still a kid. A kid who’s been forced into something so much bigger than herself. It was the same with all of them. But from the time I’ve spent with her, I really think Mandy can handle a lot more than he thinks, that regardless of what he says she is trying to live up to everyone’s expectations. It’s just that it’s hard for her to rein in that rambunctious personality of hers. I wouldn’t expect Mandy to do too much for me, I know I can handle most of the bigger things on my own. I just thought that by asking her to be my maid of honour, it would maybe help her find some sense of responsibility without the pressure of all the wolves hanging over her head.

Just like I thought, he goes for Sam or Jared. But then he seems to think it over and then says he might consider one of the others. Probably because he wouldn’t want to keep them away from their imprints. And it’s fair enough, the day is supposed to be all about love after all. What surprises me, though, is his mention of Jake. I giggle softly. “I appreciate the thought,” I tell him, leaning up to plant a quick kiss on his jaw. I know exactly what’s on his mind. Jacob’s the last person he would choose. But it warms my heart that he would consider him as an attempt to please me. “But you don’t have to do that. Ask Jacob, I mean. Whoever you decide on, I’m all for it.” Honestly, I do wish Paul and Jacob would find a way to get along better. But something tells me that the less time they spend around each other, the better. I don’t want them to be stepping all over each other’s toes the whole time leading up to the wedding when it’s supposed to be a happy event. All I really want is for my loved ones to be there.

PAUL

I grin at her. Glad that she would understand my hesitancy to pick Jacob. But also glad that it made her happy that I would consider it anyway. Score one for Paul. I kissed her again. "Good because I'm not sure having Jake would serve to keep me calm," I tease her. I pull her closer. "So who else should be in this wedding?" I don't want to make a single decision without her. And I know not everyone can be in the wedding. But I want everyone to be there. Even the killjoys. Like Leah. "I want everyone to come," I tell her honestly, figuring that there's no reason to hold that back.

RACHEL

He seems so relieved that I’m not going to force him to pick Jacob. I giggle again. “Yeah, we wouldn’t want you wolfing out of your tux,” I tease him back, patting his chest affectionately. He asks me who else should be there, and shares his own opinion with me. He wants everyone to come. And it echoes my own sentiments. I want everyone to be there to share our joy. “Me too,” I reply with a smile, already imagining the day. “Your family. My family.”

PAUL

I smile when she agrees with wanting everyone there. "I want everyone to know how lucky I am," I tell her, nuzzling her nose with mine. "I want everyone to see that I got the most beautiful girl in the world," I tell her, "And the sweetest. And the most loving." I give her a small kiss between each compliment. "I want the whole world to know how much I love you."

RACHEL

I laugh softly as he leans down to nuzzle my nose with his, showering me with the sweetest compliments, telling me that he wants the whole world to know how much he loves me. I smile under each little kiss. “And I want them all to know that I got the biggest jerk in the world,” I tease him, leaning up to kiss him back. “But he’s the best, handsomest, warmest, most loving jerk ever. Wouldn’t trade him in for anything.” I hug him tightly before whispering more seriously for the millionth time tonight, “I love you, Paul.”

I sigh as I curl up against him, feeling the rise and fall of his chest. I wish I didn’t have to break away from this fantasy. But I have to, if I ever want to see it become reality. “You should get some sleep,” I tell him softly, reaching up to stroke his cheek. I want him well rested for whatever comes tomorrow.

PAUL

Shortly after that she falls asleep. I watched her for as long as I could and then I fell asleep. I woke the next morning before her. And I didn't have the heart to wake her while she looked so peaceful. So off I went to war with a kiss on the forehead.

We went and spent the night on what would be our battlefield in the snow. Alice knew about when it would happen and told us before she skipped out on us. We waited on the battlefield for most of the day before the Volturi even arrived. And in the end there was no fight. They lit one dumb vamp bitch on fire. Lost most of their supporters. And were no match for all of us and our other vampire covens joining us in battle. Especially after Alice showed up with other half-breeds to prove that Nessie wasn't an immortal child, but actually growing. The Volturi left. And once we knew for sure it was safe, so did we. And I raced to Sam and Emily's, where everyone would be waiting, to see Rachel.


	14. Homecoming

RACHEL

We’ve been waiting. Waiting anxiously, and worrying. At first we tried to really pull together, all of us. Dad, Emily, Kim, Paul’s mom, and everyone else who was here. We talked about our fears, our concerns, and worried, and for a while it worked. But as time passed, we each seemed to slip into our own little world, and all we really wanted was for the wait to end so that we could see our loved ones again.

It feels like it’s been forever since Paul and I made love. I find myself desperately clinging to everything we talked about, our wedding day, to keep holding onto the faith that he’ll return. 

And then I hear a shuffle of activity around me. Emily rises to her feet. I look up too, my eyes darting towards the window to catch a glimpse of anything going on outside. And that’s when I see him. Like I did in my daydream, running towards me. I let out a squeal as I burst out of the house and it takes all my willpower to just stand there, outside the door. I stand there, watching with tears in my eyes as he comes back to me.

PAUL

I can hear her squeal from inside the house and it makes me smile. I can't wait to see her either. I push myself to run harder. Faster. I feel the burn in my muscles, the strain that comes with continuing to pull air in and out of my lungs. I just can't seem to get to her fast enough. And for the large part, I know that if we were sharing a mind, the rest of the pack would feel that way too. Happiness to be back home to our loved ones would be filling all of us to the brim. Jared beats me up the stairs to hold his crying Kim who doesn't even have to say words for me to realize that he's in for wild times. It still blows my mind how Kim cannot say two words to us, but she can be such a tiger in the sack. I give Jared a look that says lucky man and Kim turns beet red. All around me, everyone's reuniting with their loved ones. Mandy flies to mom. And Brady picks Jenny up, holding her tightly.

And then I finally reach Rachel. I scoop her up into my arms and pick her up off of the ground and into my arms, twirling her slightly. "It's so good to be back," I whisper to her, wiping away her tears, knowing I'm crying my own. I kiss her softly. "Don't cry, baby," I try to reassure her. "Everything worked out fine. We didn't even really have to fight."

RACHEL

There’s an explosion of emotion all around me as they all start coming home, but all I can think about, all I can focus on is Paul as he comes running towards me. It feels like a lifetime before he gets here. And then he does, and I’m in his arms again. My Paul’s arms. He tries to wipe my tears away, but they’re flowing like a river. I reach up and touch his cheek, studying his face, making sure he’s not the slightest bit hurt. And he assures me that everything worked out okay and that there wasn’t even any real fight. 

I feel my heart burst with relief. I bury my face in the crook of his neck, holding onto him as tightly as I can, sobbing as I feel all the fear and tension melt away. I never want to let him go again. For a while, I just hold him, and let him hold me. When I finally pull back, I look deep into his eyes. “You kept your promise,” I whisper, smiling through my tears. And then I lean back in, pressing my lips to his.

PAUL

"Of course I did," I say to her gently. I don't want her thinking I go around making promises that I can't keep. Even though this could have been one that I would break. If there had actually been fighting. I pull back to look down at her. I lean into her ear and whisper. "So I guess we only have a few months to get this wedding planned."

RACHEL

My heart melts at the look in his eyes, so full of love, love that I never honestly thought could be mine before I met him. I close my eyes as he leans in to whisper in my ear. And then my eyes shoot open again. I pull back to stare at him in wide-eyed surprise. I know we talked about our wedding. And that he said he wanted to have it in springtime. And while I would’ve been content to have any future with him at all, no matter when it took place, well, yes, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t hoping it would be this spring. But to hear him actually say it, to know that it’s exactly what he wants too, blows me away. Half-smiling, I look at him questioningly, as if to ask him, Really? 

PAUL

She looks so shocked. Isn't that what we discussed? Spring time? I laugh softly at her questioning look. And I nod without hesitation. If this whole ordeal has shown me anything, it's how important her and her love is in my life. And it's not something I'm willing to lose. Or something I want to live without. And it makes me eager to make it official. "Yes, really," I answer her unspoken question, "In the spring time. Just like we said."

RACHEL

I hear him confirm it, with more conviction than ever. Spring time. Like we said. I feel my smile break all the way and I burst into peals of happy laughter, my arms tightening around him as I hug him close. Then I pull back and nod, unable to stop smiling. “Spring time,” I affirm. “Can’t wait.” I can’t wait to make it official. To be his wife. To embrace our forever.


	15. Wedding Plans

PAUL

We had been talking about the wedding for a while now. And most things we could agree on. Mandy would be the maid of honor. Embry would be my best man. The other bridesmaids and groomsmen. We were in agreement. But then she had suggested involving Nessie and Claire as flower girls. And Claire I was all for. She was adorable. And then she could stand up front with her Cookie. But Nessie we had argued over. But I had caved. It was now that we were finally talking about monetary logistics. And right now she looked scared to say what was on her mind. "What is it Rach?" I asked her, trying to put her at ease, but feeling a little nervous myself about what she might have to say.

RACHEL

From the beginning, I made a promise to myself to not let this whole wedding thing get stressful. I keep reminding myself of the big picture. At the end of the day, what really matters is that Paul and I are going to say our vows and get married and spend the rest of our lives together. And for the most part, I’ve succeeded. We’ve been able to agree on most things, and where we couldn’t agree we could compromise.

But now I’m beginning to wonder how this is going to work financially. Even though we’re trying to keep it simple, I know we’re going to end up with a hole in our pockets. After all, Paul doesn’t earn much with his job. And since moving back here, I’ve had to take on a position with less pay then I was getting back in California. I do have savings from then that would be enough to cover most of the expenses, but since the Cullens let me know of their offer, it’s been making me uneasy. Part of me doesn’t want to accept it, for Paul’s sake. But another part of me believes that there really wouldn’t be any harm in it, considering the Cullens have way more than they could ever spend on their own, and it’s okay to admit that we need help every now and then. Plus, they are family. So I’m thinking that instead of letting them pay for it, we could at least take it as a loan. I just don’t know how Paul’s going to take the idea. I’m pretty sure he would hate to owe them anything.

So when he asks, I hesitate before answering. “Don’t get mad, okay?” I tell him quietly, always afraid that he’ll overreact. I pause for a moment. “I was with Jacob and the Cullens today. They kind of… made us an offer.” 

PAUL

I take a deep breath. I hate that she spends so much time with The Cullens. Hell, if we're gonna be honest, I hate that she calls them The Cullens. And I'm almost positive that I'm not gonna like what comes next. I don't even know what it will be, but I instinctively want to avoid it. I try to remind myself that it's her day, and so I have to kind of let her have the reigns. I have to let her tell me. And I probably have to suck it up and let the pixie like one pick my clothes or something else. But I could do that for Rach.

I take another deep breath. "Alright, let's hear it," I say, trying to keep my voice neutral.

RACHEL

He takes a deep breath, and I take a deep breath, looking down at my hands, picking my nails. Maybe this was a bad idea. I could still back out of it and just not tell him anything. I could get back to them and say no, it’s fine, we can handle it. And Paul will never have to know. 

But if we’re going to be a married couple, then shouldn’t we be able to handle this kind of thing? Even the things that are hard to discuss? “Well…” I look up at him and I can see that the very mention of them already has him agitated. My glance shies away from his again. “They kind of… offered to help with the… expenses…”

PAUL

If it had been anyone else. If it had been anyone in the pack. Or Charlie. Anyone else. I would have been touched. I may have even said yes. But it's them. It's the pack of leeches. And that just burns and leaves a sour taste in my mouth. It's my mortal enemies. And they can do better for Rach than I can. That's what burns the most. And it leaves me feeling inadequate. Like I can't provide what she needs. What she wants. I want to be her everything. I want to be her hero. And they are trying to take that from me.

"No," I answer her coldly, shaking my head.

RACHEL

I shudder a little just from the tone of his voice. I nod quietly, accepting his answer. But somehow that just isn’t enough for me. I know that they’re vampires and that really bugs him a lot, but at the end of the day, they are my family now and it’s not like they’re evil or anything. “But why though?” I ask him quietly. “Would it be so bad to accept a little help?”

PAUL

She nods. And I think that she's accepting my answer. And I feel bad for having snapped at her. For having used such a cold tone. I begin to reach out for her hand. But then she asks why and I pull my hand away as if I were burned and then I rise from the couch and walk away from her. I can't sit next to her while she wants to lean on them. While she's looking to them for support instead of me.

"I don't want to have to owe them for this, okay?" I say them as if it's a dirty word. I don't want to know that the only reason I could even marry the girl of my dreams is because of their money. If it came to that, I'd rather not get married.

RACHEL

When he pulls away from me, like he can’t stand to be near me, I feel hurt. I try to remind myself that it’s not me he’s made at, it’s the Cullens that he detests. But is he going to spend forever hating them, when they are essentially a part of my family, and will be a part of his? 

I struggle to stay calm myself, knowing that if I let myself get upset too, this will all explode and end up going nowhere. I try to reason with him. “It’s not like it’s charity, Paul. Do you have to be so against them for trying to be nice?”

PAUL

Her words feel like a slap to the face. She wants me to say yes. She wants me to admit that I can't do this, that I can't handle it on my own. She wants me to say that I need their help. Their help. My face contorts at the idea. I'll never hear the end of it from Jake. How I owe him somehow for my wedding to Rachel. "They aren't trying to be nice, Rach," I try to argue, but I know that they are. 

I start to walk out of the room saying as I go. "I wish what I could give you was good enough, Rach."

RACHEL

He insists that I’ve got it wrong, and then he turns to leave. I feel the muscles in my body tense at his behaviour. “Hey, stop being so unreasonable, will you?” I say to him as I get up and walk after him, unwilling to let this go. I can feel some of the anger seeping into my tone. If we’re going to argue this one out, we might as well go all the way. “You know that’s not what I meant.” 

Or maybe he doesn’t. Knowing him, he probably believes that that’s exactly what I meant. But it’s not true. I would never belittle him. I’m not saying that his efforts aren’t good enough. I would have absolutely no problems with roughing this wedding out if it came to that. But right now it’s about principle, and how he’s regarding their kindness as some sort of threat to our relationship, as if he has that little faith in us. In me. “It’s just that a little help isn’t going to hurt anyone. And like it or not, they’re my family. Not everyone’s out to get you, Paul.”

PAUL

I wish with every fiber of my being that they weren't her family. That would make things so much easier. And ease my worrying. Every time she goes over there all I can think about is how it will end badly. "It's not the help, Rach," I say to her honestly, "It's who it's from. And what it means. Do you have any idea how bad I feel already for having to tell you that we can't do certain things? Things I know you want? Do you have any idea how much it hurts to tell you you can't have your perfect wedding? Your dream wedding? And do you have any idea how much it hurts that they can give you that and I can't? And that we all know it. We all know that I'm failing you where it counts the most."

RACHEL

I cringe at his words. At how much he’s letting this hurt him when it shouldn’t. At how badly he’s taking all of this. And at how shallow he’s taking me to be, that I would place all the material aspects of our wedding above what it really represents. I fold my arms, staring at him in disbelief. “How long have you known me for, Paul?” I ask him, frowning. He doesn’t answer. “Do you really think that just because we have to forego a few things I would consider our wedding any less perfect? My dream wedding is to promise myself to the man I love, Paul. Not the Cullens.” I turn my face away from him, unable to look at him when he’s being this foolish. “And if they want to help make that happen then I couldn’t be more grateful, but it’s not like saying yes to their help is going to mean I’m marrying myself off to them, Paul. Because that’s what you’re making it sound like.”

PAUL

Rachel says that it doesn't mean that she's marrying herself to them. But that's partly what it feels like. It feels like she has a choice and she's choosing them. "I just, I don't want you to have to forgo anything," I say to her, trying to make her see. "And it kills me that they can give you what I can't." I know in the end, I'll say yes. We'll take their money and I'll feel like less because of it. But it'll make her happy. And that's all that truly matters. "It just feels like I'd have to give them a piece of our day. Of your day. And I don't want to."

RACHEL

Truthfully, I do love him for it, this constant desire to fulfill my every whim and fancy. I could never resent him for his complete dedication to me. But the thing is, it’s just starting to sound like it’s more important to his ego than anything else. Like it matters more that he doesn’t want me to forgo anything, than it does that I’m perfectly willing to. And then there’s the fact that we’re talking about the Cullens here, and how he’s practically admitting that he really does think it would be like I’d be giving myself to them. He makes it seem like I’d be selling my soul to them or something. I shake my head.

“But isn’t that part of what a wedding entails, Paul? Sharing our day, our happiness, with the people around us?” But I know that’s the part he hates. He hates that they are included in ‘the people around us’. He doesn’t want to have to share our day with the vampires he hates so much, and like it or not I understand. I understand that it would make him feel inadequate to let them fulfill something that he can’t. I know that I wouldn’t have the heart to insist anyway, since it would really make him feel that bad. It’s just the principle of it, though. I sigh a little, feeling exasperated but not really wanting to drag out this fight. I don’t want it to ruin all that’s special about this. I move away from him and back to the couch. “Okay, okay, I get your point. Forget I even mentioned it.”

PAUL

And she agrees. She lets it go. She doesn’t even act begrudgingly towards me. She just accepts it. And doesn't bring it up again. And neither do I, though it stays on my mind. I know she wants it. I know she wants these things. I just know it. And the fact that she's willing to give them up means so much to me. But the fact remains that she shouldn't. I should have never asked her to. And we're discussing the wedding again. And I rest my forehead in my hands as I'm asking her to scale something down again.

"Maybe we should call the Cullens. Or I could talk to Jake. I'm sure they'd still be willing to give us that money..." I say to her.

RACHEL

I stare at him in surprise when he mentions the Cullens. After the other day, I thought we’d both assumed that the discussion was closed. There’s no way he’s ever going to accept help from his sworn enemies, family or no family. And to hear him suggest them now, even talking to Jake whom I know he isn’t best of friends with, it just clearly spells desperate. And I don’t want that. I don’t want our wedding to be based on this feeling of indebtedness.

He lowers his forehead into his hands and I feel myself smile a little at how he wants to make this absolutely perfect for me. And to be honest, that alone is all I need from him. “Aww, it’s okay, honey, there’s no need for that,” I tell him softly, gently rubbing his back. “We’ll just go with that other package. I don’t mind, it still looks good to me.”

PAUL

She's settling. She's willing to settle. But I don't want to settle. I don't want her to settle either. I don't want to think that she's settling when it comes to anything in our future. I sigh. Does she not understand how hard it was for me to say that? And as she's trying to comfort me, and trying to settle, it's like a rejection of my olive branch. "Rach, I don't want you to settle with this one," I point to the one that she says looks fine to her. "I want you to get the best." God, if I couldn't give her the best now, how could I ever. Maybe we shouldn't be getting married. I was bound to only repeatedly fail her.

"Look, we can make this day so much better if we just tell them we've thought about it and we would like their help."

RACHEL

I don’t understand. The other day he was totally adamant on saying no to them, refusing to so much as budge so that he could protect his male pride. And I went along with it. It’s not like I’ve been kicking up a fuss about it or anything, yet now that I’m telling him I’m fine with going for whatever’s within our means, he goes and insists that we go crawling back to the Cullens. After all that trouble I had to go to to turn them down politely. 

I smack his arm lightly before planting a kiss on his jaw. “Come on, Paul, don’t be silly. I know you don’t want me to miss out on anything, and I won’t, I am perfectly happy with taking that one.” He looks at me as if he’s been stung. “Paul!”

PAUL

She says that she's perfectly happy with taking the smaller package. And I flinch. This is supposed to make her the happiest. Nothing should compare. She shouldn't be mildly perfectly happy. And I want to give her that. Even if what I have to do to do that goes against every fiber of my being. "No, baby," I say to her gently, kissing her on the cheek. "I like this one better too," I gesture to the more expensive package. "We should have that one. So you and I will go to the Cullens. I'll explain. I'll take the blame. And then we'll get what we need." I want to tell her to do it, to demand it, but I don't want to fight about our wedding any more.

RACHEL

He leans in and plants a kiss on my cheek. Now he’s confusing me. He’s still insisting on it. Like he’s absolutely dying to kowtow to the Cullens. He says that we will go to the Cullens and just do it. Take advantage of the kindness that we already know they’re willing to give. “Absolutely not,” I say, shaking my head incredulously. “We don’t need it, Paul. We can do just fine without it.” He actually looks hurt by my words, but I just don’t get this change of heart. I thought he was the one who hated the idea about going to them in the first place. “No, Paul,” I tell him firmly, putting my foot down. “Now you promise me you’re not going to go bother the Cullens about this, okay?”

PAUL

She makes me promise not to go to the Cullens. "I promise," I say quietly, feeling like an even bigger failure now. I get it. Boy do I get it. I should have agreed originally. But I was afraid and selfish and pig headed like I always am. And I saw the right thing to do too late. And now she won't accept it. And I couldn't make it up to her. At all. In any way.


	16. Hey Paul, Meet Rebecca

RACHEL

We haven’t talked about the Cullens since, with the exception of Nessie, who’s going to be involved in the ceremony. She and Claire are going to be the most adorable flower girls ever, I just don’t know how Paul could ever deny it. The wedding is only days away, and I’m more excited than ever to finally see it happen. So when my sister shows up, I practically attack her, gushing about how happy I am. I can’t help it. I’m positively thrilled. And Rebecca’s always been the one to know me inside out, to really understand everything going on inside my head.

After exchanging hugs and greetings with her husband and the kids, Rebecca sends them off to the diner, suggesting a drive around afterwards so that we can have some alone time for a while before Paul shows up. We sit and chat for the longest time, and I show her everything we have planned, and then she asks me about Paul. And my eyes light up instantly at the mere mention of his name. She can see how deeply in love I am with this man.

A couple of hours on, she teases me for going on for so long. Only then do I realise that I’ve lost track of time, and that I need to shower and get dressed before Paul shows up. She swats me off and says she’ll be fine down here, so I quickly run off to do my thing, leaving her downstairs on the couch.

PAUL

I get off from patrol and I head home to shower and dress nice for my night with Rachel tonight. When I get to her house, I don't bother knocking, I just let myself in. It's been like that ever since the night before the big battle that didn't really happen.

I stop in my tracks when I see her on the couch. I smile. "Hey, baby," I say to her. She looks as gorgeous as ever. But something isn't right. I don't feel the pull to her. I feel like I'm looking at any old girl when I look at her. And that sets me to panicking. I mean I still love Rach. I'm still gonna marry her. But what happened to our imprint. Can an imprint truly break? I mean I can't tell her. Does it mean that I'll re-imprint. I don't want to. I want Rach. And I can't destroy her like that. I don't even want to imagine her being cold and hard and sarcastic and distant like Leah. And what is that weird smell? Where's her coconut and lime smell?

RACHEL

I take my time with the shower, wanting to be at my best for tonight. After getting out, I throw on my bathrobe and start drying my hair off with my towel. But then I catch a glimpse of Paul from the window and I can’t contain myself. I head downstairs, still working on my hair as I go. When I get to the living room, I see Paul standing there, smiling at my sister. And Rebecca looks a little stunned, like she’s about to speak but can’t. She must be blown away by how hot he is. 

“Oh, good, you’ve met,” I say with a wide smile as I walk up to him and plant a kiss on his lips. “Aww, get a room!” Rebecca teases me. I throw her a sheepish grin. “Sorry Becks. Paul, Becky. Becky, Paul.” I make the introductions, but honestly it’s only too obvious either way.

PAUL

And then Rachel’s amazing coconut and lime smell wafts to me. And I feel the pull. But it was so delayed. And Rach is looking at me like I'm crazy, and she's surprised. Then I realize why when I hear my Rachel's voice coming from behind me. I turn to see her, coming down the stairs. And seeing her, I know that even though they are identical. There's no way that her sister compares to her. I give her the biggest smile I've ever shared as relief floods me that we still share our bond, our love. And she explains that I've met her sister. Becky. I kiss Rach back with maybe a bit more passion than is appropriate for an audience.

Then I look at Becky. "Sorry about earlier. Nice to meet you."

RACHEL

I raise an eyebrow at him and then at Rebecca when Paul apologises to her. “Earlier? What about earlier?” I ask them, confused. And then I recall the looks on their faces as I entered the room and realisation dawns on me. “You mean, you thought…” The sheepish look on his face confirms it for me, and I can’t help but laugh. It wouldn’t be the first time people have confused us for each other, so I don’t blame him at all. 

“You better make sure you marry the right girl this weekend, mister,” I tease him, tugging at his collar lightly as I lean in for another quick kiss. “Whoa!” Becky says, hands raised. “Taken.”

PAUL

Rachel laughs and all I do is blush even deeper. I can't believe that I made such a stupid mistake. And looking at them now. No offense to Rebecca. But she isn't as beautiful as my Rach, not by a long shot. "I'm sorry," I say sheepishly to both of them.

Then I grin down at Rach and shake my head. "I could never marry the wrong girl," I kiss her gently again. "You're the only girl I could ever love," I whisper. I know she knows it was a mistake. And I know she thought it was funny, but I still want to reassure her.

RACHEL

After having a little chat with Rebecca, Paul and I head out for our evening together, leaving Becky and her family to catch up with Dad. It seems like most of the time we’ve had together lately, we’ve spent it on planning the wedding. And even though I’ve been enjoying it, I’m also looking forward to some nice quality time alone with him. Besides, this is going to be our last real ‘date’ before we’re officially husband and wife.

We’ve just placed our orders, and now I couldn’t feel more relaxed. “One more day to go,” I say with a smile as I look across the table at the man I’m about to marry.

PAUL

She points out that we'll be married in one more day. And I can't help but grin at her. This is my dream. I love her. I can't wait for her to be my wife. "Excited?" I ask her. I hope she's as excited as I am. I'm thrilled. "I'm gonna miss you like crazy tomorrow night though," I say to her. "Are you sure we can't spend it together," I try to bargain, wondering if I should tell her about my fear of having lost our bond earlier or not.

RACHEL

He asks me if I’m excited. “Not at all,” I answer him teasingly, shaking my head, knowing that the huge smile on my face says it all. I’ve never been more excited about anything in my life. He says he’s going to miss me tomorrow night, and I have to admit that I’m going to miss him too. This morning I was second-guessing myself, thinking maybe we should just forget about the silly tradition. But it would seem right, though. It would make the next day seem that much more special . “I’m going to miss you too. But look at it this way, it’s just one night,” I say as I reach out to take his hand, a reassurance both to him and myself as well, because one night seems to long to me too. “One night, and then after that, forever.”

PAUL

"Forever," I promise her, kissing the back of her hand. And then I decide that I have to be honest with her. "Tonight when I saw Rebecca I was nervous we had lost our special bond. I panicked that we may have lost our forever," I tell her quietly. "I was so lost without you. Even for that single moment. I could never survive without you. I need you. So don't go getting bored of me or anything. K?"

RACHEL

He looks like he wants to say something, and then he does. He explains what happened earlier, saying that he thought that when he thought Rebecca was me, he panicked, thinking that the imprint was broken somehow. I wonder if that can really happen, but I don’t feel that it could, not with a bond this strong. I look at him, surprised at first, then touched. “Aww…” I feel bad for not having reminded him that Rebecca would be here, for not having warned him. I didn’t mean to give him a heart attack, but it really does spell out to me how much he means it. How much he really loves me. “Don’t worry, Paul, I’m not going anywhere,” I say to him as I bring his hand up to my cheek, cradling it close. And then I tease him slightly, “Looks like you’re stuck with me. You sure you know what you’re getting yourself into? Last chance.”

PAUL

My hand brushes over her cheek as she raises it up to her cheek. I grin at her teasing. "I'd rather be stuck with you than anybody else," I tell her honestly. I love her to pieces. I could never imagine even wanting someone else. "You could give me a thousand chances and I would never take them. I swear." I leaned over and kissed her gently.

RACHEL

I close my eyes for a moment as his lips brush against mine. It feels like heaven. He says he’s not taking that chance, or any that I might give him. He’d rather be with me. And I know that he means it, I can hear it in his tone, I can see it in his eyes. “Good,” I say with a grin as he pulls back. “I was hoping you’d say that.”


	17. Wedding Bells

PAUL

The night without her is absolute torture. And I know from that one night that I never want to go without her for any reason. Not even for a moment. And now, I still have to wait. Brides get ready in bride's rooms. And grooms have their own rooms. And no amount of comfort from Sam, Jared, or Embry could give me any calm. I wouldn't be calm until I saw her and knew she was safe. I had made Jake swear to keep an eye on her and protect her while I was away. I had told him to leave the demon spawn be and watch out for my girl. As well as Mandy. They had both sworn that they would. And I knew that when Rachel arrived she'd be surprised, given the decoration, given the presence of the things that she wanted that she didn't think she could have. That we couldn't afford. I had gotten the money from the Cullens.

"Alright man, it's time," Jared said, clapping me on my back, and we left the makeshift enclosures that served as places to get ready near our spot in the woods. And I took my spot by the preacher to wait for my beautiful Rachel.

RACHEL

“Oh, come on, I just want to see him. Just a little peek? Please. No one will have to know,” I beg the girls, but none of them are taking me seriously. Emily laughingly scolds me for being too impatient. “But–” I start again. Mandy cuts me off. “No buts, Rach, you’ve only got, what, half an hour to go. Now sit still so I can get this pin in your hair.” I sulk a little, regretting the whole tradition thing after having stuck it out for hours, with just a few more minutes to go. I really miss him. But the pouting doesn't last long because I’m just way too excited.

The girls go about fussing over me some more, making sure that my hair is perfect, that my make-up’s good, that my dress is just right. I look at my reflection in the mirror. I smile a little at the sight of my mother’s wedding dress on me, a mermaid-cut ivory gown with short, off-the-shoulder tulle sleeves. I don’t think I look half as good in it as she must have, but I hope I can do it some justice today. If nothing else, it makes me feel like she’s here with me today.

Thirty minutes feels like a lifetime. But then it’s up, and I feel my heart pick up speed. All I can think of is that I can’t wait to see him. Jacob gives me a peck on the cheek, telling me I look gorgeous as he holds his arm out to me. We’d all agreed that it would be easier and just as meaningful for Jake to walk me down the aisle, to where Dad would be waiting to give me away. 

Nessie and Claire go first, followed by the others in line. But as Jake and I draw closer, I realise that things aren’t the way I thought they were going to be. Mandy had already told me that everything was all set and exactly as we’d planned, but this isn’t what we had planned. This is what I dreamed of at first, maybe, but this plan was supposed to have been scrapped. I look around in surprise, taking in the lilies that I thought I wouldn’t have. Everything is exactly as it was in the dream that I discarded. Everything is perfect.

Then I see him at the end of the aisle, and I know this was all him. He must’ve sucked up his pride and gone to the Cullens himself, because he knew just how much I would love this. I can’t stop smiling, because it’s perfect and because he’s perfect. Seeing him now, beaming proudly, I know that the wait was completely worth it. He looks so incredibly handsome in his tux, his eyes shining with love. Our gazes meet, and as I begin to walk down the aisle, I just can’t tear my eyes away from his.

PAUL

I watch impatiently as all the other girls travel down the aisle. I'm itching to see her. And I'm ten seconds away from marching down this aisle and dragging her up here myself, when she appears. My mouth goes slack, and my eyes widen. My Rach is beautiful. She's the most gorgeous person in the world. And she looks amazing in her dress. I couldn't tell you the cut or style, or anything. Just that she looks great in it, and it draws attention to all the right assets. But today, until we start our honeymoon, I'm gonna try to spend more time on her timeless beauty than her nice rack. Though that is perfect too.

My eyes meet hers and I couldn't look away, even if I wanted to. I'm pulled in. And I want to move to meet her. But I know that I can't. I don't want to ruin her day, or steal her thunder. Thunder she greatly deserves. I can see her eyes smiling that things are just how she wanted them, and I give her a smile back. I love this woman. And it was even worth going to the Cullens. It was especially worth going to the Cullens to see her so happy.

When she reaches me, I take her hand and kiss the back of it. I want to kiss her. Desperately, but I know I have to wait. Until she's Mrs. Harwood before I can do that.

RACHEL

I lean down to give Dad a kiss on the cheek. He whispers I love you, and I know that he’s tearing up a little because of Mom’s dress. “Love you too Dad,” I tell him back, wanting him to know that I’ll always be his little girl no matter what. And then he smiles and hands me over to Paul, giving him a pointed look as if to say “You’d better take care of her”. 

When Paul kisses the back of my hand, I’m barely aware of anything else anymore. The preacher goes about his preaching, and it’s beautiful, but all I can think about is Paul, and how much I love him. I try to communicate that with him with my eyes, even though I’m sure he already knows it. And then finally it’s time for us to say our vows, with Paul going first. I’d told him I didn’t mind if we didn’t write our own vows, in case he might be embarrassed to speak so openly about his feelings in front of everyone. I know he’s not usually very comfortable with words. But he’d insisted, and I can’t help but wonder what he’s going to say, though I know I’ll love it regardless.

PAUL

Her dad gives me a look that says that I better take care of her. And so does Jake. I nod solemnly at both of them. Of course I will. How could I not? How could I not want to do everything in my power to keep her happy and safe. The whole time we're there, she's communicating how much she loves me with her eyes. And I'm trying to do the same.

Now it's time for me to make my vows to her though. And truth is, now I wish I hadn't insisted for our own vows. Now I wished I'd taken her up on going traditional. Saying I was gonna say something to all of these people about how much I loved her and actually doing it were two completely separate things.

I cleared my throat nervously, squeezing her hands to let her know that I needed her strength. She squeezed my hands back. And I pulled support from our shared gaze too.

"Ever since the first moment I saw you in the gas station, I knew that I was yours," I begin, "That I could only ever belong to you. And I couldn't have been happier. I mean you were beautiful and caring and selfless and kind and gentle. And all of this I figured out in one encounter, our first encounter. It was that day that I decided that if you would have me, I would marry you." I smile at her brightly, "And that I would spend the rest of my life figuring out all of your little quirks. Like that you really like to smack me when you think I'm being dumb." I teased her lightly. "And enjoying everything about you that makes you beautiful inside and out." I lock eyes with her. "And I'm gonna do just that. For the rest of my life. I'm going to learn everything about you. And share everything about me with you. And I'm going to do everything in my power to make you happy." I pulled her imperceptibly closer. "And I will love you, forever, with every breath I take and every beat of my heart."

RACHEL

I listen to every word he says, feeling so happy I feel like my heart might just explode. He tells me everything that he thinks of me, all the wonderful things that he thinks I am, and then says that he knew on the very first day we met that he wanted me. That he wanted to marry me. I feel tears prick my eyes, but they’re tears of joy. And when he teases me for always smacking him, a small giggle escapes my lips, and I hear all our guests laugh too. I hold his hands more tightly, wanting this more than ever now. I feel like the happiest woman on Earth. As he makes his vows to me, to love me forever, he pulls me so close that I have to stop myself from kissing him.

Then it’s my turn. I keep my eyes on his, still smiling, still in my little slice of heaven. “From the very beginning, you swept me off my feet. You met me when I was at my lowest, and then you helped me back up onto my feet, making sure I wouldn’t stumble, and if I ever did, making sure that you were there to catch me.” I rub the back of his hands with my thumbs. I want him to know that it’s not just gratitude. “I have never met a man so warm, so wonderful, so dumb sometimes,” I tease him back. “–but so loving, and so perfect for me.”

“You complete me in a way that nothing else ever could, and now I know why. You’re the other half of my soul. I never thought that love like this could exist, but you’ve proven me wrong. For the rest of my life, I want to go to bed in the comfort of your arms and wake up in the morning knowing that you’ll be the first thing I see. I love you more than I can even begin to describe, Paul, so I’m not even going to try and describe it. I just want to spend the rest of forever showing you what I mean.”

PAUL

Her words are sweet and true, just like Rachel. And they touch me. Strike a chord, if you will. Her words leave me longing to pull her closer and leave me with tears in my eyes. Tears. I'm crying tears in front of all of these people. And I don't care because all I'm aware of anymore is my Rachel. "I love you so much, baby," I whisper. I don't care that it's not my turn to talk. I don't care that there's an audience. I don't care that all of my words just said all of that. I don't care if I'm breaking every wedding rule in history. Because I need to say it.

We're brought back to reality by the priest. As we exchange our rings. And truth is, I'm just itching to get to the next part, the part that feels like it takes an eternity. And then finally, he says the magic words. "You may kiss the bride."

And so I do. I sweep her into my arms, pulling her body impossibly close to mine as I kiss her breathless, more than is probably appropriate at such an event with an audience. And I'm pretty sure she'll be blushing and slap me when I pull away, grinning like an idiot. But it was so well worth it.

RACHEL

I see the tears in his eyes, something you would never normally see in public. Except today. Today he doesn’t seem to care. My heart swells when he whispers to me that he loves me, words meant for me alone, even though half the people here can hear him. When we finally make it official with the exchanging of our rings, I just can’t stop smiling. I don’t think I’ve ever smiled this much or this hard before. I’m Mrs. Paul Harwood. I’m his.

Before I can even take a moment to let it sink in, he steals my breath away with a mind-blowing kiss. Wrapping my arms around him, I kiss him back with a passion to match his own until I realise that we’re doing this in front of everyone, my dad even. When he finally pulls away, I blush and duck my head a little, smacking his arm laughingly, proving his point. But I’m happy. I’m crying, but I’m happy. I’ve never been happier in my life.

PAUL

I saw the happy tears in Rachel's eyes and I grinned at her as I lead her down the aisle, arm in arm. She was truly mine now. My Rach. We shared a bond, a name, and a future. I caressed her cheeks, trying to wipe away her tears before we took our photos and then celebrated with our friends at our reception. It all seemed to pass in a blur. The only thing I knew for sure was that I was with the woman I loved, forever.


End file.
